Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Plan B From Outer Space

The package was not delivered today. But I am entering plan b. I would have delivered it today, but again she was in the teller window. Lukrativ told me that if this all goes well with my plan, then he will pay for my first date. That crazy Lukrativ.

I was laying in bed a little bit ago. Trying to go to sleep. My mind began to drift over my Novel I am writing. Well at least the one I had started writing so long ago. And thinking about it took me all the way back to sixth grade.

I think this is where my life as an outcaste actually started. You see, I had went to the same school since first grade. For five years my social development relied on to key factors. My friends at School, and my friend Jodie.

Why am I such a sucker when it comes to girls. Its Jodie, my best friend growing up was female. All the way up to 5th grade we always hung out together. Then our house was sold. Where I had lived the majority of my life. We did not own the house, we only rented it. But I remember that last year there. I remember the going away party that Jodie and Chad threw for me. Peanut butter milkhsakes never tasted so good. But that part of my life was over. Jodie moved away a year later, I never saw here again. I always wondered where she went. But this story is not really about her...

When we moved into a trailer, I also lost my school district. You see, where I had went to school was Jefferson Elementary. Where I was going was East heights. So here I was getting transeferred away from the school, I had always known.

TO a school where I was totally outcasted. I was new kid in School. And with that came the bullying. I was not liked at this school at all. Early on a few students surrounded me, and were planning on beating me up. They had planned to push me backward over another student. He got on his hands and knees behind me.

What they failed to realize was that I was smarter than that. I turned around and dropped all my weight on the back of his head with a elbow drop. Then kicked got up and kicked him in the gut. Then took off running. They never really messed with me after that.

I also alienated myself that year. Because I did not join the cool kids when they picked on the smaller and weaker. I was not invited to play in the reindeer games after that.

I met a really good friend that year. Someone I have not thought of in 10 years. Eric. Eric was a little guy, he lived in a trailer park up the road from where I lived. He was a good kid, his dad had married a women, who also had a daughter, who was the meanest thing you had ever seen. I dont even think she was female, I think she was a short german man, disguising herself as a student.

But the story is not about her eithier...

Eric became a really good friend. And we stayed good friends, but outcasted none the less. But I went from being very popular in my orginal school, to being shunned here.

Eric and I did not talk over the summer. He was going to stay with his mom for those three months. His mom had remarried, and had a little baby girl.

Over summer, his stepdad got a gun. Shot his mother and killed her, Shot Eric in the head, Shot the baby girl, and then pulled the trigger on himself. The amazing thing about all that is, that Eric lived. He came back to school, he lost the use of one of his eyes. The only damage the bulet did to his head, was to blind his left eye. We never talked about it. He would make jokes, (like one time he ran into a table in science class, and the teacher asked him if he was blind... he said, "only Half". Before the end of Seventh grade, he mysteriously vanished, his dad packed him up and left without saying a word.

So I was pretty lonely, except for Ben and Josh, I pretty much stayed an outcaste. Then the school board changed districts. I was sent to the other junior high. Where all the people I had grown up with went.

The thing was, after 2 years, very few people even cared to remember who i was. The guy who had been my best friend since 3rd grade, acted like he did not know who I was. So at school I was pretty much an outcaste again. And that is how i stayed through high school, I was a social leper. When we had school functions, I sat with some friends I had made, and no one wanted to get close to us. Kids can be so cruel.

So i think that is where my Social anxieties come from. I never dated in high school. But I turned out okay for the most part. I got a few good friends from those days. I just wish I had a better social out look so things lie talking to a cute girl did not freak me the fuck out.



Monday, June 26, 2006

The Day Before

Well I have to admit my nerves are acting up a little bit today. Knowing what I plan to do tomorrow. But I have to go through with it regardless. So I expected to be nervous.

I had been talking to another girl that I had met on myspace. We had even exchanged phone numbers. I had not called her yet, but I learned this weekend she met another guy online. And since this weekend she has not responded to any of my messages. I cant truly blame her, but I feel like I am jumping from a plane tomorrow without a backup chute.

But we will see how this works tomorrow. Nothing can be answered today. The worst part of all this is that I have it embedded in my psyche so deep that she is going to say no, that I have no clue what to say if she says yes.

Well Wish me luck everyone.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I would have Done it Today

I have to know. I really can not take it anymore. I have agonized over it long enough. I want her, or I want to know she is not interested in me. I have come to the conclusion that I have to know.

So I went out yesterday and bought a card. I card that was blank on the inside. When i got to the place to buy the card, the Hallmark lady asked me if I needed help finding something. I told her what i wanted. She handed me a box of cards.

I looked through them slowly, trying to find the card that would get my point across. I had come to the next to the last card. I did not see anything I liked yet. So I was not expecting much when I flipped up the last card.

All it was, was a purple card with a butterfly on it. Below it, it said Dream. Perfect. Because I have dreamed of this moment for as long as I have had a crush on her. She loves butterflies. She has a butterfly pendant, she has a butterfly ring. I could not have picked a better card if I tried.

