Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Christmas Time Moves On

Well Christmas is over. I am a little relieved and a little sadened. I really was hoping to not be alone this Christmas. Its hard on me. I enjoyed being "in love" and without that feeling, a one bed room apartment with a little ceramic tree just does not give you anything to be excited for.

Been playing some video games. Of course what else is new right. What have i been paying you may ask. Well Alot of Rainbow 6 Vegas. An excellent and very difficult strategic Shooter. Saving Hostages, repelling down casinos and busting out windows. Good Times!!!

Also been playing the new Zelda on the gamecube. Almost finished with it, only a few more dungeons to go. These are the reasons I may not have a girlfriend.

FInally got a new cell phone. I am not sure how long it is going to work. The lady at the cell phone place said these cell phones are prone to be blocked because they are prepay phones. But yet they all use the same kind of simcard, and I final got her to reprogram it. I think the bitch was just trying to make me buy a new cell phone, I was quite angry about the entire incident. She was bound and determined not to reprogram the sim card. It works so far.

I had a few weird dreams over the last few nights, for the past 3 nights I have seen my dog Tiki in my dreams. She always seems to be trying to get my attentionto follow her, but I am always dealing with something else and can't.

One dream I was at a mall with friends. And the air raid sirens were going off, and the mall loudspeakers were telling everyone to get down and hide because if the bombers seen any movement they would drop bombs. I was trying to rush to find a friend. The entire time I was thinking if something happens to her, her husband is going to kill me. And of course I see Tki at the end of the dream trying jumping around like she wanted me to follow.

Then the other dreams also had my ex wife in them. Both of these hurt, because itwas like we never got divorced. And it was how Christmas should have really been. And Tiki was trying to get me to follow her and kept jumping up to me and running away. Crazy ass pug.

Well okay I did not have a dream about her last night, so I just hope everything is okay. For my ex and Tiki. ( I tend to dream about her when she is having some kind of crisis)

Watch a pretty depressing movie. I am not sure why I tend to watch depresing movies. I think its if I keep watching them, and i dont kill myself aftward, some how I have claimed another victory.

Anyway, its called The Last Kiss. And it was kind of a familiar tale to me. Someone is bored with their life. Everything is too predictable. People tell this person you are so lucky to have such a person in your life who cares about you. And all they can see is the bad and that sometimes being content is better than getting the butterflies. But the ending is kind of a... WTF happens.

I keep telling myself one more big depressing hurdle coming up. The date of my Wedding anniversary. January 8th. Its almost a nightmare that after 2 of these I still hurt. Time does heal but it can sometimes feel more like forever. I did not cry this Christmas, but I did feel the heartache. Loving someone deeply is only a pleasure if it last forever. But these days what really last forever.

Good Night All

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Long Time, No Write

Wow, has it really been over a week since my last post. Momma said if you dont have nuthin good to say, then dont say it.

But I have an audience and the show must go on, so I present to you, constant readers (The whole 3 of ya) my next post.

Holiday blues, what can I say. They suck. I hate em, the holidays and the blues. I miss eveything around this time of year. We dont need to eloborate on what I mean by that. So moving on. I just want this year to be over with. 2005 blew, and 2006 took it straight up the poop shoot. So maybe 2007 is my year, hmmm.... Doubtful, but lets give the year a chance.

My cell phone is flat gone. Yup, it disappeared from the bus station lost and found, and the guy who had orginally found it had been on vacay for two weeks. And he told me right where he left it for me. I hope the sonofabitch who stole it walks across an open manhole or something.

Oh well I am getting a new phone tomorrow. I really have felt very akward since I lost mine. Not that any hot girls or even mediocre girls call me on it. But it was still my link to the outside world.

Is anyone else tired of hearing about the Nintendo Wii, I know I am.

I have not been playing much 360 lately, actually playing Zelda on the game cube. You know, the way that Zelda was meant to played, not standing in front of a Tv and swinging your controller around like a Handicap person, or my mom. And really, how do you guys prefer to play the new zelda game, wii, or the cube. Since the Wii is nly a cube with a remote control attachment. Anyone out there played both.

No she never called.

Ahhh, I am hoping for a girl friend next year. I say hoping because I gave up praying. No use in it. I prayed for the last 1.5 years for someone to come into my life, oh well.

Wow I was wrong about the show Heroes. I hated it and found it the most boring show on TV when it started. By episode three I was pretty much uninterested. Actualy I started watching it online, and caught up, and I kind of started to enjoy it.

Still Lost is my fav. I hate that people did not like Lost this year. I really have enjoyed it. I guess they tried something different and it may not have paid off. Then again, how the hell can you get a pay off from anything when you decide that after 6 episodes to postpone it for another 3 months.

