Friday, July 29, 2005

Its Just a Ride

I heard this song on good ole Blockbuster tv, and I have heard it every hour on the hour for a week now. But if you listen to the words it has a great meaning. I am not sure how popular this song is, or if anyone else likes it, but I do.


"Just A Ride"

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you

Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we

Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
Except that
There's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
Coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

No Dinner for Me

I guess all my worry about dinner was for naught. She called an cancelled because her father's surgery did not get over until about 5 and she did not get home til 5:30 and her brother was going to stay the night with her. So here I sit all alone.

I was actually looking forward to it. So I went out and traded off some more games to get a new one. Then I read the rewiews and they were pretty terrible, I was thinking of taking it back and getting something different. Since I have not opened it yet, for the very reason that it may not be very good.

I noticed that my ex took down here blog. I really hurt her feelings this time. I was a little harsh but I hurt to. You know I tried to be her friend, but she stopped talking to me. She could not take the criticism of what I had to say about her boyfriend or whatever he was. I am sad to see her take down her blog. Or she moved it. Who knows, I bet she never talks to me again. It will hurt to know that she hates me, and that i have lost her.

Well I am going to enjoy the rest of my disappointing night. I never get excited about things anymore, if you get comfortable or excited about anything good that happens to me, it just falls apart.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


Well I have been an emotional state for a day now. I feel bad about the way I reacted in my post about my ex wife. I send to rage out because of anger and hurt feelings. I will not appologize for what I wrote. They were not to cause anyone esle harm. I did not wish her harm.

I broke down yesterday at work 3 times after talking to her. Becuase it hurt me, it always hurt me when she is mad at me. I always had a psychic conection to her moods, when she hurt, I cried, if she was angry I would hide.

I went out to eat with my friend Jarrod last night, I told him of the situation. He said its not wishing harm to her, he then said, "Its protecting the entire world from harm". I did call him an asshole after this, which by all means he knows he is anyway. Its his nature.

Mandi called me twice from work today to chat while she was bored. She asked what time I had to work tomorrow. I told her, she said she wanted to cook me dinner tomorrow night. Now I have rarely in a 7 year relationship had my wife cook for me. She has cooked dinner in 7 years less the the number of fingers that she has. Not that she cant cook. She can, she just thought of me as special enough to cook for.

Mandi asked if I like steak. And mashed potatoes, and asked me if I wanted another vegtables. She then mentioned salad, I told her salad would be great.

I was shocked about this, she also has some stuff to deal with tomorrow morning. Her dad has to have surgery. She was telling me that her and her dad have been fighting recently. She said the phrase, "Just keep kicking me dad, and when you have to have surgery or borrow money i will be there, cause thats what family is."

I told her the last thing I said to my dad before he died was, "I will see you tomorrow, or... Monday... Well I will see you Whenever." We worked together, and it was a Friday, so he was cutting out early, because it was a slow day at the ole Blockbuster Warehouse. My car was giving me problems So I had my wifes at the time, and he said something about coming over Sunday an fixing it. Dad was always good at that stuff. So when i was telling him good bye I said tomorrow out of Habit, I said Monday because I forgot about Sunday, and then remembered Sunday i said whenever because he knew what i meant.

I never seen him alive again after that. He died in the middle of the night Saturday night/Sunday morning. My best friend came to get me because my MOm was so upset she could not remember my phone number.

Me, Ben and my wife went to my old house, we spent the day getting funeral arrangements and flowers. When Ben drove me and Sarah home, we were picking up her car and getting some clothing. And driving back over to henderson.

I looked at my car. Sitting there in the Cold December Sunday Sun. I walked over to it and told Sarah to hold on a second. I got in my car and put the key in the ignition. It started right up, and it had not started once all week. I looked at My wife and said, my dad fixed my car and I just started bawling.

Now here is my dilema with Mandi, she is always getting hurt. Thats why she is so hesitant about this relationship. Everybody has treated her bad in her family. I am afraid of what i should do. I like her but I just got out of a serious relationship. I am not ready to jump back into a serious relationship with someone I may or may not have those feelings for. But thats not to say if I tough it out it wont be good. But do i really want to settle down with the first girl I have dated right after my marriage. It happens to often now. I dont know. We will see. Maybe I am just being overly dramatic about dinner.


Weekend In Review

Well my weekend started Saturday morning with work. So I worked through that as painfully as possible. Mandi called, because her brother was coming over that night so she wanted to be back by 8, so we decided that when i got off at 5 we would go eat dinner and I would call the night short to go hang out with my saturday night crew.

