Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Trouble Sleeping

Well I have not been able to get a good nights sleep since early last week. Last night I tossed and turned and could not get comfortable. I am hoping to get some sleep tonight. At least I do not have to get up in the morning.

Dreams, everybody has them, but soetimes I have really strange ones. Lately I have dreams that I am asleep. Laying on the couch, in the bed, you know whatever. Well A few times right before I wake up, my cell phone goes off. Most of the time its the same ring tone that is for my ex wife. I snap awake just to see that it did not happen, just a real vivid dream. Charla says its because she is on my mind alot.

Possible, but not really at the forefront all the time. If I am not careful i can drift off thinking about her. Even Charla has been having weird dreams.

She told me she had a very real one the other night that I was telling her that Sarahand Mandi were both wanting me back. Sarah found out that I was going on lunch dates with Mandi and she was getting jealous. She said the strange thing about the dream was that I was more excited about dating Mandi again then Sarah. Thats funny because I know that if Sarah wanted me back even at this point I would try to work through our issues. But i have to never worry about that.

I was going to take a walk tonight, I may still yet, but right now I just feel drained. I need to listen to my Church Sermon from this weekend yet. I really enjoy going to Church so i dont want to loose the momentuem.

Seems I have new neighbors they moved in over the last few days. I hear their telephone ring constantly, must have very thin walls. Last night I had to go over and ask them to turn down the brightness of their tv.. just kidding.

Well it seems today actually was a good day, I felt useful. Pro-divorce called me today, the first time he called me Captain Snacker.. grrrr. The next time he called, he said Robert, this is Sally...

Seems he is alot nicer when he needs something. Turnes out I know my shit when it comes to video games and I even think he was impressed. Its been awhile that I felt that useful at work.

Hell i did not even get yelled at by a customer today.

Well I gotta run... okay walk. I really need to get into etter shape.

Oh by the way Josiah.. I love the chili. Man I have been livng on it since Sunday...

R. Wood

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Your okay and I am One Dimensional

So even though the day started bad, it turned out not to be so bad after all. I got my tire replaced, which stung. Normal tires on a car run you about 60 bucks in eville. Not too bad. Unfortanately my car does not use the size 14 tire.

No, my car takes a 16 inch tire. What a price difference. The price of the tire started at $120. I mean really what the hell is the difference. I do not see the $80 difference man.

The important thing is, that it is fixed. I have a car. Matt and Jeff helped me tremendously, and I was very thankful. It always good when you know you have someone to depend on.

I did not go to church today, I did feel guilty, but I was tired, and had a headache. And i just knew I did not have the energy to sing and give praise to the Lord. So I will listen to the sermon online this week, and be back in the seat next Saturday.

It seems one of my co-wokers mothers, seen me there last week. She was going to say hi, but I was out the door before I even knew it. Her daughter is one of the sweetest people I ever met.

She tried to cheer me up on Friday night. She told me that someday Sarah would regret what she did, and it will be too late, cause I will have moved on and I will be happy because I will be with someone that makes me happy.

I wish I had as much optimism in my own life as she does. She even told me I was a nice guy. I really hear that alot. I know I am a nice guy, but sometimes it does seem like we finish last.

Hung out this morning with my boss, because my car was at the shop next door. He keeps telling me that I need to go to a trip joint with him. I have never had that desire. He said i should also try to talk to girls that come into our store because they are hood rats.

Some people are so one dimensional, but I guess I am too. I just have the nice guy one dimensional thing. I will always be the nice guy, who has character but lets people walk all over him. So I need to work on that part of my life.

I am really working on the courage thing. It seems that is a good place to go, I need to work on confidence. So that is where I am begining. My buddy Jarrod asked again when were going to do the hetero night out. He said It would be a good way to work on my confidence, and Jarrod is kinda of the cool man of the dork world so it could help.

Anyway, I am geting off this blog tonight I need to get some sleep. I have to get up in the morning. Everyone have a good day.


Saturday, January 28, 2006

I hate Saturday Morning

Well this Saturday got off to a great start. Almost before it began. I had just gotten off work, and went out to my car. ot in, put the key in, car started up... I start to back out.

Wapp-wappa-wappa thud thud. My passenger side tire on the front is flat. You have got to be kidding me. Here it is 15 minutes past midnight and I have a flat tire. Also, had i know about the flat before hand, I could have just gotten a new tire next door at the tire place.

I have no clue if my car has a spare tire or not, so i dig into the good ole hatch back. Lift up the floorborad. Awesome, sucess... I have a donut at least. Even better its not flat withier. (Becuase from my experience, just because you have a spare, does not mean that it is even usable. Long story, just trust me on this)

I dig out said donut. Sit it down outside my car. Run after it when it tries to run away. Reach in to pull out my jack. Haha... thats funny, a jack. Yeah whats a jack. No dice.

Ughhh. What do i do now. It is late, the only person that coud help me, is Ben... who is working. So he is a no no. I debate on calling Charla, I know she would come rescue me, and I would call Ben in the morning and have him help me when he got off in the morning.

I hate to call anyone this late at night. I get out my cell phone. Matt and jeff had called me about 4 hours ago. Hmmm, they only live down the street. So i give them a call. They come to my rescue.

How great is it to have friends. They bring a jack, and when they get there i realize that i dont have a tire tool. And they do not have one that fits my car eithier. So we drive to Auto Zone which use to be opened 24 hours a day. Well not any more. I call every other auto zone in town, again no dice.

So we call it a night. They take me back to their place to crash for the night. Now I am waiting for them to get out of bed, so i can get a ride back to the store, and see if Expert tire can hook me up.

I am tired. I think I am going to skip church tonight. I promise to listen to the sermon online however. Because i do not want to get rusty. But after last night I am just tired, and i am not sure how long it wil take me to get the situation resolved today.

Well at least it is good to have people you can depend on. If this had happened when I was married, Sarah would not have did anything but complain about it all day. I am sure if anyone else besides me had a flat tire, she would rush to their aid. I am sure any of her boyfriends here recently would not have gotten the bitch treatment.

Have a good day.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Post 150

Well guys here it is, my 150 post. I actually had another idea to write 150 things about me, but I gave up. It frankly got pretty boring. I shall hang on to it, and maybe try to think of some stuff to add to it, so when I get to 200 posts I can put it up.

I got some advice on love last night from "Tree Hugging Hippie". She gave me some goals, my first goal is to talk to 5 women, for over three hours, each, and not mention my ex wife. After much argument.

I told her I could not even meet 5 women. She then said 2 women, but do not even mention the ex wife. She told me I have to say I am divorced and thats it. Dont bring it up at all. She said that is my goal. So where do I find 2 women to talk to. Who knows.