And Jericho. Another show I love, I have even got mom hooked on it. We are going to download the next three episodes and watch em Friday night. Since she had not watched it because of Dancing with the Stars.

Oh well I am going to get off here. I just could not sleep tonight. And I knew I needed to let you gys I did not jump off a bridge or something. The sinus infection is gone.And I still have a few more antibiotics to take. I guess it was money well spent because my quality of life was more sitty than normal.

Maybe my next post will be more up beat.


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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Another Glorious Week

Hey everyone, first thing is first. The girl from the bank has not called. So I really think she was not interested at this point, and the worst part is I have to face down my demons for being a moron and even trying. I will have to see her on Thursday, and I just dont want her to feel bad for not being interested. Oh well its my mess. I will clean it up. But I guess unless things change this is the last time you will see the phrase Bank Girl, for some I am sure it is a relief. The ex is right, I am truly going to end up alone.

Now onto other things equally depressing. My head was pounding all weekend. So much so I could do nothing but sit there and take it. I mean when life started fucking me over, my head hurt so bad from the bending over than the actual ass pounding. So I knew one thing, I was going to have to go to the doctor. And I hates going to the doctor.

Seems I have a very bad sinus infection.
Paid the Doctor Bill: $30
Decongestant: $15 after Insurance
Antibiotic: $50 after insurance
Total: $85.

Add more money to my poor mother because I have nothing. It broke my heart enough to start crying again. Sure I am a crybaby. I am very metrosexual in that way, I am upfront with my feelings. It just hurts, some days it just adds up so much that I hate what i have become. I just got my car fixed last week. , she just bought me a car.

At the doctor's office I had to be weighed and blood pressure taken. I waited to hear about how bad my health was. Apparently God does not listen when you tell him you just want to die. Because while I have been bitching and moaning about how much I want to die since my divorce. I actually did loose the 40 lbs even according to the Doctor scales. Putting me at 257 (I was 300 pounds or so before my divorce) And my blood pressure is right where it is supposed to be. I have had High blood pressure since I was 16. Everytime I have went to the Doc they bitch about it.

After I got home from the doctor's office and had my little cry, I took the decongestant (that i was told could cause me to be restless and speed up my heart rate.) and the antibiotic. and fell asleep on the couch.

So anyway, I am going to get off her, I am feeliing better about everything since yesterday. My head is clearing up
Anyway maybe I will have some good days soon. Later

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Friday, December 08, 2006

Where the heck does this leave me?

My Gosh, i thought I would officially no if bank girl was interested in me by today.I got out of bed this morning with the world's most painful sinus infection. I would almost wish for the urinary infection I had this time last year, at least I am not using that part of my anotomy.

So she did not call last night. I was a little disappointed, but really kind of expected it. I knew I would not have to see her again until next Thursday anyway. So by then I am sure I could get over the akwardness of the entire situation.

So I suck it up, and go into the bank this morning. Which was very busy. I am waited on by the new guy at the bank, who I just dont care for him. He is not as friendly as the girls there. And as I wait there, and feel akward that everyone there knows what happened last night, and think I am some kind of psycho stalker.

T. is in the window right next to me. She waves at me. "Hey Robert," and I wave back rubbing my forehead from this damn sinus infection. "That was a Beautiful rose you left for Bank girl last night." I blushed. Okay good sign right, she showed it to someone and did not make me look like a tool, or that I was deranged. I feel a little better.

But I am not sure what T. said to me next. It started with, " I think Bank Girl ..." and I could not hear the rest of what she said, but I think she said "is going to call you." but I was not sure, she may have even said she really appreciated it. With my head, and my ears clogged. I could not make it out, but then she had to wait on someone else.

So I had hope all day that she would call me. But she did not. So maybe she was not intereste, but I wish I had known what T. had said. And i know BG works tomorrow, but I dont. So the suspense is killing me. I mean I am not going to be upset if she is not interested but right now my emotions are all up in the air. I will give her til Monday, to call before my hopes are completely dashed. But where the heck could this leave me?

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Thursday, December 07, 2006

I made a move

I left a white rose and a card on her car tonight. I grow tired of this game of being afraid to make a move. Maybe it will work and maybe it wont. But the worst that can happen is that she would have someone beat me up.

I left my phone number in this one too.... and i have not stopped shaking since I did all this. This situation should be over with soon. I will keep you posted

Saturday, December 02, 2006

My Conversation With God?

Okay so everyone has those wonderful freaky conversation with some random stranger that makes you think that you may have just met the one called GOD. And I guess he got tired of my whining and complaining and bitch about my bad luck. So there is a chance that the Alpha and The Omega finally took time out of his busy schedule to make me look like an ass.