I filled it out last night. I took a little of what Audrey told me to say, and mixed in with a few things of my own. I told her I did not know much about her, but I did know she has a beatiful smile. And I would like to get to know her. I also included the mysterious fortune. (Also by the way, if you add up the lucky numbers that it had, then you get 7, if you add up my full name in numerolgy, it also equals 7)9Side note i was also born in 77)I also told her if she wanted to go out for Coffee or something to give me a call. And i left my number.

I felt relief when I made out the card last night. It was like for once i had taken a step. A bold step considering the baby steps I had been making.

This morning I picked up the card and put it in my pocket. I was going to do it.

When I got to the bank, she was working drive thru. Damn, no way to really give her the card discretly. So I just left it in my pocket. I would try agin next Tuesday. I was also sad that I would not get to talk to her.

So i stood in line a little heartbroken. I looked over at her, she had no customers. She started going through some paperwork, and she looked up at me. Smiled and said hello.

I had been depressed all week last week, more like for the last 2 weeks. I bet 97% of it drifted away when she said hi to me. My batteries were recharged. Of course I told her hello. Then the teller at my window broke my moment to ask how I was.

I told her I was tired, I had tossed and turned all night. From Bank Girl I heard a loud Ahhhhhhhhhh, the kind that someone uses when they are teasing you about something. I laughed. I asked her if she was on vacation last week.

She told me she was, I asked if she went anywhere good, she said nope stayed home. We talked a little more at each other from across the room. She told me she did not get more than 4 hours of sleep last night. I asked her if she was up partying last night, she laughed and said nope. Then i left, with the card still in my pocket.

At this point, I want her so bad I can describe it. The card gets delivered next week. She could have been up late with her boyfriend last night, but if she was or was not, if she even has a boyfriend... all these questions will hopefully be answered next week.

Well i am going to get off this computer and go watch some more Alias. Audrey told me to watch the show and I have to say it has gathered my intrest.


Saturday, June 17, 2006

Is it a Sign?

I got this for a fourtune Cookie and I have to ask you guys if it is a sign, or just coincedence.

The Fourtune: Go After what you want: There's no time like the present.

The back side Learn Chinese: Yin-Hang: Bank

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Divorced Year One

I have been divorced as of a year today. Still not anywhere close to my goal of being happy. Some days i think i am worse. Some days i do better, and then there are just some days.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


I am still alive, bank girl did not work today, intersted in someone on myspace I went to high school with. Bored out of my mind. Hopefully have better stuff going on soon.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I am such an idiot

So there I am at the bank this morning, talking to bank girl. She is telling me that she had a good weekend, but it went by really fast. I notice she has a band aid on her finger which I ask about, being the concerned guy that I am.

She tells me it is just a small cut, nothing major, she just wanted to cover it because of being around "dirty money"

She then tells me that she got a scanner from her aunt. Her aunt could not get it to work. So she took it and said she got it to work. It scanned her picture, but she had no idea where it went. I told her that happens and the back of my head was screaming "Give her your phone number you idiot, so she can call you if she needs help with something. You know simple things about computers."

Why didnt I listen. I froze thats why. I could not form words with my mouth. My brain was trying to cram "do it", and "wait what are you thinking" through my mouth at the same time.

I listen to her go on about it. ( I was listening intently.) I told her that i rarely use my computer scanner. She then tells me that she would use hers because she does not have a digital camera.

All i have to say, is how am i ever going to get another oppurtunity to give her my phone number so easily. At this point I think someone could tell me that she has no boyfriend, and i would still freze up. I am sure one of lifes winners.

Because what i really want to say is this.

"I know only a little bit about you, but everytime I come in here and see you smile. I loose a part of my soul that breaks off and journeys off with a piece of your smile. In my heart they wander taking in all the sights of love and hope and dance on the smell of roses and chocolates. And before my mind catches up to the fact that I have yet to ask you out, my soul takes that sweet smile on its lips in an embrace that changes my life, changes sadness to hope, despair to love, and the touch of healing to my damaged heart. Make my soul whole again, for if you can't then it shall surely rot in the depths of despair that I have cast it to."

Or you know something like that.

Instead I end the conversation with, "Well congratulations on the printer." And end it with Have a nice day. (Which we both said at the exact same time)


Why do I make things this difficult

Oh well 6/6/6 is almost over. Maybe I can leave it with some of my sanity left.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

One of Those Weeks

Yes I had one of those weeks.

I manage to anger one of my friends with something I misquoted in my blog. Seems there was a little misunderstanding in what was going on, I took down the offense post. I left out things, not on purpose, but stuff that I took out of context and it made it sound like a more negative situation than it really should have came across as. We have yet to have a discussion about it all. But things seems fine between us right now, but I know we are still going to have to have that talk. I think the only reason we did not get a chance to talk it out was because I was having such a bad weekend.