See times like this I wish i had a sister, or friends that actually had girl friends. Matt told me he could set me up with girls, but it would basically be for sex only and he knew thats not what i wanted, he said if you want a relationship, he had not a one girl for me.

I have the only gay friends that dont even have fag-hags. Oh well.

I did try to go through a couple of my online profiles, and tried to frshen them up a little bit, I took out the whiny divorced parts. THH said most guys he talk about the ex, are "looking for pity" and women hate that. So I sent out a few messages here and there, and have been smackdown several times already. Maybe I need you gals who read my blog to give me some hints, let me pull up my yahoo profile.

  • My Online Profile

  • Any help would be much appreciated.

    I think I am going to go back and lay down for a nap. It seems that i was rousted out of bed this morning at 7:15 by my friend Josiah... why, was something wrong with someone... no he could not wait to get off work and call me

    Fatty McButter Pants. After which there was much rejoicing. Yeahhh!!!

    Then i decided to stay up and watch the movie Waiting, and I have to say i loved it. It was like Clerks for people who are Waiters. It also is the reenforces the reasons, why not to give anyone who serves your food a hard time. If only we could spit in peoples dvds and get some satisfaction out of it.

    Well guys I hope I am here for another 150 posts. Lets just hope things are better then, than they are now. Have a great Day


    Wednesday, January 25, 2006

    The Weasel

    So I decide I want Mc donalds for lunch, I walk since it is right behind my place. I get a little exercise to go along with my $.99 heart attack. I walk in and order my meal, I will tell you guys what I ordered because I am sure it will result into being called Captain Snacker, or even the more offensive Fatty McButterpants.

    As I am gettting my food, I look over to the left and see someone so vile and disgusting, that I almost loose my appetite. The idnoramious looser that my wife left me for.

    Standing there at his height of 5 foot nothing, weighing 100 and nothing. With that stupid grin on his face, the one you can barely see under his long crooked nose. My muscles twich beneath my jacket. As a rage that I have not felt burns through to my outer layer of flesh. My fist ball up, and I feel at any moment I am going to loose it.

    When he seen me turn around, I seen his eyes get huge. He knows that I could hurt him. It would not take much, after what he caused, I would literal rip him into 2 people. Or hit him so hard that he would loose his Bostonian accent, and sound more like a slackjaw yokel.

    I am not sure what she ever seen in him. I guess she seen a guy that she would never want to be with for long. but someone to help her "run away". It was never very serious, but it just angers me that this is what she would choose over me.

    Lets get a little into this guys history. He has 4 Children, by three different women. You think well he must have really like one of the women because he had 2 kids with her. Well, not really because i believe Sarah said they were twins.

    What kind of women gets into a realtionship with a guy that does not even care enough to live in the same cityas the kids do. In fact he moved down here from Indy while his last girl friend was pregnant. WHo does that, thats not right. Use a condom moron.

    Ughh I hate him for everything he was before, now I just want to hurt him. This is the reason why there are laws. because if this were the cave man days he would have been pushing up daisey long time ago. But i digress.

    I left without so much a word to him. I prayed to find my serenity. And before I even made my walk home I was better. He lives, for now. Mwhahahahahahaha.

    Anyway, i talked to Charla for an hour and a half last night on the phone. I also need to tell the world that me using theruflu was her idea, I forgot to mention that in one of the last posts. Also just in case, I hear eccenasia and Vitamin C are also good, and she told me to try some of that also. So if I ever do, I just want to let you know ahead of time it was her idea also.

    It was nice to talk to her, I miss talking to her. She has been driving a school bus this week, her parents are contraced with the local schools to do some of the school bus routes. In fact this week she has been drivng past my apartment.

    We also talked about dreams, no not the American dream with the white picket fence, and the 2.3 kids. (Do you ever wonder about that poor child that is only .3, or maybe its the mother does not give birth, ever... who knows). It seems her friend had a dream the other night that Charla and i were getting Married in a week, and it freaked her out.

    So in case anyone else is having the dream that Charla and I are getting married in a week you can lay your head down and remain calm. For right now we are just friends. Now that I have that clarified.

    Well I am going to get off her. I just wanted to share the weasel story. And if anyone see a guy matching my description please push him over or something, and call him a little bitch.

    By the way, he did not try to turn me into a speed bump, since the little weasel was not in his car, guess I am lucky he was not at the drive thru. I am still waitng for him to turn me into a speed bump, since he threatened to.

    Good day.

    Monday, January 23, 2006

    Some People

    My car was broken into last night. It seems Matt and Jeff's house has become a hot spot for crime. Okay technically my car was not broken into, since I left it unlocked. I leave it unlocked because if they are going to take anything out of my car,I would rather them not break my window to do so. (Like jarrod's car)

    I have yet to discover if they took anything. I mean what the hell can they take that I have left anyway. I am just glad they left my Exalted role playing Books. I spent alot of money on those after 5 years.

    We think we have an idea who is doing it. I mean ther was no problem until these people moved into the neighborhood. Maybe I need to put a sign on my car, DIVORCED: CAR CONTAINS NOTHING OF VALUE.

    Someone came to the door to tell us that my inside lights were on inside the car. Of course she was one of the believed culprits. Well they did not want my atery to run down, and I am glad for that at least.

    Why can people just not leave peoples stuff alone. I barley make enough money to live on some weeks, and I have people trying to steal my stuff. If you have a crack habit, go sell your body like every other crack head and leave my fucking shit alone.

    Sorry rant over.


    Sunday, January 22, 2006

    Still Exhausted

    It is after One in the morning, and I am very tired but yet I can not sleep. My thoughts still keep me awake, and they call to me. I did good last night, and it felt so good. I told Charla tonight in an email that I am so glad i was able to help the girl last night.

    Its been a long time since I felt needed. It proved to me last night that everyday people can truly be heroes. Sure I am no Spiderman, but shouldnt it be, With great Heart Comes Great Responsibility.

    I see the hand of God more in my life after today, then I have ever seen it. Yes I still miss my ex, and it may be that I will always miss her. But i learned Something in Church tonight.

    Sometimes through God we are made to suffer, and for no known reason. God always has a reason. And in our life we can never see it, because we only get to see life as it happens. God gets to see it from the begining, the ending and every milisecond in between.

    If I had awaken this morning, next to my wife, in the house that felt like a home. With two dogs sleeping running amoke through the upstairs chaising the two cats. Walked down stairs to go play Xbox. Would I have passed my mom in the kitchen, and would she had told me someone in Henderson was killed last night. Would I have cared, probably a little. But I would have continue down to the basement and lost myself in a game of Xbox, hell maybe even an Xbox 360 and waited until my wife got out of bed.

    No it would not have been on my conscience, because I would have not been in anyway able to stop it. But to think about everything that happen to me last night, everything in the last 8 years put me at the right place at the right time.

