Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Bank Girl

Well today I was at the bank. I look across the room to see the girl i like working the drive thru. I was a little disappointed, but hey what do I expect, luck is never on my side. At least I thought I would get another chance to talk to her on Saturday.

So I stand in line for a few minutes, glancing her way every other second. When she turns around... *GASP* What do I do, she locked eyes with me. I should look away, this is getting out of control.

Most of the time if I look into a girls eyes, I almost immediately turn into Robby McPussy-Pants and turn away. Its a survival mechanism that was installed when I was first interested in girls. If not for the internetI would never have gotten married... I am just to freakin nervous.

I did the only other thing i could think of, in a moment of absolute terror, I smile. Thakfully I stopped the smile before it resembled something that looked evil, I was going for Hi.. not... I AM SATAN NOW LET ME EAT YOUR SOUL.

What.. did I see that right, did she just smile back. Now she is walking almost towards me. Eyes are still locked. And she says, "Hello" and I think I squeeked out something that was supposed to be Hello.

She walked on by still watching me. I layed another smile, and i think again it may have been returned. This was already good enough for a second conversation for me. Two possible smiles, but no it contuned.

"So how are you feeling today, you were feeling bad last week, right?" She goes into the supply closet and turns around to listen for my answer and yes, that was a third smile. I got a smile, and concern for my wellbeing.

I panic, what do I do, what do i say. So i say the only thing i can get out of my mouth...

"I love you"

Just kidding, I reply, "I am doing a lot better this week!" And then I make a mistake I give a big thumbs up. I can feel everyone who knows me telling me that, that has to be the most retarded thing they have ever seen. I wait for someone to smack me on the back of the head for being so stupid.

"Thats good." and she starts passing back in front of me, and i tell her thanks for her concern, she smiles again and says, "no problem"

When she walks by, it is confirmed... there is no ring on that hand. None, I repeat none. I am flirting with a girl for the most part is not married or engaged.

And the thing is, maybe she is actually interested. Maybe she is just being friendly. But she remebered me, she locked eyes with me, and spoke to me. I feel like I am back in high school. I have never done this while "not" being behind a computer screen. No good can come of this. I need Hitch or something man.

YOUR ANTI HERO... what am I supposed to do... ack.. this is too much pressure.


Sunday, February 26, 2006


Well I did not go on the trip yesterday. I went over and hung out with Matt during the day yesterday. We ended up walking down to Hacienda for lunch. Its only the second time I have ever eaten at Hacienda. I had a humburger, I am not much into Mexican food, I would perfer just have taco bell.

We spent most of the afternoon discussing the paranormal. Each telling legends and stories from the towns we grew up in. Matt is a very interesting person. Sometimes you never get to learn about individuals when you hang out in a group setting.

When the J-crew got back. (Jarrod, Josiah, Jesse, and Jeff) they talked about how much fun they had, and how I missed out, and they brought me a card. It was a Sympathy Card, "Deepest sympathy is with you during this diffcult time." when you opened it up, it read: and warmest thoughts are with you alway...

Josiah Jarrod Jesse.

Jeff was to nice... he said he was not going to be a part of it.

We then spent time going to the book and Music exchange, where I pointed out to everyone, all the books that were once mine but where stolen. I think at one point that thought they were going to have to send me to the car.

We then had to take Josiah back to Matt and jeff's because he was about to fall alseep standing up. He had been up for 24 hours straight. Then we drove across town to Border's book store. Not much going on there.

After we leave there, Jesse gets a phone call. From his Nephew Jacob. He is upset, Jesse is trying to figure out what is going on. All he knows is that jacob is about to hyperventilate.

Well it comes to find out that he tried to stop a "kidnapping". He and a buddy were at a local minature golf place, (the same place I took Charla on our first date actually)they were outside talking to another female.

The young girl sees a van in the parking lot. She tells them that the van looks like her father's van. She gets scared and says that he tried to kidnap her the other day from her mother.They were going to go in to find her cousin, when her father and another man come walking ot of the place, as they were walking in.

The father started telling the girl to go get in the van. She starts to cry, and tells him she does not want. He tells her again to get into the van. She starts walking toward the van.

Jacob is only 15 years old, and I have never admired someone that young ever, but I admire him today. He stepped into a situation that he really had nothing to do with. He honestly did not even know this girl. But he made a decision to step in.

He yelled to the guy, "Hey maybe we should go talk to the manager about this."

The guy turned around and told Jacob he needed to butt out, and to go get the manager because he would whoop his ass or shoot him or something. Jacob then told him, well how about I just call the police and see what they have to say about you taking her.

The guy got real angry, and started walking toward Jacob. Jacob whipped out the cell phone and dialed 911. Yes mam... I would like to report a kidnappng at BUISINESS NAME. The man started trying to walk away. The girl had stopped walking toward the van. He started digging through the back of the van. Jacob at that point thought that he might be looking for a gun.

Within a minute, a police officer pulls into the parking lot. Jaco tells her the situation. And everything. But here is what sucks. The parents are not yet divorced. So by law she could not do anything if the father requested to take the daughter "home".

They did try to call her mother, but could not get a hold of her. So in the end, the girl had to leave with her father. But today jacob is my hero. I just hope that someone did finally get a hold of the mother.

And to the conclusion of this blog piece. I got drunk last night for the first time, in a long time. I drank 3 Smirnoff Twisted VI, then I did 2 shots. In one shot I had Butterhots, pepperment schnaps, rootbeer schnapps, and Jager. I dont think anyone thought I could drink something that disgusting. The second shot only contained Jager and Rootbeer Schnaps. I managed not to throw up. I was buzzed good, and I do not have a hangover this morning.

Then my mom calls me this morning. I told her that I stayed at Matt and Jeff's last night because I had drank. I get a lechture from her that she is worried that i am going down the wrong path. I have not drank anything more than a couple of beers over a weekend for 3 years now. MOTHER I AM OKAY. That was the plan for last night. I was not the only one drinking.