I get a call right as I am pulling up to her apartment from Jarrod. He says everyone is meeting at Old Chicago and eating. Well I told him I would be there, maybe a little late, but I would be there.

MAndi and I had a good dinner I was stuffed and could use a nap. But I dropped her off, and told her I would call her tomorrow. Then drove over to Old chicagos pizza. I just knew I was going to start my journey down to the wall of Foam. I was mesmerized by the thought of coold delicious beer as the tempature hovered outside around 95 with humidity making it somewhere close to the center of the sun (110 degrees aprox.)

When I got there I called jarrod. Becuase I did not se his car anywhere. He said he would be there shortly and that a few of the other guys I knew where there. So I met up with them. And thats when I was told about the 2 hour wait. After about 30 minutes Jarrod and Jesse show up. I suddnely felt better cause the other straight guy was there. (Just a joke, the other guys dont bother me much. If people dont like gay people they should just go screw therselves. )

Jarrod is cocky, he thinks he is gods gift to women. He is very arrogant and actually lost a potential date from just mentioning his name (Very true story). So he went in to try to speed up the time, by flirting with a waitrice whatever he does.

He comes out, "Well I sped up our seating time, we should have a table in about an hour." "Jarrod we have ben standing out here for about an 30 minutes." So we decided that we would not eat there.

We drove 15 mintues to a smaller town called Newburgh. There we went to Fritz Beer HAus. I am not into german food but I was not eating it anyway. Afterwards everyone went to see charlie and the chocolate factory. I and Jarrod left, he had a party to get to an Hour away. He said there were going to be models there. I had to work the next morning so I was going to pass that offer right up. No Model will dte me, or sleep with me, no matter how drunk they got.

I went home and to bed. Went to work Sunday, Mandi calls because her computer monitor kees going off. I try to tell her what may be the problem. She says she cant figure it out, so I offer to come over to fix it.

By the time I get over there, it is not doing it. So I kind of hang around and we eat. Its the first time I am in her bedroom. I cant figure out what is wrong with the computer.So nothing else to talk about in her bedroom, I watch her play a computer game for a bit.

Things I have noticed lately
1. Her hugs are tighter, and more lingering in the embrace.
2. She seems to be taking a more approach of dressing nicer when I come over.
3. She had the rose I got her sitting on her dinning room table in plain view
4. She is not drinking whenI am coming over. (This was a big deal to me, and I never mentioned I did not like that she drank alot, but I think she is understanding that)

Also something that just flew under the radar that I wondered how I should take it. Before we were going to go to the drive in (Before it was rained out)And she was asked by someone if we were going to hook up. She said she did not know. She asked them if they meant to ask if we were going to have sex. We both Laughted it off.

Later I say sometihng jokingly about buying some chewing gum in case we hook up at the drive in. She then says, you might pick up some condoms too.I told her that i already had some of those, and she says so do I. And we laughed.

Well last week I am chatting on the phone and I made a sexual comment about her because we she said something about wearing only a bra and shorts, because it was so hot in her apartment. I said oooooowwwww something to that effect.

She laughed and somehow we got into the conversation of sex. About stuff we have tried, stuff and more stuff. It was actually calm discussion. I was really shoked how we got onto it. Then the condom thing came up again. She mentions that all her condoms were expired.

Now here is the thing I missed. If she had checked her condoms when we had the condom conversation she would have known they were expired. So why is she just now checking and finding out they are expired. Hmm, could she be thinking of something to do with those. Or am I just reading to deeply into something, I just think if you knew you had expired condoms a week before you would not bring up having any at all right.... Oh well catch you later

Monday, July 25, 2005

25. I secretly hope she never has children

Ok this touched a nerve in the ex wifes system. SHe found out about the new car and wanted to know if she needed to take the truck off my hands. (merry xmas hun) I told her she could take care of it. I would give in back.

Then she sends me an email saying that my blog was hateful and that I was wishing her harm in a public forum. I do not see how that makes me seem like I am wishing her harm. The reason I made that statement is for a few reason.

If I were to see her out with her own child in public I would proabably break down. Becuase I would have felt like God hated me. It is the only thing besides her that I ever truly wanted, at whatever cost. (I would have traded my life for her, I would have traded my soul for her to be the mother of my child.) So If I were to see her with a child of her own I think it would destroy me.