    Even the decision to stop in and see an old friend played into it. It was like last night was leading me to this conclusion. Did I save the girls life, probably not. More than likely she would have walked to someones house she knew.

    But just before I was going to drive her down the road onto many stops we would make that night, I was making room for her in my car. I had the car running, and my flashers flashing, and had just put my laundry in the hatch back. When someone did stop for a few seconds.

    Two rough looking guys in a beat up pick up truck, asked if I had everything under control. I told them i did and they went on. But who knows, maybe they were not just nice guys trying to give a hand.

    Maybe it is silly to play the "what if" game. I just wonder what if.

    I hope you guys do not think I am milking this subject. It felt good to help, and I am not trying to get you guys to scream, great job Robert, I really am looking into this deeply. And every week Church brings up answers to stuff in my life.

    I have been missing Sarah alot lately. I ask why do i suffer, the answer is, "I don't know". We never get to see the plan come together until it actually comes together. So I cry, from time to time, and I ask God why i suffer, and someday I am sure he will show me the answers I seek. But he deals cards that he is not ready to show, he knows why I was divorced, and it must be a good reason, for as i learned tonight, he wrote the book Song of Songs in the bible about marriage. And he designed it to be everything it is supposed to be.

    I want to leave you with the lyrics of a few songs. You can not read, or you can. It is just songs that keep cycling through my life right now. They are Contry songs, and each hold some meaning to me. I am not saying to read them all now, but try to at some point, and look at the words.

    Charla told me she thinks of me everytime she hears this song, because it makes her think of how I must have felt when Sarah left me.

    Chris Cagle - Miss Me Baby Lyrics

    Miss me baby
    When you hear our favourite song,
    Miss me baby
    And when you start to sing along
    Think about all the times that we danced
    In moonlight to it all night long, oh
    Then miss me baby.

    And want me honey,
    Like you did the night you told me that you loved me
    We couldn't wait anymore.
    Left the keys in the door, took my hand
    Pulled me down on the kitchen floor.
    Yeah, we were that crazy
    Then miss me baby.

    Because when he's holding you,
    Know that it's killing me,
    Let my memory be the reason girl
    That you can't sleep
    And everytime you feel his touch,
    I pray to God it's not enough
    And that I've touched your heart so deep
    Girl, you can't shake me
    Cause I love you,
    Yes I need you,
    Miss me baby.

    Miss me baby,
    Until you can't take it no more
    Miss me baby
    Pack your bags and hit the door
    I'm a man, I was wrong, forgive me
    Come back home
    I'll be waiting
    Right here waiting
    Miss me baby.

    Because when he's holding you,
    Know that it's killing me,
    Let my memory be the reason girl
    That you can't sleep
    And everytime you feel his touch,
    I pray to God it's not enough
    And that I've touched your heart so deep
    Girl, you can't shake me
    Cause I love you,
    Yes I need you,
    Miss me baby.

    Everytime you hear this song,
    Miss me baby...

    Tonight I Wanna Cry
    (Monty Powell/Keith Urban)

    Alone in this house again tonight
    I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
    There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
    The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
    I'll never get over you walkin' away

    I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
    And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
    But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
    To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
    From my eyes
    Tonight I wanna cry

    Would it help if I turned a sad song on
    "All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
    Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
    It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
    But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

    I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
    And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
    But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
    To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
    From my eyes
    Tonight I wanna cry

    I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
    And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
    But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
    To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
    From my eyes
    Tonight I wanna cry

    Click Here - 4 HOMEPAGE

    Browse artists > A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

    Lyrics > F > Faith Hill lyrics > Fireflies > Like We Never Loved At All

    Faith Hill - Like We Never Loved At All lyrics

    (feat. Tim McGraw)

    You never looked so good
    as you did last night,
    underneath the city lights,
    there walking with your friend,
    laughing at the moon.
    I swear you looked right through me.
    But I�m still living with your goodbye,
    and you�re just going on with your life.

    How can you just walk on by
    without one tear in your eye?
    Don�t you have the slightest feelings left for me?
    Maybe that�s just your way
    of dealing with the pain,
    forgetting everything
    between our rise and fall
    like we never loved at all.

    You, I hear you�re doing fine.
    Seems like you�re doing well
    as far as I can tell.
    Time is leaving us behind,
    (time � leaving us behind)
    another week has passed
    and still I haven�t laughed yet.
    So tell me, what your secret is
    (I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know)
    to letting go, letting go like you did,
    like you did.

    How can you just walk on by
    without one tear in your eye?
    Don�t you have the slightest feelings left for me?
    Maybe that�s just your way
    of dealing with the pain,
    forgetting everything
    between our rise and fall
    like we never loved at all.

    Did you forget the magic?
    Did you forget the passion?
    Oh, and did you ever miss me,
    and long to kiss me?
    Oh baby, baby.

    Maybe that�s just your way
    of dealing with the pain,
    forgetting everything
    between our rise and fall
    like we never loved at all

    She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
    On a snow white Christmas Eve
    Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
    Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
    It'd been a long hard year
    She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
    She was going way to fast
    Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
    She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
    She didn't even have time to cry
    She was sooo scared
    She threw her hands up in the air

    Jesus take the wheel
    Take it from my hands
    'Cause I can't do this on my own
    I'm letting go
    So give me one more chance
    To save me from this road I'm on
    Jesus take the wheel

    It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
    And the car came to a stop
    She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
    And for the first time in a long time
    She bowed her head to pray
    She said I'm sorry for the way
    I've been living my life
    I know I've got to change
    So from now on tonight

    Jesus take the wheel
    Take it from my hands
    'Cause I can't do this on my own
    I'm letting go
    So give me one more chance
    To save me from this road I'm on

    Oh, Jesus take the wheel
    Oh, I'm letting go
    So give me one more chance
    Save me from this road I'm on
    From this road I'm on
    Jesus take the wheel
    Oh, take it, take it from me
    Oh, why, oh


    Good night Everyone.

    Saturday, January 21, 2006

    Damsel in Distress

    Hopefully you listened to my last audioblog, or this may not make any sense to you.

    I am exhausted, all i wanted to do was last night was get to my moms apartment, and go to sleep. But instead i did not get to my moms til about 4 AM. In fact it is where i am writing this post from.

    I am getting sick again. I was starting to fill better, I had taken my coat off when i stopped to see my friend at his work. It was pretty warm here last night. but the tempature had started to really drop by the time i left ben's job. The wind had picked up.

    When I found the damsil in distress, she was crying, and freezing. I handed her my coat and told her to put it on. I helped her move her car, went and got her gas, twice. And drove her to 5 different places in Henderson.

    I am thankful I am the one that ran across her. there is no telling what could have happened to her. many men would take advantage of a young women all alone. In fact it seemed like no one who knew her even seemed to really care for her. her mom was not concerend that some stranger was driving her all over town. her Friend (she said ex boyfriend) did not care that she was stranded in his car.