So that was Saturday. The most exciting weekend in a long time.

Everyone have a good night.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Online Predator

Okay, I think I have figured out my internet dating problem. I have been trying to narrow it down, and I think I came to a conclusion. It can not be so much a looks thing, because if they talk to you more than twice after viewing pictures you have placed online, then they are not exactly turned off by your looks. Its not my sexual prowess, because lets face it, since my divorce its not even come to the forefront. But for some reason I scare women off.

I figured it out one night while watching television. I come off as an online predator. This commercial warning kids to be safe online comes on. This girl is like 14 and she is saying stuff like, he listens to the same music I do, he likes the same music. And then it flashes to some guy in his thirties. Saying, I tell them I like their music, I like those types of movies.

So because I am a guy who like chic flics, Champaign over beer, and I don’t mind if they have children. Somehow that makes me some kind of weird, psychological pedophile. Could this be it.

Or could Lukrativ be right. Women want to be mistreated, do they want to be slapped around and put into there place. Do they want the bad guy, with checkered past. Steals them blind. Cant hold down a job, drink all the time. Lukrativ tells me that women do not want to be treated right. I really disagree with that.

Some women do have a breaking point, they may give second chances, but they eventual figure it out.

Maybe I am flawed, maybe my way of trying to be a good guy is old fashioned. It has not worked for me since Sarah walked out. It did not even keep Sarah here for long. But I could probably guess that beating her would not have made her stay any longer. So I think Lukrativ is flawed in his point.

On to other things. Me and Lukrativ have another disagreement. The girl at the bank. I had told him a few days before that I had thought this girl at the bank was cute. I was not sure of her name at the time. Well On waited in her line this past Tuesday. So I did get her name. Lukrativ went to the bank Wednesday, and did the same. We both came up with the same name. But here is the discrepancy. Lukrativ says she is wearing a ring.

I seen no ring on Tuesday, but then again maybe she has a guy who proposed to her on Valentines day and she had to get the ring resized. Or Lukrativ seen the she was wearing a ring on the finger closest to the thumb and did not put two and two together. I seen no ring on the "I am taken" finger.

If there is a ring then she is off limits, I am not going to try to take someone's "only reason to get out of bed in the morning". I know what that feels like. I would never hurt someone else like that. But we shall have to see. Number one if I can try to strike up a casual conversation with her, that is my next objective.

How am I going to do this. By watching how the men flirt with "Tree Hugging Hippie" tonight. Subtle and sweet is the best way to go. Oh yeah and to get over this freaking cold. But I do have a three day weekend to get over it. Then I have to manipulate myself to be in her line on Tuesday. Yeah its a long shot.

I feel much better today. I got some medicine last night, and I am feeling a lot better today. So I am hoping to be in top form by tomorrow, so I can hang out with everyone when they get back from Patti's Restaurant.

Josiah called me this morning giving me hell for not going. But I had to explain to him why, and blah, blah, blah.

I am not sure when I will write again. May not be until Monday. I hope everyone has a safe fun weekend. Audrey, have a berry martini for me. Everyone else, Later


PS Also I have some news. If you type Dealing with Divorce i an MSN search engine, I am the last on the list of the first page, out of 27,650 page. Now if I could only arrive there on google, then my page would be really hopping.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Sick me

I sit here at the computer, sweating like a stuck pig. Not because I am afraid of anything, but because I am very hot. I must be sweating out a cold. I went for a walk outside, which was not exactly good for me. I started hacking and coughing before I even made it to the subdivision behind my apartments. At least it cooled me off a bit.

I still have a headache. I am hoping I feel better soon. I have to go hang out with the guys on Saturday. i had to cancell myself out of the trip. Not as many funds as I thought I was going to have, besides I feel sick, and its not really to far till Saturday.

I have to leave in a little bit to get my check from work, and put it in the bank, so i can put gas in my car. Other than that not much is going on today. I wish I could feel my body. it feels all numb and tingly. I want to stay as far away from people as possible. I am sure I am contagious, but I am sure one of those damn customers gave it me... Curses.

Good day all.

Dream Journal

Wow Second post today.

  • My Dream Journal

  • This is the linkt to my new dream journal. It was inspired by my friend Josiah.


    I woke up this morning and felt a little better. I feel weak, and head is pressure filled. But I only have to survive working tonight and tomorrow night and I am off this weekend.

    Then that all changes when I read some information on someone I know personally. This person has suffered lately.

    May God watch over her in this trying time.


    Wednesday, February 22, 2006

    Long Time No Talk

    Wow, has it really been a week since I posted. The news of my death are highly fictionalized. I am stil here, just been busy, and oh yeah... sick.

    I have spent most of the day yesterday hacking up lungs. I think I am up to 3. I have no clue where number 3 came from but hey, I counted them, there were three.

    So lets rewind all the way back to Saturday morning. I get home from work at 12:30 am. ANd decide that laundry needs to be done. So I spend the night trudging in endless darkness and cold, running back and forth from the laundry facility.

    I was supposed to meet my mom for lunch at the steak place in town, but she called and canceled, it snowed to much and her friend was afraid to drive over her. I needed money for the cell phone bill, her half of it. I tod her to just deposit it somewhere in town, so I would be able to pay.

    Instead Ben drives all the way to Evansville, and hands it to me. So me, her and Ben drove to go eat. Then we went to Walmart. Me and ben hit the $5.50 dvd dumpbin to see what movies they had.

    I was excited to find Adventures of Milo and Otis. And put it back twice, when Ben took it from me and bought it. So now I have another DVD to add o my collection. It made me miss my Tiki.

    On the way back to my apartment, Matt and Jeff call. They asked me if I wanted to go out to eat. I had just ate, so I declined. I did tell them however, that i would be over there by the time they got done eating.