My good friend Josiah got fired. It seems that some of his co-workers reported to the higher ups that he was an ass hole toward them. So they fired him. He was annoyed, he was fired because he would get angry because no one was doing their jobs.

But the Universe has way of taking care of ass holes like Josiah (LOL). Yes you see the next day he gets a job making 3000 more a year, plus better benefits. So you see just like I always say, the bigger the asshole the better the job. Or maybe it is what Jesse says, "No good dead goes unpunished"

So how did my weekend go. Lets see, Saturday morning I get up to go to work. Walk out to the car, put my key in the ignition. And turn, nothing, zip zilch nada. I instantly go into panic mode.

I call lukrativ because I knew he could give me a ride to work, since he had to be there anyway. I thought maybe I had left a door open or something (Because I did have to get laundry out of my car Friday night.) And figured someone seen my door was open and closed it for me.

I get to work, and getting ready to count down the drawers when I knock one in the floor, change flies everywhere. I think even 2 coin rolls burst. At this time I was ready to cry. It was not a good moment for me.

Luke and I drove over to the bank, because afterwards we were going to run and get donuts down the street. Luke lets me go into the bank. I look around, and no bank girl.

Then I see she is in the drive thru. Oh well no way to talk to her today. I look over toward her, as the other girl is waiting on me. Then She turns around in the little room for the drive thru. Sees me, Smiles real big and Says "Hi".

I instantly melt, its like one of those swooning things that characters do in a comic book. I get a big green and wave. She smiles and turns back around. It won't be too much longer till I ask her out. I am just a bundle of nerves, there is just something she does to me, and I have no clue what it is.

I did also talk to her a little bit on Tuesday. I found out she is 23 years old, maybe 2. She seems really reliable, she had the same job she had before the bank for 6 and a half years. And she has worked here in the bank since about October. (Funny little coincidence, that is about the same time I got moved to the store I am working at right now.) She even recalled where I had worked before from a conversation we had about a 2 months ago.

Lukrativ thinks she may be interested in me, basically they are supposed to be nice to everyone, but he said the fact that she did not have to say anything to me from across the room. I am not getting my hopes up.

Anyway back to the car. At that point seeing her Saturday, you could have told me I was dying of cancer and I would have had a smile on my face for at least an hour.

Tent sale went good, Jeff picked me up from work, took me home, and we jumped my car. I turned the engine off, and turned it back on... Nothing. We jumped it again and drove it across town. I turned the engine off at there house... turned it back on.. nothing.

Well we could not do anything at that point. We all had places to be, I rode with Josiah to our game. While Matt, Jeff and Phil went to an Evansville Otters Baseball game.

Afterward, we took my car battery down to Auto Zone to get it tested. By this time I had heard ever horror story imaginable about what could be wrong with my car. I heard altenator stories, I heard electric wiring stories. No one would tell me it could be something simple.

They test the battery, and much to my dismay, the battery was fine. He did however say the that batter was in a 4p. Piss Poor Proper Procedure. Translation, someone did not take a very good car of the battery.

He said one of the terminals looked pretty burnt. So he used a wire brush to remove some of the corrosion. He acted like this battery had survived war somewhere, to me it did not look all that bad. So when he told me to go home and try it again. I did not hold out much hope.

I knew it was something worse. So we got back to Matt and Jeff's. Jeff cleaned off the terminal connectors on my car, scraping the inside of them out. He said he even had to tighten the connectr on the positive side because it had been really loose.

He jumped me again. Let it run for 10 minutes. I just knew that it was not going to start. I had pretty much given up hope. So I turned off the engine. And turned it again. It fired right up. I let it run a little while longer. Turned it off, and fired it up three more times. Each time it started without a problem.

I drove it home, set my alarm clock for 5 in the morning. I was still pretty paranoid. I woke up at three. I went out and started it again.. it turned over. Got up again at 5, and again it started up. Got up again at 7 and started up again. Got rteady for work, and left.

So I am sitting at the gas station. in the pouring rain, I just filled up my gas tank. Now i kow from experience, Rob's law say this. If your vehicle is going to die on you, it will be right after you filled up the tank, or in the middle of a rainstorm. So i knew when I got back into my car, with a full tank of gas, and a rainstorm, there was no way in God's green earth that it would start.

For Once I was wrong, it started up fine. And Knock on Wood (or me) (OH Yea, Bank Girl Thinks that is funny when I say that) it is okay. It ran all night tonight.

So maybe the weekend did not turn out so bad after all. Because even though I had car troubles, it may have just been a simple bit of maitence took care of the problem.

Jeff, your my hero. LOL

Well good night guys, off tomorrow, and then Tuesday is another bank girl day. THH thought it was funny when I told her about the smile from bank girl. She said that the way I acted was like a man who converted back to a seven year old because I giggled when i described how that smile made me feel..

I hope BG never comes acrosss this blog, cause I sign like a drivingly idiot. Oh well, sorry for the long post. Everyone have a good night.