    She just seemed to be another one of the lost souls of the world. I felt sorry fotr her, 17 years old and she told me that she feels no one cares about her. The thing is she was attractive, young and it seemed like her family had money, but she said she wasted her life with a guy that strung her along. if only she were a couple of years older, it might have been the story of true love. Imagine telling your grandkids that you met thier grandfather when her ex boyfriends car ran out of gas. Oh that would be a story LOL

    I dropped her off last night she gave me a big hug, and thanked me tremendously. Gave my coat back, and told me that i was the nicest guy she had ever met. I felt really good last night. I always feel good when i help people. or maybe i have always been a sucker for a women with tears in her eyes.

    So i got for my trouble:
    1. A big hug
    2. Told i was the nicest guy in the world
    3. And a worse cold

    oh well 2 out of three aint bad.


    this is an audio post - click to play

    Friday, January 20, 2006

    Health at 75%

    I feel a lt better today, i am still a little congested, but I am used to that from time to time. I did learn something though, theraflu works. And it will put you right to sleep. I really thought the last hour of work last night, if I could get away with paiting eyes on my eyelids and going to sleep. STANDING UP!

    Last night was decent, I did not get cursed out by anyone. Which anymore sticking to my guns gets me ripped apart at work. But it is actually a good character builder, I used to back down when someone tried to bully me, I dont do it so much anymore.

    The girl I was working with last night kept asking me question about my relationship with Charla. Wondeing if we were ever going to date again and stuff. Its funny when I write this blog I have no troubles talking about my personal life at all, but in person I just do not like to talk about it. Weird huh. And no i know she was not interested in the Pimp Juice.

    Well i need to go to work, i have to stop and get gas, I hope everyone has a good day.


    Thursday, January 19, 2006

    The Baxter

    Baxter (bax'-ter) N. A compromise to 'true love". The epitome of "settling". Shorthand for a bachelor with lots of exes, who is kind of a loser.

    So I am walking around straighting shelves last night at work. When i come across this movie. The Baxter. Never heard of it before, and usually I never rent anything that is not from a theater, but I read the back of this box and I knew it had to be watched by me.

    You see, I never realized that i was, what you would call a Baxter. I am the nice guy that every women thinks she wants until you realize that there is just something "off". I don't dress just right, my jokes arent that funny, or I just not the right look to go with your sucessful career. I am the guy you settle for, the guy that is just in the right place at the right time.

    I think the only reason why Sarah ever married me was this. Her brother knocked up his girlfriend and he was getting married. She could not stand the fact that her brother was going to do something long before she would, so she settled. On ME.

    Why? Because I was the one who was dating her, living with her, and paying half of the bills with her. It was not until after the incident with her brother getting married was I ever introduced to the family. She had mentioned to them before that she was dating someone, but no one had met me.

    The reason the family thought she had not invited me around them was this. They all thought I was black. Her Aunt told us this story, because she asked about their first meeting with me. The only thing her mother said was this, "well he is not black."

    I wish I had paid more attention to this more when I was dating her. I was too blinded I guess, because I was with a women i thought was more attractive than I thought it were possibly for me to be with. That this women was having sex with me on a regular basis, and yes was actually wearing an engagement ring I bought.

    I never knew of the term, Baxter. If I did I might have paid more attention to everything. Seen the fact that she was never in the long haul. I could never figure out why, one month she would want me to wear a condom when we had sex, to the next wanting me not. Why we bought an ovulation predicter, and her throw it away a month later.

    I was just what she settled for, not what she really wanted. And you know, I am okay with that. The only thing I hate, Is why Do I still have to miss her? Why is ther some nights I still cry myself to sleep. Why am I crying now. Why did I give my heart to someone who never wanted it.

    If I had given it to someone who wanted it before I ever met Sarah, would I be a Baxter now. I have so much to give someone, but its mostly damaged goods, you have more luck finding better stuff in a landfill. All because I fell in love with someone who I hate most days for where my life is. If I had never met her would my life be different now?

    I am thinking about shutting comments off to this post. Because i can already hear some of you already reading this and feel anger toward me. But first off, this is my journal of how I feel. If you dont like what I post, dont bitch, just dont read. From day to day, the pain and the joy, come and go. they are all who i am today.

    Maybe if I had not met her, then I would have 7 years of stories to tell that did not involve her. Maybe i would have found myself, because frankly I don't know who I am anymore. Because i never knew who i was before. I am still Sarah's Ex husband, because some day in the near future Sarah's husband will be taken again. By someone who is not a Baxter.

    Does it matter if he is better than me, no. It only matters that she thinks he is better than me.

    Sarah has a blog, i found it Christmas day. I think she knew I found it because she visited my blog several times after that. I think she was afraid I would post it. I will not. The only person I let read Sarah's blog was Audrey. I will not tell anyone where it is.

    In the blog she talks about how she loves her new guy, and how her biological clock is ticking. I just hope she finds someone that will care about her forever, someone she respects, and never hurts her. Because no one needs to ever feel like I do.

    God has a reason for everything he does. God does not work on our timetable, he works on his. I am sure he is teaching me something valuable here, or maybe he is teaching Sarah something valuable. When the time is right for me to be whole again, i am sure it will happen. I do have happy times now and again. In fact not to much of my life is spent actually crying. The reason I brought up the Keely story was this. For the longest time i thought I was being punished. I tried to steal someone away from someone. So I thought God had Sarah stolen away from me by someone who never deserved her.

    Like I said, I am not wanting to hear you guys yell get over her. So I am turning off the comments on this post.

    I really feel better after writng that. I am in no way saying that I dont deserve to happy. Baxters do eventually find someone to be with, sometimes its just another Baxter.


    Wednesday, January 18, 2006

    Story of Keely Part 2 (Please scan down to part one)

    The last post got a little long so i am breaking it up into 2 parts.

    "I am getting ready for a date"

    I got that sense of vertigo. Like my room was spinning out of control. I asked her again, what she said.

    "My friends set me up on a blind date." My world stopped reeling. I thought okay she is not interested in the guy. I said to her, "So you really dont want to go."

    "Well, he came in to work tonight and we talked. He is kind of cute. So I really do want to go."

    I Then got the, "my parents will never accept you because you basically come from white trash speech" Seems her dad knew my family growing up, from my moms side, and my dad did some work for him when I was a baby. Her dad and her had a conversation about me. And he told her that, I know you like him alot Keely, but I remember marrying your mother, and the hard times we went through early in our marriage because I was white trash. Your mother will never understand, and they will treat you like her family treated her. The best thing you can do is let the boy down easily."