    So we met at target, I had to pay a bill there anyway. We walked around for about 45 minutes looking at everything. Matt was determined that he was going to buy him a book shelf that day.

    There was the usual jokes, here and there. None really memorable. I did start my task of smiling at random girls. I did not let them know this, because I could just see Josiah standing behind me leering at the girls, just so they would give me a disgusted look right after I smiled. Thats how things work around here.

    We left target, Matt did not get a bok shelf. But the quest was not over. We headed back to there place, got a few things orginaized and we left again. For the mall. Because we wanted to find a cool t-shirt for Josiah. He was pretty depressed that at target, they had a shirt that said, LORD OF THE BEER, and it was not in his size.

    So we found lots of t shirts for Joisah, unffortnately, the mall forgets people who wear more than large actually exhist. After much heartbreak from not finding a shirt, Matt begins his quest for a book shelf at Wal MArt.

    So my journey had come full circle. And when we left, we still had no book shelf. Oh well there is always next weekend. But I did find one thing. Women do smile back if you take the time to smile at them.

    I was so tired when were done shopping, we went and ate at TGI fridays. Never ate there, and got to see the mating rituals of the Urban Gay Male. Or waiter was so Gay it was spewing forth with his rainbow colored light. Josiah even tried to give Matt a view my innocently knocking his reciept in the floor so the gentleman would have to bend over to pick it up. Matt was unfortantely looking at another gentleman who was cute.

    You get to hear phrases like "daddy's cute" and "Jeff check the package as he comes back by". I have learned that when Matt or Jeff say check it out, its best not to look.

    They did not leave him their phone number. Although there was talk. In he end, we just left.

    That was my weekend excitment. Other than that I am having a very boring week. Well except for yesterday, I got to finally be in the line of the girl that works at the bank who I thought was cute. She seems realy nice, I flirted a little. By flirt, I mean I sat there and made some stupid joke, and waited on her to count the deposit bag. She smiled at me a few times but that could have been because my nose is red and i remind her of Rudolph.

    Well I am going to finish this post up, let you guys know I am alive. Everyone have a nice day.

    Wednesday, February 15, 2006


    Okay so i watched Saw 2 the other day. And let me tell you something from the bottom of my broken heart. It Sucked. The more I think about this movie, the more it annoys me. Now dont get me wrong, I liked Saw. It was just the right amount of Psychological horror, and problem solving.

    If you do not watch Saw, and you are sill waiting for it to reach the 1.99 dump bin at your local Grocery Store, then do Not continue reading the entry. Spoilers, Spoilers, Spoilers.

    The guy finds people that do not want to live anymore. They have just given up on life, and they are suicidal, or they they just want to die. You know just like me. People that think they have nothing to live for.

    Then he puts them in horrible choices, like sawing their feet off to survive. Or many other terrible ways to die. So that there mind tries to convince themselves that they want to live.

    You know, just because I am miserable and somedays just wish it were all over, does not mean that I want to die in some horrible attatchment to my head that works like a reverse bear trap. So that when it snaps, it makes top jaw and bottom jaw ripped into different directions. I would prefer to go in my sleep.

    But then we find out, he does it because he is dying of cancer. Okay. So you are want to live, but can't. So instead you want everyone else to realize they want to live. Great, thats the equivilant to me going out and sleep with every women that wants a divorce so they can see there lives can get much worse.

    Get a hobby. I mean seriously, your old. Die in peace you lived a full life. You have cancer. If you want to offer peole salvation, you know donate your time on a sucide prevention hotline. Tell em your story of how you want to live, and everyday you live life to the fullest by creating creepy contraptions to kill people. Maybe when they see how fucked in the head you are, there lives may not seem so bad.

    So my life sucks and some days I just dont want to be here anymore. That does not mean I am going to off myself. Where is the fun in that. Yes I am miserable, yes i try to be a decent person. And so what if it gets me nowhere, its still who I am. Someday God will ease my suffering in the heart. I am not going to sit here and blame him for it.

    I bet Sarah gets a kick out of how I feel. She probably thinks I deserve it. Maybe I do deserve it, but all i want to know why m heart still aches, worse now then ever, over someone who probably does not deserve my time to worry over. Why does the heart insist to love whats wrong and embrace what i need to do to move?

    Good day

    Tuesday, February 14, 2006

    Oh Darth

    Image hosting by Photobucket

    Look Dath, I am not that lonely yet.

    What did you call me...

    Big Words coming from a Man who does not have a J-O-B. Well there is always those M & M gigs Padre.

    Happy V.D>

    I said VD not DV damn darth get a grip

    Monday, February 13, 2006

    Valentines Day Starts...NOW

    Well its almost here. The day where we trade chocolate for sex. And yes I am not trading chocolate to anyone if you have not noticed. My how the mighty have fallen. Okay I was never mighty, but whatever.

    I lay around all day today. I basically spent more time in a recliner than actually moving. How depressed to do you have to be to actually move a recliner to sit it in front of your computer so you have a comfortable place to sit and use the computer. I know a laptop would be much easier.

    I did not clean the apartment today. I did however remove the rug underneath my computer desk, because it was interfering with the recliner. I actually hated the rug. It would never lay flat, it was always getting bunched up, so i tossed it... I wont miss it.

    I did leave the house, I went across the street to the "competition" to see if they had any good games in. But their is nothing out. I really need a 360. My life during the day is very boring without my English friends.

    I went into the grocery store next door, to kill some time. Guys were falling all over there selves looking for last minute Valentines day cards, silly ballons and flowers. The sad thing is I looked at these guys and realized how much I wanted to be one of them. How silly is it that a "made up" holiday can make you feel so alone. I guess its more the memories I shared on these days then what it means to me today.

    I remember one Valentines day i converted our Kitchen into a High School Prom. Because Sarah did not go to her high school prom. And I went by myself. I had her put on a formal dress she had in the closet for the wedding of her cousin Beth. I was dressed up in my Suit. The closest thing i had to a tuxedo.

