Thursday, January 05, 2006

Marriage Counseling

So I wanted to share something with you. Back in 2003 my wife was going through her "I want a divorce" thing for the truly first time. She told me she wanted a divorce. She was never home, until like 9:00 at night, she was hanging around one of her maintence men, his girlfriend and the maintnece guys brother (who was the uglist thing on two feet, and worshipped her)

I still believe something was going on with the two of them, she tells me there was not but she said the same about her maintence man now, so who knows. But lets get back to the "I want a divorce".

I asked her, begged her, for another chance. I was sorry of putting my role playing ahead of you, because You know I was with you 6 nights out of the week and spending one night out with guys you knew personally was just to much for you handle.

So I told her I wanted to go to Counseling. She told me she would do it if, I paid for it, because she just wanted out of this marriage because it was unhealthy for her. She was not happy.

So I found a marriage counselor I could afford at i believe $140 a session. Okay I was barely able to afford it, but we went. And the first time we went, we sat down and told her our history.

The thing is, my wife went after several things that made me angry at the time. One was that i took her for granted that she provided for the household. That I never carried my weight, that I spent my money on everything but the household. Granted she was taking my pay check and givng me an Allowance. So i was supposed to spend my "allowance" on what everything else. If she was concerened that I was spending money on things I did not need, then why give me an allowance to begin with. Just take my paycheck , I did not need anything but her.

She complained I did not try to ever look for a new job. So like the next week, i get a letter from our company, I think pro-divorce may have even been the one to bring it out to me in the garage. It was a chance to become a member of Loss prevention, it was a $40,000 a year job (or at least up to) and a company car. I thought God had delivered me a way to make my wife happy, because thats all i ever wanted to do.

So i went to the interview, with Mr. Annoying, some jerk wad that no one could stand at the office. In fact I am so glad he left. I thought the interview went well, but I was very nervous because I thought everything relied on me getting this job, that looking back I had no possibly way of getting.

I waited and heard nothing, until Saturday when I checked the mail. My wife was asking me if i got the job, because I needed to it for me because our marriage was crumbling. And she did not want to have to worry about me becuase I could not possibly make it on my own. With what i make.

Well when I read the letter, saying i did not get the job, i remeber crying. I remember coming in from the mail and telling her through tears that I did not get the job. I went and closed the bathroom door, running a bath and just crying my eyes out. I neeeded this so bad to even have a chance at keeping my marriage together.

A little while later she came in to check on me. I think she thought I killed myself. She talked to my like a human being for the first time in weeks. I told her I wanted to make you happy, I wanted you to see you did not marry a worthless slug. I am not sure exactly what happend, its not like things got any better after that. Bt she showed some compassion in that moment.

The second thing that she complained about was our sex life. I am not sure what she truly wanted but she said that I was not a good lover because I never kissed her during the actualy sex part, she said she thought we were fucking and not making love. (her words not mine)

I am sorry, I have this thing called a gut, it does get in the way of everything, plus I do not have a porn stare penis. I did the best I could do. I kissed her before, I kissed and cuddled after but I am sorry if I was not able to during. I only have what God gave me, and I did my best.

After the first session, the marriage couselor told us that our marriage had a few problems. She knew it could definately be saved, but she went over a few things. One was that we needed to find something to do with my mother.That was hard on me. My mo gave up everything she had, so she could move in with us, because Sarah wanted her to. Because Sarah promised her that this house was the best thing for all of us. But I was trying to work it out in my head because I hated to admit she was right. But Sarah had put me in the situation and I did not like that at all. But she told Sarah that she had to quit hiding things, and blaming me for everything that went wrong, and the fact that I tried to find jobs and failed was because I was having so much presure put on me. Alot of stuff she took my side on.

I thought it went well, and I had hope. We had drove there seperatly and she followed me on the way home. I could see she was talking to someone on the cell phone. But she never told me who.

I tried to talk to her about the session, and she said she thought the women took my side to much, and she did not like her becase she said most everything was her fault. Hmmm...

We went back the next week. We talked alot of things out. My wife liked the next session and two weeks later we were schedulked to go back. Well things improved slightly over that time period. It seems that she had left the maitnrce man's brother borrow money. (who by the way was also a pot head). And he did not pay it back (llike $285) I wonder why never had money hmmm.

Well after that, she seen that these guys she was hanging around with were not as great as she thought. After the next few weeks things started to feel calmer, she would talk to me, sleep in the same bed, we were not having sex and she was not saying I love you to me. (Probably we were not having sex becuase I was just so bad at it)

She wanted a dog, so we went out and bought a Pug, who was my favorite dog I every had. We named her Tiki. I thought it was a cute name because I think Tiki relighted a little passion for each other , like a Tiki torch. I remember on the hour drive to Illinois to pick her up, she put her hand on my leg, (it is her once sign of affection) and I just remeber trying to cry cause I thought this was all getting better.

It would be another few weeks, I believe October, before we kissed again, and that happened when she came home and was watching me play a game on PS2 after she got home. She thought it would be cool if we got another ps2 so we could play side by side. I whole heartedly agreed, we bought another PS2 used. After thought she came home, and put her wedding rings back on, after about 2 months and 2 weeks of not weating them. Next weekend after that I made love to her, and things got back to normal. i had given up role playing, I had given up even speaking with my frineds. But i was happy because I thought I had what i needed to make me happy.

The other guy and Sarah quit even communicating, and she relaized at the time she had what she needed, and over the next year and a half, she told me how lucky she felt because we did not get a divorce, and how lucky we were to have my mother living with us, and yadda yadda yadda.

So what in the hell happened to make her decide a year and a half later that I was not worth it?