    So she told me she was sorry, and she would call me and tell me how it went. I drove past her house 10 times that night to see if she was home, it was too dark to really see if the car was in the driveway. Ben came by the next morning in the early daylight, and he drove me by her house, her car was there.

    I was happy, because it meant I might still have a chance with her, because she did not spend the night. When she called me the next day, she told me she stayed out all night at his house and came home early in the morning. She left his apartment at 4.

    I knew it was over at that point. After that she wuit coming by as often, and then stopped calling.

    Fast forward to January 1 1998, I told my friends that this was going to be the year I find a really good women. I met Sarah 21 days later. We know most of that story so lets move along.

    Keely would email or call a few times here and there, and I told her about Sarah, she said she was happy for me, and she wanted to know when we could all get together to meet. I told Sarah and she agreed that she wanted to meet her. (I did not pine about Keely, not anything like the situation with Sarah) Sarah was scared keely would take me away from her.

    So they met, Keely had brought back something I had let her borrow. Sarah and her shook hands, but man it was intense. Keely did not like her, and she did not like Keely, and I think it made keely jealous when Sarah put her arms around me. Keely left, and it would be 2 months before I seen her again.

    I did get one email from her that said, Sarah would break my heart"

    Sarah and I had some issues early on. We split after 2 months of dating, I was heart broken. Of course thats nothing new right. She said that Keely was calling her and emailing her that why Sarah wass out of town, I was sleeping with her. (Hmm the same lies she told everyone else when we got divorced huh)

    I got mad, and sent an email to tell her to stop calling Sarah ad leave her alone. She was messing up my relationship.

    The next day at KB I was bending over to pick up some items from a box of new product, turned around and there stood Keely. I asked her if she was calling Sarah and lying (I had no reason to doubt this at the time, Sarah was an angel). She said she had not called her. I told her what she said, and she told me that she was lying.

    I had unbelief at this, but she told me she had come to check on me, since her fiance worked next door. I aksed her which one. It was the guy me and jennifer called 'House". I was a big guy, pushing 270 at the time. My fat was all in the wrong places, but this guy was gynormus. He had to be at least 400 pounds or more and like 6'6" We joked that he was as big as a house.

    Sarah and I got back together after 2 months and 2 days. (Again that number 2) I moved in with Sarah. Keely showed up one more time at work, and I told her that we had gotten back together. She told me again she is going to break your heart.

    Sarah had appologized to me about what she had done. I told her that everyone deserves a second chance.

    "Where was my second chance?" is what she asked me. I explained to he that her second chances were numerous. Besides your engaged.

    I have only seen Keely 3 times since then.

    One time when Sarah and I went to look for a dress at Famous Bar. Keely was there, she worked there. She gave us her discount for Sarah's dress, and she gave me the phone number of her and "HOUSE" and said we should all get together one night. Sarah told her we should. (WTF)

    The next time she followed me home from work one night, when i did a closing shift at a Store across the bridge in Henderson, at movies to go. I tried to loose her, but she followed me all the way home.

    I got out and she got out and we talked for a few minutes I was so afraid that Sarah would see me out the window talking to her and think something was up. I had my wedding album with me in the car, and I showed her all the pictures of the wedding. She said that she had gotten married also.

    She walked away and the last time I seen her was about 2 years ago, when she walked into the bank while I waited out in the car for my mom. She did not see me, thank goodness.

    Over a few years I learned that she hada frend move into the aprtments where my wife worked, and put herself down as a refrences. Sarah told me that this guy claimed that he was sleeping with Keely. Whatever, I was happily married and had not thought about keely very often at all. I really never missed her.

    So thats it. Thats is the entire Saga of Keely. I never really missed her. I would se if she was okay fro time to time, but I never have emailed her or anything. I was shocked to find out from Sarah's friend that I was having a sexual relationship with a grl I had not seen in over 5 years, but hey, it must have been long distance relationship right.

    I am sorry this post was so long. I think I needed to get that story out there, so once again you know a little more about me. The thing with Keely was this, she told me to my face that she was sleeping with other guys, while Sarah would lie to me about it. Sometimes you wonder which is worse,

    Carrying on a relationship with someone who tells you that you are not worth it, or one that lies to you before she tells you, you aint worth it.

    The Story of Keely Part One (Warning contains Sex, violence, and the first love of my life)

    Okay so I noticed that I skip over alot of my life. To understand who i really am, and where I came from we need to go back to before Sarah. We need to go back to my 'first". I thought I would lay off complaining about Sarah for once, well maybe a little less.

    I want to introduce you to my first heartbreak, my first love, my first kiss, and my first experience with sex. If you guys think Sarah is bad, you never met Keely. Keely was what someone would call a liberal sex machine. And that was my downfall.

    I was 20 years old. I had just gotten my first computer, a used one that I bought from a co-worker. I I was finally online with my 56k modem (hey it was 1997). And i found a website called yahoo. And back in 1997 yahoo had a free personals site. Oh love was so much easier to find when it is free.

    So I came across a girl who went to my high school. No picture, but she basically told her name in her yahoo profile. So i looked her up in a year book. She had very short hair, so would say boderline "dyke" haircut. She was a big girl. I never thought she was ugly, but I had no dealings with her in high school, none.

    Needless to say, I sent her off a message. And she responded back. We had a pretty good chemistry in our emails. So i left her with my phone number and told her to call me. Anytime during the night if she wanted to chat.

    I am not sure about the actual date, but the night she called me, my parents were camping. In fact I had a dream that she called me, right before she actually did.

    We talked til somewhere around 5:30 am. Close to like 5.5 hours. I should have know better. During our first conversation she told me she liked sex. But told me no fear because she was not a virgin conquerer.

    Well needless to say I learned a lot about her that night. I learned that she had benn engaged to a guy who beat her up so bad that her nose was a floating fraction. (I am not sure if this is true, but I am just telling you what she told me) She was alos in an on again off again relationship with the guy that her parents wanted her to marry. We shall call him Chuck.

    In my defense, she told me she had broken it off with Chuck, and that he was still bothering her. She said she wanted for him to date other people and leave her alone. So she was looking to date other guys. And somehow I fell into this category.

    No you have to think back to 1997 Robert. I had been out of high school for 2 years, never dated anyone, never kissed a girl. I was afraid of even talking to women. Okay so i am still a little bit like that But I had no confidence in myself, i found myself to be the ugliest thing in the Universe.

    I have to thank Keely for fixing that. She came into my work one night, a little bit past halloween. I worked at KB toys, and I just remember that we had Christmas decorations. And this girl walks in, that I did not recognize. Asking about our collection of die cast toy ambulances. (something Keely had told me she collected.)

    I kept looking at her, when she told me, "you know who I am right." I told her of course. We talked for a little bit and she left. I liked what i had seen. Alot different than the pictures from the yearbook.