You see I now today that I ran into one of God's Avitars today. He is a tall man, with a Buddha like girth. And he wore a gray Fedora. And he came into rent a movie today. Okay so it was not Angels in the Outfield, but I think he got himself a comedy, The Da-vinci Code, cause if you are God then that movie is a fucking joke.

Anywho, big man comes up to the counter. I get him his movie. I tell him the total and he whips out a twenty. " And God shall provide" he bellows, okay more like he says it in a voice that is not loud, but not silent, so for the sake of argument we will say bellows, because we all know that God would have his own way of speaking.

Then me, being the smart ass, cynical bastard that I have become. I reply, "Well he does as long as you are not me." Leaving that joke out there for a few giggles since you know, my life seems like its been in the crapper.

"No, he provides for you, he just tells you no more often." Okay. This almost seems kind of strange at the moment. How does this guy know anything about me. I am just making a genralized statment about my bad luck. I guess you really can not call it bad luck because everything has worked itself out in the end. As much as I hated the last month, did my friends not take care of me. Did I make it to work. Did I make it home from work. Did they not offer support more than I wished to burden them with. Sure I maybe was uncomfortable for awhile. But it did make me realize that sometimes you can not do it all on your own. You sometimes have to take help if it is offered to you.

Again I strike back. "Well me and the big man upstairs, have hd our ups and downs over the last two years, ever since my divorce."

Ha.. Ha.. Ha.. Strike back at you king smiter. Its a battle of wills, and the next thing he sys just took the sword from my hand, and smacked my nuckles with it like a Mother Supierior at a Nunnery.

"He tried to warn you about that too... but you would not listen." And this huge grin comes across his face. Like he could see my soul through my clothing. Like he had been watching me for almost the last 30 years.

Yes he did try to warn me. And he is right when i knew something was going on, I hoped foir the best, I am sure it would not have solved anything, but maybe if I stood up to her when she told me I was a jealous idiot, or when I caught her hiding something from me. I may have got out of this without loosing a part of heart. Or maybe had a backbone and do what my instinct was telling me to do. Instead i ignored it, because i did want to trust her, even though I knew something was going on behind my back.

I laughed at him, one of those nervous laughs. And I tried to smooth it over. "Well i guess if you you cant be angry at God sometime, who can you be angry with?"

He took in a breath like he was thinking back in his head to a simpler time, when he layed the smackdown on Adam and Eve. A deep sigh, not one of agrivation, but one of understanding and hope. "So very true." And he walked out my door. No I never seen him walk on water. But he left anyway.

ANd instead of felling tired and ready to go home. I felt more light hearted and calm. And realize how silly I have been about whining about my bad luck. At least for now... Tommorow is still another day.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Someone up there really Hates me

Bold comments are the good things that happened

Tuesday Night:

-Leave work, spirits high.
-Go to look for an Xbox 360 game to rent
-Leave the 4th video store, no game
-Ride home, what is that horrible moaning sound coming from my car when it turns
-must be something wrong with power steering
-cant check fluid, too dark and my stupid ass does not own a flash light

-Put in PSF, still making noise
-Check the levels, yeah its draining out
-Get car to shop
-Have Jeff take me home

-Ride Bus to work
-Rain pours down all morning long
-Bank Girl Gives me a very cute wave and a hi
-Worry all day
-Find out how much to get it repaired
-Ride the bus Home
-Get home and call my mom to see if (A). she has the money or (B) i have to sell my 360
-Left Cell phone on bus
-My home phone Battery is so old it is not holding a charge, I can not talk for more than 3 minutes without putting it on a charger.
-Call mom on said phone and let her no what is going on as fast as I can
-I get to Keep my 360
-Get ahold of Bus station, man goes on said bus and finds my phone
-Go to sleep with a massive Migraine headache brought on by the sudden weather change (It dropped from 70 yesterday to below freezing today)

-Call to Let them know to go ahead and work on my car
-Plan out my day, A. Get Car fixed
B. Go on bus ride to pick up
c. Go get Cell phone
-Do not hear anything about my car by 2.
-Call them
-Not even started on fixing it since 7 this morning
- Just called at 3:45 to let me know it was done.
-The bus station office closes at 5
-No chance of getting cell phone now til monday

What did I do. I mean i know things can get worse. But does he have someone else to pick on. Sure i got to keep my Xbox, but I am always fucking worried about what is going to happen next. Can he go burn some other ants with a magnifying glass. What the fuck did I do to deserve this. I am not fucking Job Give me a fucking break God, go make another bet with the devil over a dollar or whatever the fuck you bet on. Cause I am pissed.