Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Baxter

Baxter (bax'-ter) N. A compromise to 'true love". The epitome of "settling". Shorthand for a bachelor with lots of exes, who is kind of a loser.

So I am walking around straighting shelves last night at work. When i come across this movie. The Baxter. Never heard of it before, and usually I never rent anything that is not from a theater, but I read the back of this box and I knew it had to be watched by me.

You see, I never realized that i was, what you would call a Baxter. I am the nice guy that every women thinks she wants until you realize that there is just something "off". I don't dress just right, my jokes arent that funny, or I just not the right look to go with your sucessful career. I am the guy you settle for, the guy that is just in the right place at the right time.

I think the only reason why Sarah ever married me was this. Her brother knocked up his girlfriend and he was getting married. She could not stand the fact that her brother was going to do something long before she would, so she settled. On ME.

Why? Because I was the one who was dating her, living with her, and paying half of the bills with her. It was not until after the incident with her brother getting married was I ever introduced to the family. She had mentioned to them before that she was dating someone, but no one had met me.

The reason the family thought she had not invited me around them was this. They all thought I was black. Her Aunt told us this story, because she asked about their first meeting with me. The only thing her mother said was this, "well he is not black."

I wish I had paid more attention to this more when I was dating her. I was too blinded I guess, because I was with a women i thought was more attractive than I thought it were possibly for me to be with. That this women was having sex with me on a regular basis, and yes was actually wearing an engagement ring I bought.

I never knew of the term, Baxter. If I did I might have paid more attention to everything. Seen the fact that she was never in the long haul. I could never figure out why, one month she would want me to wear a condom when we had sex, to the next wanting me not. Why we bought an ovulation predicter, and her throw it away a month later.

I was just what she settled for, not what she really wanted. And you know, I am okay with that. The only thing I hate, Is why Do I still have to miss her? Why is ther some nights I still cry myself to sleep. Why am I crying now. Why did I give my heart to someone who never wanted it.

If I had given it to someone who wanted it before I ever met Sarah, would I be a Baxter now. I have so much to give someone, but its mostly damaged goods, you have more luck finding better stuff in a landfill. All because I fell in love with someone who I hate most days for where my life is. If I had never met her would my life be different now?

I am thinking about shutting comments off to this post. Because i can already hear some of you already reading this and feel anger toward me. But first off, this is my journal of how I feel. If you dont like what I post, dont bitch, just dont read. From day to day, the pain and the joy, come and go. they are all who i am today.

Maybe if I had not met her, then I would have 7 years of stories to tell that did not involve her. Maybe i would have found myself, because frankly I don't know who I am anymore. Because i never knew who i was before. I am still Sarah's Ex husband, because some day in the near future Sarah's husband will be taken again. By someone who is not a Baxter.

Does it matter if he is better than me, no. It only matters that she thinks he is better than me.

Sarah has a blog, i found it Christmas day. I think she knew I found it because she visited my blog several times after that. I think she was afraid I would post it. I will not. The only person I let read Sarah's blog was Audrey. I will not tell anyone where it is.

In the blog she talks about how she loves her new guy, and how her biological clock is ticking. I just hope she finds someone that will care about her forever, someone she respects, and never hurts her. Because no one needs to ever feel like I do.

God has a reason for everything he does. God does not work on our timetable, he works on his. I am sure he is teaching me something valuable here, or maybe he is teaching Sarah something valuable. When the time is right for me to be whole again, i am sure it will happen. I do have happy times now and again. In fact not to much of my life is spent actually crying. The reason I brought up the Keely story was this. For the longest time i thought I was being punished. I tried to steal someone away from someone. So I thought God had Sarah stolen away from me by someone who never deserved her.

Like I said, I am not wanting to hear you guys yell get over her. So I am turning off the comments on this post.

I really feel better after writng that. I am in no way saying that I dont deserve to happy. Baxters do eventually find someone to be with, sometimes its just another Baxter.