    We talked a few more times, and I invited her over one night. She met my parents and we went and hung out in my room. I just remember her sitting on my bed talking with me. When we started talking about kissing, and I told her i had never even kissed a girl. She just looked flabergasted.

    You are not bad looking at all, why are you afraid girls would not like you. She then kissed me, and why world spun out of control. You never forget your first kiss, and I never forgot it. Then she dared me to kiss her. After about 30 seconds, I went for it.

    Life was good. Everything fell into place, then some things started to fall out of place. I told her that night on the phone after she left that I thought I was falling for her. She told me she felt the same way.She said she liked me for who i was, that I was this wonderful person, that treated her like she mattered.

    She came over more often, we "fooled around" (Use your imagination I am not going into details here :) }Then came up the subject of Chuck. It seemed that she was still going out on dates with Chuck again to appease her parents. She would leave my house, and go to Chuck's.

    Well Chuck found out about me. Keely had told him about me. Well he was angry, and jealous. He tried everything to win her back after that. Then one night he actually followed her when I was out with all my friends and her.

    We had went bowling, and he was an EMT in Evansville. Well Kristen, Ben, Johnny, Keely an I went bowling. Keely had lightning fast reflexes. Ben found out, I made some kind of smart aleck comment about Ben and he tried to throw a shoe at me (Who throws a shoe, Honestly) She reached out and caught it, before it smacked me in the face.

    He told her later that he watched us for awhile and said it looked like you all were having fun. Thats when the crazy bastard started stalking me. Or at least that is what i was told.

    One day while working at KB toys i went to the back for a lunch break. Supposedly while I was back there, Chuck came in and asked for me. Wil swears this happened, and the Ambulance drove thru there all the time. I nver seen him, so I think Wil was playing a joke on me.

    At this point I got a little nervous. I thought Keely had called it quits with him, and I was worried about retaliation. So I went to the muscle. Mike, well technically Mike was not the muscle but he knew the muscle. One thing I did not factor in, because I just did not know, was Chuck had dated Mike's sister.

    So I come home from work one night, about a half hour later, she called screaming at me. It seems that someone called Chuck, and told him that he better leave me alone. That this was shameful behavior. Well he happened to be out with Keely at dinner, with both there families at the time. Talk about bad timing.

    Keely was angry about me going to someone about all this. Drama is all I can say, she told me she never wanted to talk to me again. Well I was confused about the entire situation and I blamed the wrong person, BEN.

    Ben always had a way of sticking his nose in my love life. Calling girls I liked, or having his sister do it. Well since it was a female that had called, guess who I blamed, Ben's sister. So I drove down to Wal mart where ben worked at the time (he had more jobs and came back since then) I yelled at him in the store I was so angry. I told him he fucked this up. Yeah again, something to really mess up huh.

    I got calmed down, and no longer felt like killing him, Mikes wife had stepped in and told us to go outside.

    The next morning Mike showed up at the house. He had told me he was the one that had his sister call. To protect "Bubba" (Me) his family would do anything. I went to Wal mart and appolgized to Ben. I have felt guilty about that ever since.

    She called back, the next night telling me she was sorry about the way she reacted, she told me she ended things with Chuck. And after that we seemed to be in a different relationship, she was calling and coming over more, and I felt like I really had a girlfriend for the first time.

    Then i lost my virginity, technaically. My penis, entered her vagina twice, I told her I loved her, and she could not say it back. I realized that this was not right. I stopped, I put my close back on. And she did the same, I old her i just could not do it. She said she understood.

    After that, she was I believe kind of angry. She did not call me often, and she flirty with me rarely. Then one night i get this phone call.

    "Hey Robert,"

    I answer her back, hey, what you doing."

    She never missed a beat.

    Tuesday, January 17, 2006

    this is an audio post - click to play

    Monday, January 16, 2006

    this is an audio post - click to play

    Saturday, January 14, 2006


    I went some place yesterday to try to heal what has been going through me as of late. Yes Yesterday was 6 months since the divorce was final. 6 months. I know everyone has advice for me, and I know its because you care. Ben I understand your anger, but telling me to get over her is not going to help eithier.

    I went to the one person who I knew loved his wife, more than any other girl ever. My friend Johnny. Yes that Johnny, the one I spoke of before that I always thought his wife wanted to sleep with me.

    So I went to Barnes and Nobles where he worked. He was glad to see me. It had ben awhile since I had been in there and he had been working. I went over and talked to him, and asked how his new wife is doing, how both his sons were doing.

    We got on to the conversation of my divorce, and I asked him how long it took him to get over Christy. I knew it was awhile, because for a long time he never dated or anything. He told me, it took him forever.

    But then he said the ting that did give me hope. He told me that he did not miss her at all. He said he was happier now then he ever was. That is what I needed to hear. More than any advice that anyone has given, i needed to hear that it was possibly to love someone so much and so deeply, that you could get over those feelings.

    I know no one who loved their wife more than Johnny, except me. So that was something I needed to hear.

    I came home from that experience, and did my normal day to day activities. Nothing very exciting baically stare for long hours into a computer screen. And lay down to take a nap.

    The night before, when I got off work, it was 61 degrees or so. At Midnight. I just remember that I had to roll down the windows of my car on the ride home. Yesterday when I went to see Johnny at B&N it was a little colder, and it was raining a bit.

    After my nap, I got ready for work, and walked outside to leave. IT WAS SNOWING. I was in shock. I thought I had slept for more than 24 hours. The night before it was 61. And now its snowing. You every heard that saying, You dont like the weather, stick around it will change. Well trust me, the person who said that came from good ol'eville.

    I got up this morning, and finally had it with my hair. For several days I have not been able to do anything with it. My hair grows so fast that it drives me insane. After Lukrativ had made comments that my hair was all over the place everytime I came into work. I decided to get it cut again this morning.

    I also took a picture of what i look like today, in my church attire. It also looks like I need an iron, but oh well. I hope you guys like he new pic of me. I sure do it, it makes me look taller and thinner. I just wish my shirt was not so wrinkled.

    Well Gys have a great day.

    Thursday, January 12, 2006

    The Story of Me

    Long Time no Talk folks. I lay tonight in my bed, waiting for sleep to come, yet it seems so far away, because I know I need to write, and I will get no peace till I do. I have lots to talk about.

    First Charla. Charla and I are not dating for the time being. It seems that We both have some issues. I have issues with Sarah, that I can not seem to get over. I thought I was doing better, but as the holidays rolled in I spent more time depressed than happy. The January 8th came, our anniversary. Or what would have been our 6th anniversary.

    The thing was, I am not over all this yet. And who knows how long it takes. Like Charla explained to me, she knows people who have went through divorce. You have times that you are hurting, and then you have times where you think you are okay, and then you hurt some more, but everytime you are supposed to hurt less.