    I hung streamers, and banners, and put little heart window clings on the sliding kitchen doors. I lit the fireplace and Moved the kitchen table in there. I had even went to her favorite Chinese Resteraunt and got her General Tsao Chicken and Crab Rangoon. I had bought a music cd that played throughout the night. I was pretty proud of myself, i was one of the most romantic things I could every think up.

    I asked her to dance. And we did, and then I tried to go for a dip, and dropped her. She twisted her ankle and that pretty much ended the "Dance". She laughed about the incident. I helped her up and we continued on to the bedroom after that.I may have even carried her at that point.

    I miss things like that. i never got to live down the dipping incident... ever. Even after the divorce she joked about me dropping her.

    I put so much thought into that night. Why, because she told me a month or two back, before that night, she had regretted not going to her prom. I knew I wanted to try to give her a little piece of that. I even think I bought her a corsage.

    But there are no valentine dipping in my future. At least not tonight. So tonight I will go to sleep, and do what i do every other miserable day.

    Think of her and all the nice things I miss, and then think of everything she did to me, and then still ache because I miss her.

    Good Night all

    Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. - C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed, pt. 1 (1961).

    The perfect Man

    I happened to be looking at blogs on Myspace, and i found this and I thought I would share it.

    To every guy that walks on the outside of a sidewalk.

    To every guy that cooks dinner for her.

    To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."

    To every guy who honestly meant it.

    To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.

    To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

    To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

    To every guy that said he would die for her.

    To every guy that really would.

    To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

    To every guy that treated her like a princess.

    To every guy that cried in front of her.

    To every guy that she cried in front of.

    To every guy that holds hands with her.

    To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

    To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

    To every guy who would give their jacket up.

    To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

    To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be able to see her for ten minutes.

    To every guy that has stayed up beyond the point of sleep depervation to talk with her.

    To every guy that would give his seat up.

    To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

    To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

    To every guy who told his secrets to her.

    To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

    To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

    To every guy that believed in her dreams.

    To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

    To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

    To every guy that walked her to her car.

    To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

    To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.

    To every guy that actually listened.

    To every guy that gave his heart only to have it ripped apart.

    And to every guy who would do it again without hesitation....

    This one is for you.

    I hope you like it.

    Sunday, February 12, 2006


    today for me has not been a good day emotionally. I am depressed. I am hoping this goes away after Valentine's day. But I just have this feeling it wont. I dont know what is wrong. I have started crying three times today. Out of nowhere.

    I spent about an hour praying for God to end my suffering, that i was tired of feeling lonly, hurt, and depressed. I want to feel better, but I just dont. Soe of you know what this feels like, and some of you out there have no idea how to love anything but yourself. I dont want to miss her anymore. At least my head does not. My head is even tired of listening to my heart cry.

    Yet, for people like me. The heart will always beat out the head. Nothing seems to dull my heartache. I am just tired of the suffering. I understand somtimes we suffer for no reason. But I pray for the suffering to leave me.

    I am excited though, in 2 weeks we are loading up the Van, and heading off to A place called Patti's in Grand Rivers, KY. Okay it may not be that exciting, but its a road trip. Gets me away from here, and on to something fun.

    The weather here is all wonky, you never know what you are going to get from day to day. Everyone is always getting sick. I was sick yesterday and just worn down to the nub. So I have still not went out to the bars.

    I also have not bought me any alcohol for V.D. Who knows. I have to go to the grcery tomorrow. I need to get out of this house and do something. I hate just "being here".

    Good Night All


    Saturday, February 11, 2006

    I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-wife's Heart (Suprisingly this post is not about Sarah)

    So the the other day I was looking through my stat counter. I see all kinds of returning visitors, that never leave messages. There is someone in Lansing, Michigan who is facinated by this site. Which is funny because my Dad was from somewhere around Lansing. Also I have a person from Canada who visits this blog often.

    But I also enjoy the paths that people take to get to my blog. Stat counter lets me see what people were searching for. "I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-wife's Heart" was one such search.

    I am not sure that I have ever used the phrase, but if you type it in a MSN search engine... it can possibly bring you here. I have also had people come to this blog looking for "Pics of Racheal McAdams Naked." I only wish I had those photos myself, and i would probably just keep them to myself, for ummm.... nevermind.

    People come to my page for divorce stuff all the time. How to keep custody of kids, what paperwork they should file. But alass I have nothing to offer. I do get the occasional person who wanders in, to "figure out if his spouse is cheating"

    I also have had people from 20th Century Fox visit my blog. I was hoping I was going to get a contract for a show based on my miserable life. I mean come on, i have a shot... "The War at home" still has a time slot.

    So i ask you... constant readers. How did you find my blog, for some of you I already know the answers, But I want to hear it again. And what made you continue to read.

    Anyway, that is all. I hope you guys have a great day.


    Friday, February 10, 2006

    Valentines Day is Fast Approaching

    Well Valentines day is fast approaching and I already have my course of action planned out. I am buying me some alchol and getting drunk off my ass long enough to forget it ever happened. Well I will have to work during the day, on this miserable day, but after that its all me time.

    Something tells me though, that I will probably not do that. I will probly sit her in this apartment with all the lights off, and soak in the misery. I have survived a birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, An Anniversary, and now this is it. The last holiday without her. After this the cycle starts over.

    She left on March 22 of last year. Its been almost a year. You know, I have never thought it possible to feel numb for an entire year. I have come a long way, and I would like to say i did it on my own. But it has not been all me.

    So how did Valentines day go last year. Well honestly it really did not go at all. I had to work Valentines day night. The weekend before we went to Owensboro. I bought her a cd, and a bottle of massage oil, and this really awesome massager ball. We celebrated Valentines day that weekend. Then the day before Valentines day we went out to eat.

    The weekend after valentines day, we went up for Madison's birthday party. I had such a good time. I was excited, because we thought we might be pregnant. I never felt so good in all my life.

    Looking back, I am sure she was relieved that she was not. She had been telling everyone I was cheating on her, and that we were not sleeping together. So if she would have came up pregnant, I often wonder what would have happened. But it was never meant to be.

    Post like this, are reasons I never keep alchol in my apartment.

    You Guys have a great Day.

    Wednesday, February 08, 2006

    I Still Dream of Her

    I talked to Charla last night on the phone. Seems she had some weird things going on yesterday. not exactly sure what, but it just seemed weird. I usually talk to he once a week, on the phone, and we get along great. We do make good friends.

    I got am email back from the girl Amanda, I had been talking to. We seem to be emailing each other on a daily basis. She is very interesting and hoping to get to learn more about her.

    Then i also talked to Charlee, it was a girl who lives in Owensboro, that I had went on a date with back last summer, before my divorce was final. Seems she thought she was going to be getting engaged soon, and found out her guy was trash. He took there rent money and blew it. Now she is evicted and livng with her mom.

    Of all this, when I lay my head down last night, after having conversations with these womenyesterday. I have a dream of Sarah. Another one of those real dreams. Like I am actually talking to her.

    It seems in dreamland she was upset. Because her boyfriend broke up with her. And his reasons were because of me. In the dream she never elaberated on why it was my fault, but it was. She started crying, and as always I was the comfort. I could not do anything I stood beside her on a bridge, while she cried.

    She told me that he did not even know that she was pregnant. I thought that was a little odd about her being pregnant. Oh how our dreams play tricks on our minds. When I woke up, I got online. i chatted with Ben who was also up at 4:30 in the morning.

    I finally did lay back down, but It was on the couch, I was so uncomfortable on the bed after the dream. Maybe I lay on the couch because I felt like I was being punished. Or maybe I felt like i should be punished for splitting up Sarah and the other guy. Again it was only a dream.

    Anyway. i right my thought about how I am feeling in this blog. Because by putting them here, I am not speaking them in the real world. Thats the key to dealing. This is m thearpy, i dont need to see anyone. Because all they want to do is dope you up, and that shit dont help you. In esence the stuff makes you cover up your problems, and then you are not dealing with them.

    The only cure for heart ache and heart break is to deal with it head on. So the longer I have these dreams, the more i resist to them. I did good, I did not call her to get the key to my apartment. Sure that would have been the easiest course of action, or then again maybe it would have been the hardest. The thing is, the problem was solved and I took care of it myself. The same way i am going to take care of this Heartache.

    Have A Good Day

    The Key

    So I wish I had a more exciting story of how to tell you that I got myself locked out. But I do not. How did I lock myself out, well it has to do with Tuesday Morning Paronoia.

    You see all new movies in the US are distrubted at least a week before. So we get to take movies home early, and watch them free of charge. The only thing we have to do is make sure we have them back to the store before we open on Tuesday.

    Well I am off on Monday. Almost every Monday I am off. So that means it is very important for me to make sure I grab the movies before I leave the apartment. So on Tuesday morning I put them inside my coat's hood, and lay it on the back of the chair.

    I also realized before I took my shower, that my watch was laying on my computer desk, so I stuck it in my coat pocket, because I feel weird if I do not have my watch on. I feel naked without it.

    I took my shower, read my morning emails, and then got dressed and out the door. I stopped checked my coat pocket, for my keys (I carry 2 sets of keys, very long story) and felt both sets... or so I thought. I closed the door, and it locked behind me.

    Then pulled out my car keys. And then realized that my watch was the other set of "keys". I then realized that my apartment keys are not there. I look in every pocket. No dice.

    At least I had everything else to get me into work, and too work. But I worried about it for most of the morning. My landlord had to meet me at my apartment at 6;30. I felt so bad, because she had to drive back over from her home to meet me.

    Oh well at least I got back into my apartment.

    Tuesday, February 07, 2006


    I have never been so happy as to get inside my aprartment as i was today. Awwww I feel lots better

    this is an audio post - click to play

    My fears

    I was once afraid of the dark. Not so frightened that i would use a night light or anything. But there was just the odd shapes that one would see out in the darkness. Hovering where the light would never illuminate.

    I remeber what cured me of the dark. It was Sarah. Because I knew if I wre going to protect her from the things that i thought I seen in the darkness, then I would have to put away childish fears. For there is nothing in darkness that is not in the light.

    Sure sometimes, when she was out of town, or out with her family and I was alon at night, the fear was there. But now days it is gone. No I enjoy the darkness, well mostly. I rarely leave the lights on in my apartment when i am home. I have the soft glow of the computer monitor, or the tv. The only time I ever turn on the lights, is if its dark and I am trying to fix something to eat, or if I am reading a book or something.

    I was laying in the darkness a few minutes ago and realized why I like it. I realize my sleeping habits have changed. I sleep on my right side toward the center of the bed, with a pillow pinned beneath my head. I also have another pillow that i wrap my arms around.

    And I relaize that if I close my eyes and concentrate real hard, I can make believe in the darkness it is not a pillow, and that its her and sometimes that gives me enough comfort that I can go to sleep.

    The other fear that I have is that I may never have children. I am afraid of this one as I get older. Some events I am not going into lead me to believe that I was the reason Sarah and i never had a child. Never having a child caused a lot of conflict between me and God.

    Its the one thing that scares me, and some people just dont get it. You hear all the people saying kids are alot of work. You never understand how much work they are. But its one of the only things I have ever wanted from my life. Even if the child is not mine by blood.

    I have started chatting with a girl named Amanda, sort off. I am not holding out too much hope that it will lead to anything yet. Its not progressed more than a few emails.