    I think there is some truth to all that. I am not over what she did to me. I also am not over what i did to her to make her think elsewhere was a better place to look. Because I know it is easier to blame her, when some things are just as much my fault.

    You know I do get alot of advice, and some of you just want to smack me sometime. Some of your advice I think is good, (Finding Heart, I know you keep pushing that damn book, but I am already a nice guy, your not going to find much nicer.) EPZ I think is tired of hearing me whine. Lukrative thinks I need to sleep with a women to get me over Sarah. And I am sure Pro-divorce agrees.

    Like Charla says, she can tell from who I am that I love deeply. She says that is not a bad thing, when you are with the one you love. I guess I think of my love for Sarah in the terms of a fish hook. Once it is your flesh, you cant just pull it out. Well you can but its going to hurt like hell. So sometimes you have the cut the tip, so the rest of the hook just slips out.

    So when you love so deeply, how do you cut the tip. I guess its one of those things that everyone has to learn to deal with on their own. The key is to cut that hook, before it gets infected. Right now I am the equvilant of a man running around with a fish hook imbedded in his lip, and its just starting to fester. Yes folks I just I painted a story of heartbreak with a festering fish hook.

    The worst part of this is that I hurt someone in the process. Because i did not want to be alone, and I thought the key to getting over a deep love, was by falling in love again. The bad thing is, that i am not sure if my soul was ready for that. So I liked Charla, but she was actually falling for me. Not in love yet, but well on her way.

    So here we sit, from almost a week ago when she told me she had to break it off with me. Because she felt like she was in Sarah's shadow. Charla worried that if I kissed her, that I maybe thinking of Sarah when I did. That there was this place deep in my heart that Sarah would always be. And she is not sure that she could love me knowing that she may just be my second choice. I understand that. No one wants to think they are the second choice.

    So we have decided to be friends. We have issues that we need to work on. She told me that maybe we were never supposed to be more than friends. But she told me that she could not feel right about not ever talking to me again. Maybe we were only supposed to be friends.

    I know this, I am thankful, that she has shone me the way back to God. Its something that I had lost faith in long ago. And she opened that doorway again.

    So Constant Readers. I continue my journey of discovery. I hope someday soon i think of how to pick the lock that Sarah has placed on my heart, the lock that will not seem to open and let me out. Put I have to find this on my own. No single bit of advice is going to do the work for me. And I cant just go around breaking hearts.

    I want to leave you tonight with something Charla sent me in an email today.

    Someone sent this to her. I have no idea who wrote, but it made a lot of sense to me.

    "Who am I today?" I ask...
    And I wonder if I even know.
    I know the past has shaped me now,
    Even though the past was long ago.

    The little moments form a blur,
    The times both happy and sad,
    All the people I once knew,
    and the things I used to have.

    They all helped me to become
    Where, what and who I am now,
    Because everything has influenced me,
    I'm not sure exactly how.

    But I'm thankful for the memories,
    Even of the people I've never really met,
    For the people I miss , the people I love,
    And even the people I'd like to forget.

    For the memories have helped me grow,
    they've made me calm, yet strong,
    and now there's a story to my life,
    That they've been writing all along.

    Good night everyone.


    Friday, January 06, 2006


    I have hurt Charla very bady with the last post. She has called it quits. I understand how she feels. I maybe have spent too much time going over the stuff that Sarah and i went through. And It was not fair to put it out there were it could hurt her and make her feel like she was living in Sarah's shadow.

    I have messed up a good relationship because I have problems with the past.

    Good night all


    Thursday, January 05, 2006

    Marriage Counseling

    So I wanted to share something with you. Back in 2003 my wife was going through her "I want a divorce" thing for the truly first time. She told me she wanted a divorce. She was never home, until like 9:00 at night, she was hanging around one of her maintence men, his girlfriend and the maintnece guys brother (who was the uglist thing on two feet, and worshipped her)

    I still believe something was going on with the two of them, she tells me there was not but she said the same about her maintence man now, so who knows. But lets get back to the "I want a divorce".

    I asked her, begged her, for another chance. I was sorry of putting my role playing ahead of you, because You know I was with you 6 nights out of the week and spending one night out with guys you knew personally was just to much for you handle.

    So I told her I wanted to go to Counseling. She told me she would do it if, I paid for it, because she just wanted out of this marriage because it was unhealthy for her. She was not happy.

    So I found a marriage counselor I could afford at i believe $140 a session. Okay I was barely able to afford it, but we went. And the first time we went, we sat down and told her our history.

    The thing is, my wife went after several things that made me angry at the time. One was that i took her for granted that she provided for the household. That I never carried my weight, that I spent my money on everything but the household. Granted she was taking my pay check and givng me an Allowance. So i was supposed to spend my "allowance" on what everything else. If she was concerened that I was spending money on things I did not need, then why give me an allowance to begin with. Just take my paycheck , I did not need anything but her.

    She complained I did not try to ever look for a new job. So like the next week, i get a letter from our company, I think pro-divorce may have even been the one to bring it out to me in the garage. It was a chance to become a member of Loss prevention, it was a $40,000 a year job (or at least up to) and a company car. I thought God had delivered me a way to make my wife happy, because thats all i ever wanted to do.

    So i went to the interview, with Mr. Annoying, some jerk wad that no one could stand at the office. In fact I am so glad he left. I thought the interview went well, but I was very nervous because I thought everything relied on me getting this job, that looking back I had no possibly way of getting.

    I waited and heard nothing, until Saturday when I checked the mail. My wife was asking me if i got the job, because I needed to it for me because our marriage was crumbling. And she did not want to have to worry about me becuase I could not possibly make it on my own. With what i make.

    Well when I read the letter, saying i did not get the job, i remeber crying. I remember coming in from the mail and telling her through tears that I did not get the job. I went and closed the bathroom door, running a bath and just crying my eyes out. I neeeded this so bad to even have a chance at keeping my marriage together.

    A little while later she came in to check on me. I think she thought I killed myself. She talked to my like a human being for the first time in weeks. I told her I wanted to make you happy, I wanted you to see you did not marry a worthless slug. I am not sure exactly what happend, its not like things got any better after that. Bt she showed some compassion in that moment.

    The second thing that she complained about was our sex life. I am not sure what she truly wanted but she said that I was not a good lover because I never kissed her during the actualy sex part, she said she thought we were fucking and not making love. (her words not mine)

    I am sorry, I have this thing called a gut, it does get in the way of everything, plus I do not have a porn stare penis. I did the best I could do. I kissed her before, I kissed and cuddled after but I am sorry if I was not able to during. I only have what God gave me, and I did my best.