    You see, her father died last week. She had only sent me one email before it happened, saying that she would enjoy talking to me. Then she wrote in her blog about her father dying. I sent my condolences. And pretty much thought it would be the last time i would hear from her. Striking it up to bad timing.

    Well it was not. She emailed me again today. She had been out of town, and said she was going to be real busy. She tld me that her mom had died about 5 years ago, and her dad had been real sick so she knew that it could happen at anytime.

    She is only 24 years old, and already has lost both her parents. And she has a 2 year old son.

    Dont get me wrong, I am not saying anything about if this is going to bud into a relationship or anything. But I am actually taking THH advice this one. I am not mentioning Sarah to her. Not for awhile. I did mention I was divorced and thats it.

    Who knows this may be the last time i talk to her even. Like I said i am not getting my hopes up yet. But who knows what could happen. All things happen for a reason, right. But again its a little more hope, something I could use anyway.

    I hope you guys have a Good Night

    Sunday, February 05, 2006

    Weekend Quotes

    Here are quoates spoken aloud during my weekend.

    "thedivorceididnotwant.blogspot.com, why was Imawhinnybitch.com taken"-Mark
    'Wow I can see where they spliced the film together" - Josiah (After seeing Jesse and his sister standing right next to each other.)
    "Joisah, you left before all of us, how the hell did we beat you here, you must drive like my grandma?" -me
    "You know Rob, when I crossed the bridge and held my breath. Then I made my wish, and I wished that you found someone to make you happy, within the next month. But you know what, when I go back across that bridge, I am going to ask that the wish be taken back." -Josiah
    "And if you ever want to know anything about Rob, we can give you his website." Jesse to the new guy in the group, Phil.
    Yes Rob mentioned that jarrod is the cool man of the dork world... Thats like being the smartest guy with Downe Syndrome.- Josiah
    "Rob, We all went out without you Friday night, and we met the perfect girl for you at Bed bath and Beyond."-Josiah
    "Yeah, and she had all the qualities you liked, she enjoyed alot of the same activities, and she was a chubby chaser."-Jarrod
    "You guys are just fucking with me arent you?" -Me
    *Uncontrolable Laughter*
    "I have to remember a flea market is not good place to meet women."-ME
    "Rob, you need to take anything you can get."-Jarrod
    "So are we watching the Super Bowl."-Josiah
    *Blank stares from everyone else in the room*
    "What I was just asking"-Josiah
    "Jacob is going to fit right in with us"-Jesse, after his nephew made fun of me while we were eating breakfast at Shoneys.
    "Phil is going to fit right in with us"-Matt after the new guy Phil made fun of me.
    "I am so sorry guy, Jesse says I have to dance topless for coke"-Me
    "Wow, isn't that how REQUIM OF A DREAM started out."-Josiah

    "My eyes, I can still see it through my shirt"-Josiah, while I was dancing topless for coke.
    "The leather Shorts actually have a zipper in the back"-Jeff
    "Did you get the ass less chaps to go with it?"-Me
    "Actually Rob, all Chaps are assless."-Matt
    "And lets not forget that jeff is Mormon."-Josiah
    "(SIGH) I am METH-O-DIST, not Mormon, we are baptist that can read"-Jeff
    "We need a list of all the inside jokes, for all the new people that we invite over here. -Josiah
    "My brother and I, when we were younger, would stick the garden hose in our mouth, and turn it on and try to swallow all the water as fast as we could."-Jesse
    "And for Jesse that is all how it started"-Josiah
    "Yeah, well I am leading a celibate lifestyle"-Me
    "Really, so decide on becoming celibate, would you like to know all my tricks and how to cope with it Rob?"
    "No I did not say I decided I would be celibate, all the women in the world, had a meeting and decided it for me."-Rob

    There is so memerable quotes. I hope you laugh at some of them i know I did.

    Have a good Day

    Friday, February 03, 2006

    The letter

    You may want to read the post before this one to understand why this letter is here.


    You are the only thing in the world that gives me hope. When I awaken you are the very first thoughts on my mind, that cause my almost invisible smile. It pains me to see you hurting, and its not good for you either.

    I know I don’t deserve another chance, every time I get one, I end up messing things up again. Not immediately but down the road. You tell me its hard to trust me and you don’t think you can every trust me again.
    I want to get passed this, I Love You, every time I say it, I truly deeply mean it. I am afraid of loosing you, and I am scared. But you think its for all the wrong reasons. The reasons I am afraid to love you are because before you, my life was empty. I had no smiles or colors. No one I could talk to that understood what was in my heart. You are important to me because you put things like hope, and love there into my world.

    I made a bad decision. One that I had no clue the outcome would be so destructive to our relationship. It was one that I thought in the worst case scenarios, I would not hear you come home and you would yell down to the basement that you were home. I see now why you were upset, and hurt.

    Sarah I want you to be my priority. I do want to change, and bad decisions will not happen in the same manner. Every time I do something wrong, I learn a lesson, on what you expect from me. I know you think this is the same fight from a year and half ago, but its not. To me it seems very, very different. Last time it was because I never did nice things for you, leave you love notes, never thought about you, never gave you things that would make you happy. That I never took into consideration what you wanted to do, and I was making another thing a priority every week.

    This time you say that I didn’t make you a priority, and in all honesty it was not the best way to show you I was making you a priority. Even though I could not wait for you to arrive home, I should have been waiting and not playing.

    Please I am begging you for another chance, I am begging for forgiveness. We need to be in love again. We need to make you see that I am not a bad husband. I am not great, I bet you cant even name a great husband. But I care for you more than any other spouse or Significant Other cares for them.

    We have based this relationship on things, strong things. Its built on a mountain of love. Honor, Sacrifices, Family.

    Honor: I honor you everyday when I get in that truck, where the picture of you still hangs on my visor. The same pace it has been since you gave me that truck. I look at you at every stop light, before I get of the truck, and when I get back in it. That’s a lot of time I spend in my truck.