    After the first session, the marriage couselor told us that our marriage had a few problems. She knew it could definately be saved, but she went over a few things. One was that we needed to find something to do with my mother.That was hard on me. My mo gave up everything she had, so she could move in with us, because Sarah wanted her to. Because Sarah promised her that this house was the best thing for all of us. But I was trying to work it out in my head because I hated to admit she was right. But Sarah had put me in the situation and I did not like that at all. But she told Sarah that she had to quit hiding things, and blaming me for everything that went wrong, and the fact that I tried to find jobs and failed was because I was having so much presure put on me. Alot of stuff she took my side on.

    I thought it went well, and I had hope. We had drove there seperatly and she followed me on the way home. I could see she was talking to someone on the cell phone. But she never told me who.

    I tried to talk to her about the session, and she said she thought the women took my side to much, and she did not like her becase she said most everything was her fault. Hmmm...

    We went back the next week. We talked alot of things out. My wife liked the next session and two weeks later we were schedulked to go back. Well things improved slightly over that time period. It seems that she had left the maitnrce man's brother borrow money. (who by the way was also a pot head). And he did not pay it back (llike $285) I wonder why never had money hmmm.

    Well after that, she seen that these guys she was hanging around with were not as great as she thought. After the next few weeks things started to feel calmer, she would talk to me, sleep in the same bed, we were not having sex and she was not saying I love you to me. (Probably we were not having sex becuase I was just so bad at it)

    She wanted a dog, so we went out and bought a Pug, who was my favorite dog I every had. We named her Tiki. I thought it was a cute name because I think Tiki relighted a little passion for each other , like a Tiki torch. I remember on the hour drive to Illinois to pick her up, she put her hand on my leg, (it is her once sign of affection) and I just remeber trying to cry cause I thought this was all getting better.

    It would be another few weeks, I believe October, before we kissed again, and that happened when she came home and was watching me play a game on PS2 after she got home. She thought it would be cool if we got another ps2 so we could play side by side. I whole heartedly agreed, we bought another PS2 used. After thought she came home, and put her wedding rings back on, after about 2 months and 2 weeks of not weating them. Next weekend after that I made love to her, and things got back to normal. i had given up role playing, I had given up even speaking with my frineds. But i was happy because I thought I had what i needed to make me happy.

    The other guy and Sarah quit even communicating, and she relaized at the time she had what she needed, and over the next year and a half, she told me how lucky she felt because we did not get a divorce, and how lucky we were to have my mother living with us, and yadda yadda yadda.

    So what in the hell happened to make her decide a year and a half later that I was not worth it?

    Monday, January 02, 2006

    My Weekend

    Well my UTI has almost gone away now. I am not sure how much longer i could have put up with that you know. They are painful, and they just ruin your whole day. But now I am coming down with a cold, which is okay since I will not be able to see Charla probably until this weekend.

    So i got up Saturday morning. And I was in a blah mood, I was not feeling well, and I had not slept well. My apartment was a mess. I was bored and had nothing to accomplish til later.

    So I did something that shocked even me, i started to clean up the apartment. I kept telling myself it could wait til Monday, but no I wanted it done now. So I did it. It took about an hour, but afterwards i felt so much better, with no clutter everywhere.

    After I got done I just kind of looked up stuff on the net. Just trying to keep my mind occupied so i would not get bored. I thought about watching the Movie, "The Cave" but was not really in a movie mood.

    Well to understand what i am about to tell you, we need to go back to a few days before Christmas. I was waiting on a women, and she said something about "you guys are opened on Christmas eve and Christmas day?"

    I told her yeah, I was working all day on Christmas eve, from open to close, but was going to be off Christmas. She said that was terrible I was working open to close.

    "Yeah well all I have in my family is my mom anyway since my divorce."

    She asked me if I went to Church, I told her I did not but had thought about more recently about attending. She told me that there was a great church that she went to. Called Christian Fellowship Church. She told me I should come out there, and she told me what times that they held service.

    I put it in to the back of my mind and moved on. Well I was off the next day, but when I went back to work the day after. I was speaking to another customer, and we were talkig about the holidays, and it came up again that I was divorced.

    He talked to me for a little bit, telling me that he has been married for 32 years, and its as much work today as it was when they had been married for 5 years. He then asked me if I went to Church. I looked at him with a rather odd look on my face.

    "your going to tell me about Christian Fellowship Church arent you." He smiled and lauged.

    "I guess someone already has."

    So we talked, and he mentioned something that sent chills up my spine, " I dont believe in coincedence. I think you are being shone a direction to go in your life."

    Both of these people, I had never seen before. I have not seen them since. The Church is a huge Church so i am sure they were there, and Saturday Night... So was I.

    At first I was nervous, I had not really been to a church sevice since the night Sarah and I went to her grandfather's church, because we had to meet with the women who was going to make our wedding cake. (The same night that she told me she was not going to marry me because I broke the cake topper, which I did not.)

    There was lots of singing, and large screens on each side of the room, that displayed the words. I was thankful, because most of these songs I had never heard of. At first I did not sing at all, I just stood there.

    Well the pastor came up on stage, and I was enthralled by his speaking. He talked about the 60's and how that was a time when people started livng for themselves, that there was nothing other than this. That once we died it was over. He quoted the lyrics to Imagine by John Lennon, "Imagine their is no heaven, its not hard if you try." "People livng just for today."

    I have to admit, I felt something at that Church Saturday night, i felt hope. Something I have been missing for a long time. I m one of those people that feels like you can believe in a God and not go to Church.

    I am going back next week, and the probably from now on. I dont care if it causes me to be late to my role playing game. I felt good when I left there Saturday night. Josiah had called me twice during church but I had my cell phone on silent.

    I called him back when I got out of Church. I told him I was sorry, i was at Church, and I got his monotome. So i heard. But that is how Josiah is. When I got over there, they teased me. Did you go to Church with your Girlfriend.

    No, I told them I went by myself. In fact Charla did not even know I was going until she had gotten home that night. i thik it even took her by surprise.

    Yes, and never tell your friends that you have anything wrong with your penis. Suddenly my UTI became 'the clap" and eventually became a yeast infection. In fact when they start its best if you say nothing at all. I told them it was not the clap, because I had not had sex since April.

    Who is April and why did we never meet her. See. I feel into it. Hook line and sinker.

    We started playing the Board Game Scene It around 11:00. And we had a blast, it was just the four of us. Matt, Jeff, Josiah, and I. In fact if someone had not set off fireworks outside at midnight, we would have missed the entire new year to begin with.

    We finished the first game at 1;00, so we decided to play another one. Well it took us 2 hours to finish it. Jeff has won every game of Scene it we have played. GRRR...

    I left there at about 3:15 and went home, i had to open the store in the morning. SO I got about 4 hours of sleep.

    I am going to have to finish up this instalment at another time, not much left to tell, but my back is killing me because I am sick, and aching. So i am going to lay down on the couch and watch "The Cave"

    Have a great day.