    Sacrifices: You have given me more than any woman should have. We sacrifice everyday because of my mother. You pay a mighty fortune for us to live in this house and have things to occupy us with.

    Family: I don’t have any family, your family is my family. The way they talk to me makes me feel welcomed to be there, even though I don’t really deserve to be there. The way your mom actually talks to me, or your dad willing to try to help me get a job. The way your brother doesn’t call me names. And where would any of us be without Madison. She doesn’t run from me, she always hugs me when she sees me. Marge, I barely knew her and Norman, before he passed away, but I was asked to carry his casket to the grave. It was the only time I felt like I wanted to do it, for some one I had respect for. My own family, there is no respect.

    Sarah I know you could live without me. I know you love me and yet have so much resentment and anger toward me. You deserve to be happy, and maybe I can still give you that, if I can get out of this rut I have been in since having to work for BBV. I want to be home with you every night. I never wanted to be someplace else when you were home. I will change that., I will find something soon. I thin you were right about the comfortable thing. As long as I could keep the balance up and you seemed happy, and things were ok.
    I just want you to hear me out, and try to let you see reason to forgive me, and try to trust me again. I miss you. And I feel like my insides are ripped apart, and my soul is swishing around in total emptiness. There are things I still want to do with you in this life, one of which is to collaborate on a novel, I think we could do well in that aspect, because you are a great writer also.

    Sarah when I am not with you, the world seems dark and lonely. When you are away from me on trips, I fear the dark. Sounds that I hear frighten me. But when your beside me I do not fear them, because I am then protecting you . I have no time for fear. Because nothing would be able to hurt you because it would have to go through me first.

    Always have I loved you. I would love it when we would get on subjects and talk the entire night. I t could be over stupid things we ate in high school, or the antics of Ben, but it always was us having a good time.

    Robert, was always all you had to say when you we were sleeping and you got scared of something. As soon as I rolled over to face you, you would bury your face in my chest and try to snuggle as close as you could to me. I could smell your hair and my arms would encircle you as you fell asleep in my arms.

    Any time we did anything you wanted to do I feel good. Even if I grumble, I still enjoy it. I love the way you place your hand on my leg as we a driving. I know why you do that, you told me one time. I had to do with how your Mom would do that to your dad, its very romantic.

    How I wonder what goes through your mind when you see me dressed up, or what you think about when I slide on a pair of pants you like. Something that you see in me that I don’t even see in myself.
    I know your favorite food is fettuccine Alf redo. Yet you never go anywhere to eat it. I think in the seven years I have been with you that I have seen you eat it only about 5 times. If you love something then why never eat it.
    Laughing has always been something in are relationship. I could always make you laugh when you were feeling blue or upset. Its one of the only things that can keep you going when nothing else seems to do it. So how did the turtle with no arms and legs cross the freeway?
    Only you, that’s the only person I have ever looked into there eyes and seen ever growing old with. I can see everything through your eyes.
    Violets are blue, and Roses are red but none of them can ever touch the beauty of your smile. The way you smile lights up a room. Its not a smile that I never want to see again.
    Everyone knows how to love someone. Its never hard, and I know how to love you. I know lots of things about you. I can remember most major stories about your life. Too many and some more embarrassing than you every want published here. But ask me about them and I can tell you the story, because it’s the only storage space in my brain that is not filled with useless information.

    You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. You feel sorry for people, just like I do. I remember stopping and feeding those people stranded on the road, who ran out of gas money. We did not have a lot of money at that time but we stopped and got them wendys. And even scraped enough change together to get them some gas money. We never knew if they made it or not, but when we came back through the station wagon was gone. We did not have to do that but it made another uneventful day memorable.

    Oh pretty lady how you can sing. You take everything on the radio and make it your own. How many people get to see you sing your heart out. I know you don’t sing to everyone, and that’s another thing that you do that’s special to me, that makes you special to me.

    Understanding you is something I strive to do. I think I get most of who you are, your insecurities and what makes you tick. I Love everything about you. Your different expressions, like the teasing one where you lay on the bed and stick your tongue out and then pull the blanket over you. Its your playful side. Or the look on your face when you are scolding a dog, how your lips hang down and how your eyebrows arch down and you say bad tiki. I want to be able to see your happy expressions again.


    Well I sent an email off to Josiah last night, i am postponing hetero night for a week. Or maybe at least tomorrow night, but I am think about just waiting til next Saturday.

    Not out of fear or anything, i just am drained. Emotionally, Financially, Physically. My apartment is a pig sty. I go from happy to sad in 2.3 seconds, for no apparant reason. And I think I am getting sick... again. And I have laundry to do early tomorrow at my mother's apartment.

    Next week i will be able to actually buy my own drinks and have a good time, this week I would be more of a bum anyway. I hate feeling like a bum. I never felt like I was a bum before. But every week I do, people buy me lunch or bring stuff for us all to eat. Hell even Jarrod does not have a job and he is all the time baking and cooking stuff he brings over.

    I got excited the other night because I found a 5lb bag of fries for $2.09. Succsess!

    I hate the wearther we are having here, its miserable. It will be warm one day, then it will rain and be freezing the next. Other than that, life sucks. :) But I live it everyday with a smile on my face, or at least a sarcastic expression of distaste.

    I stayed up late last night to watch Just Like Heaven. I found it very good, and actually heart warming. Then this morning I watched the movie Elizabeth Town, and it was depressing up until the last part of the movie. I wont give anything away.

    Elizabethtown reminds me of the reason that I do not associate with my hick family memebers. Well that and besides they ripped my mom off and none of them deserve the pleasure of my company anyway. Bastards.

    I was opening up some of my word files last night to see if they were okay. I heard there was a worm virus that destroys all your files like movies and text documents. Everything was good. But in the process I ran across a letter I had written to Sarah 9 days before she moved out, begging for forgivness.

    I thought about posting it later today. I twill be a very long post, it was a three page letter. I had no idea when I gave her the letter she was thinking of leaving me for the Weasal.

    I even gave her flowers with it. And those flowers sat and turned brown in the upstairs bath room for almost a month, because even after she left... I could not throw them away. I think I will post the letter.

    So I am going to sign off, everyone have a good day.


    Thursday, February 02, 2006

    You Stupid Man

    I brought home a movie last night and stayed up to watch it. We recieved it in our new moves from distribution. It was called, "You Stupid Man". I had never heard of it, but it had two popular women actresses, and the concept of the movie, at least for the first half, was all me.

    Denise Richards plays a women who goes off to Hollywood, to became an actress on a sitcom, leaving her boyfriend behind in New York. She tells him she loves him and is going to miss him.

    He then visits her in Hollywood, and finds her sleeping with her co-star. So he comes back home to New York. Where his best friend's fiance is an astrologer. She tells him that according to the stars they know the perfect person for him. Her maid of honor.

    This guy loved his girl friend. And on the first date he does nothing but talk about his ex. And goes on and on about the relationship. She can not stand him, but after a few chance encounters, they become friends. They fall in love, and the night after they sleep together, his ex comes crawling back. Now I would be a little different in this situation. Right now I would take Sarah back, more thna likely. However, once you fall in love with someone... how can you be that stupid to go back to the one who ripped your heart out.

    I really that is was a great movie and had some very memorable lines. Especially about his friends who get married and after 6 months the marriage starts falling apart because the husband is having an internet fling.

    He says that Love and marriage is like this perfect glass scuplture. You look at it and its beautiful. But once you get married you realize that you are responisible for it. You dont want anything to happen to it so you put it up on the mantel, an out of the way place. But then you get stressed that you think something is going to happen to it. So you start to look at it very closely. And you see that from a distance this glass statue is perfect, but up close you realize if you look hard enough you are going to find flaws. So the harder you look for the flaws the easier they are to find. So then it becomes less valuable.

    How true is that. If that is not a metaphor for my marriage I do not know what is. Maybe i let Sarah try to hard to protect me. Instead of doing some of the things that could have helped us financially, or not have gotten so lazy in other areas. Maybe she would not have looked so hard at my flaws. But I cant change the past. Its over and done, and there is no coming back. I may go through the rest of my life loving her more than I should. And again I guess I am okay with that.

    I just hope to be able to love someone again, enough that they never realize that they may be second place in my heart.

    By the way, I know I told everyone no comments on the Baxter post, but you guys keep slipping them in there. So here is your chance, why did you guys like the baxter post so much. I thought people would call me a wuss and whinning over Sarah again, but I think you guys took what i was saying in a different way. Now I wish I would have allowed comments on the post.

    Anyway, i got to run. Have a good night.

    Wednesday, February 01, 2006

    What the hell is Wrong With Girls of Evansville

    Okay, I need to rant about something. Something I have noticed over the last couple weeks of looking at personals online. And here is a few things I noticed.

    I know I am not a good looking guy. Well maybe not that bad looking, but my weight is an issue, this i understand. Yet I look at some of these women on the personal ads, and I think to myself, what are you thinking.

    There are women who are average. These are the women I should be able to date. They all ask for a man that trets them good, and they want the kind of guy that wants to snuggle. These women are not exactly the drop dead gorgeous model type. Yet when you read the profiles, they have almost the same qualification in the realm of dating. They want fit, athletic, or average. And then when you get down to income, they want men who make $30,000 or more a year.

    I am sorry my income does not fit into your income scale. I am also sorry that I weigh as much as a hippo. I am sorry my friends call me Fatty McButter pants. Just remember we all have a little junk in the trunk.

    The sad thing is, these are the same women that turn me down, and you know what, almost 8 moths since I started looking at the personals ads, these are the same women that are still here. And you know what, the profile says the same thing. I guess they are not ready for a baxter yet.

    Then we get to women of the personals #2. The white girl who only dates black guys. First let me stop you right now before anyone gets offended. I am not saying I have anything against black people. I have a problem with the Rap listening, pants around your knees, thugs.

    Women #2 is tired of being treated without any respect. She is tired of playahs and wants to find a real man. They want someone who is going to treat them properly. But they use words in there profile like, they are no ones ho... tired of Playaz... and any other phrase you can think of in Ebonics.

    Then you gt down to the "what they are looking for in a date" They have nothing except one column filled in. They want African Americans. They dont want anything but a black thug that they already have tried a thousands times and it has not worked.

    Maybe if you would actually try something else you might find what you are looking for, instead you want the thug, the dangerous potty mouthed thug. You dont even want the college educated black man, you want the thug. And so you obviously do not want me then because I am white.

    You do find a few women that will at least respond to your ads. Or at least I have been told. I have had 4 different women respond and meet me since May of last year. The best had been Charla.

    Yet Charla was right, we make better friends than we did a relationship. We are both at 2 different parts in our life, and that is why it did not work out. She will remain to be a good friend. She taught me so much, and brought me to where I need to be, to at least look inside myself for something else.

    So I know you guys are telling me that I should stop the online think and go out into the public and shed this scardy cat image I built around myself. So I think that may happen on Friday night, after I get off work.

    Josiah, Jarrod and i are talking about going to O'Brians pub, about a few blocks from where I live. I do worry that I may run into the weasal there. Since I know him and Sarah use to go hang out there from time to time. I will have my posse' with me so i am not afriad of getting into a fight.

    So we are going to have our hetero night after all. I will have to check and see if it going down. It might actually be good for me. I have never really gone "out" with any guys to the bars. I am actually a little nervous that Jarrod will embarras me. But embarrasment can build confidence ... maybe.

    Anyway i got to run. I hope everyone has a great day.


    I get such Wonderful Advice

    Thank You Josiah!!!