My entire family history rides on me. The Wood name dies with me. I am it. There were only 2 boys in this last generation of the family tree. Me and my little cousin who is autistic. I was the last hope of the entire wood family. The thing is I would have traded in my entire family history to be with her even if she could not have children.

I know it is selfish to say something like that, but I cant help if I feel that way. But I am not the one who lied to everyone about me to make it easy on herself. I have the right to be a little selfish, for some one who was dropped like garbage, or street trash. Sorry if I have a little anger and resentment toward her.

I did not act hurt when she told me that "I wished you would have died, because it would have made things easier." I did not take offense to that. Hell but if you asking me, it sure sounds like she was wishing harm on me.

I dont mean to be heartless, but it hurts to know that when you loved someone as much as I loved her, when you loved someone that you trusted even though you felt sometihng was going on behind your back, I gave her the benifit of the doubt. I did not want to know she was lying about me. I knew something was up but did not pry because I thought it would blow over. Well it blew me right off the damn love boat.

So dont worry. You will be happy, you are always going to be happy. You will get what you want. So go have your children, I take it back. It does not matter you left me in a miserable hell were everyday is worse than the day before because my heart blackens everyday, while the tears roll down my face.

You just be fucking happy. And let me rot in knowing that the happiest I will every have been was behind me, and if I knew it was going to end so soon, maybe I could have enjoyed it more. But the fact is I could not even relax in the best days of my life because they were swept out from under me in a moment of anger. I was ignored why you ran away. If you spent have as much time communicating with me about what was wrong instead about lying to everyone about me.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Another theft of EPZ

I was reading EPZ again and I thought I would write down random thoughts about me That no one knows or might not know about me. It looked like a fun activity.

1. I miss my Ex wife
2. I miss my dad
3. I can't swim
4. I am afraid of Fire
5. I dont think I will love will all my heart again
6. I am an award winning writer
7. I miss waking up to someone
8. I dont believe just anyone will do for number 7
9. I am afraid I will never find another "The One"
10. I sleep with a fan on
11. I usually fall asleep watching G4tv
12. I can't watch Big Brother anymore because it reminds me of "Her"
13. I hate my ex wife
14. I love my ex wife
15. I am afraid I dont belong anywhere
16. I believe I have a destiny
17. I believe I will be a leader
18. I enjoy reading and taking hot baths.
19. I am afraid I may have diabetes
20. I hardly ever tell my mom I love her
21. My ex wife is the only person I ever told I love you to on a regular bases
22. She will probably be the only one I ever will tell.
23. I sometimes faked orgasms because my ex wife looked bored
24. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with her
25. I secretly hope she never has children
26. She broke my heart on more than one occassion
27. I hated camping, but I did it becuase she loved it
28. I hate mayonaise
29. I hate anything white and creamy
30. I was a backyard wrestler
31. I dabble in Tarot Cards.
32. I hate being alone
33. I dont think I am attractive
34. I was bullied in high school by a guy 1 1/2 shorter than me
35. I have only been in one fist fight
36. I thought my best friend might have been gay at one time
37. I laugh when my gay friends flirt with me
38. I want to know what its like to kiss someone again
39. XXX Removed XXX
40. I could have slept with a girl after my wife left me, the girl who thought I was kinda cute wanted to.
41. I thought when I started this it would be hard to come up with some many things about me.
42. Sometimes I feel like I wish i were dead.
43. I never seen my divorce coming the way it did, even though I suspected something
44. My ex wife scared me. I thought of her as unapproachable sometimes
45. Yet I knew she loves me
46. I think she still loves me.
47. I hate everyone in my family, for the way they treated my father before he died. Except for my mother
48. I blame my mom for the majority of the reason why I am divorced
49. Some of these things still hurt
50. I got writers block from time to time, but I stopped writing completely when my ex wife quit wanting to read it.

Your comments or wanted elaborations are welcomed.

My Car

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Well guys I got my new vehicle. I hope it is blessed with a long life span because I could be driving it for awhile. I think it looks decent enough for me. I am not needing anything fancy. Well I need to get to my dishes and straighten up the old apartment, because it looks like shit.

Another Song that desrcibes my life

I love when I song describes how I am feeling, how I have felt or how I think someone else is feeling. I dont dont do it to be unorginally, or a copy cat, I just think people need to hear the wisdom in songs sometimes, no mater the type. Lyrics are stories about life, love, hopes and even dreams

I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?


Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Best of You by the Foo Fighters

Well, Momma told me
When I was young
Sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And ff you do this, it'll help you some sunny day

Oh, take your time
Don't live too fast
Troubles will come
And they will pass
You'll find a woman, oh baby
And you'll find love
And don't forget that there is someone up above

And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can

Forget your lust
For rich man's gold
All that you need now
Is in your soul
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand

Oh, don't you worry
You'll find yourself
Follow your heart
And nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you my son, is to be satisfied

And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Be a simple man
Oh, be something you love and understand.

Simple Kind of Man

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Quick Post

Well Guys I have decided to once again post a pic of me, at least here. I did this awhile back but took it down. Now I am utting it back up because I dont even think my ex reads this blog anymore, and I have nothing to hide. So here I am in all my glory.

Tomorrow I will show you pics of my new car. Okay its an old car, but it runs, and its mine. (And I did not even need one as a Xmas Gift ) So loo forward to that.

I think I am in trouble at work. I forgot about a meeting today at work. Totally remembered nothing about it. My boss called pretty pissed off. I will buy him some lunch tomorrow cause I really fucked up. I just hope I dont get fired.

Well here it is.

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I thought about "her" on my way home from work tongiht. I think about her alot. Even when I know I should not. I think I have pinpointed why I miss her so much. I miss my best friend.

I miss the stuff we use to do together. I miss watching movies with her head curled up in my lap. While she stetched out on the couch. I miss her happy booty shake. I miss the sounds of Animal precienct on tv. I miss hearing about her day, and all the drama in it. I miss hearing about her trips to Indy. Im miss her smiles. I miss getting in the SUV and just going somewhere. I miss calling her from work, around 8 oclock to talk to her, just to hear her voice. I miss running my fingers through her hair. I miss how excited she got when sher got a new pair of pajama. But most of all I miss not hearing "I love you" I have not hear that phrase uttered in almost 5 months. I use to tell her that everyday. I miss hearing, saying it and feeling it.

I dont know what I would do if I woke up tomorrow and we were together in the house. I would probably fix her breakfast. Then play all those horrible board games, or video games with her. I just dont know because I would be happy again. I think the oposite of happiness to me is not sadness, its lonleiness.

I still have not heard from Ben about A, He does not work until late tomorrow night so maybe I will drop by then, and see whats up. The more people at Walmart who know I am a nice guy, the better to maybe persuade her. I am still not rocking the point, she may be seeing somebody, or she may not even find me attractive. But hey, its a shot at something right.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Walmart=Tunnel of Love

Well after I got off work today I had to take a trip to Wal Mart because I was going to the birthday party of my best friends son, who just turned 4 today. Well I started to get into line and I stopped. I recognized someone from another line that iwent to high school with. A girl I used to think was sorta cute and sweet.
So I jumped into her line and waited patiently to see her marital status. I noticed no ring. Excellent. I let her ring me out i smiled and left. No need to rck the boat until i get further info from my best friend. Who works at walmart.
Well I just mentioned off hand if there were any single woman at good ole walmart. He asks me "Well what about the girl you been hanging with." I told him as far as I know we are nothing more than friedns. Which is true. No kissing, no sex, no bf/gf stuff, and she is talking to another guy also so no biggie. She shopping around too. So why not me.
Ben does not answer me. We go on with the festivities. Later I mention i recognize people we went to school with. He suddnly asks me if I knew A.'s last name. The girl I was trying to get info about. I said her last name. I was floored because we both had her i mind for me.

She is unmarried, and Single. Ben is going to talk me up to her to see if we can find out if she might be interested in chatting up. I just find it hilarious that we were thinking about the same girl for me.

I know she had a fiance after high school cause I remember seeing her wearing an engagement ring at one time. But she still has the same last name, so I am thinking she is probably divorced to. Also she has a deep cut on her right cheek. Like she may have had a car accident or something, not that I matter but I am curious as to what happened. I still think she is very pretty and maybe if Ben helps me out, she could be the next ms. Wood. I know its a strech but hey who knows, we all get older and more grown up.

Monday, July 18, 2005


I am not sure, but I believe over every Blockbuster Counter there is a huge structure suspended from the rafters that has a monthly list of movies that are coming soon. On each side of these is a place for a poster. On this monstrosity you will find prices for most everything in the store. And Every week it is my Monday job to take down what comes out this week, from the front, and add the new strips to the end of the list.

We call these things CAC strips, for what reason unknown to me. I bring this up for a reason. I would look at these things every week, after my wife had moved out, and think to myself. She will be back by the time, Meet the Fockers comes out. SO it was always a sad day when I would take that movie down and say the next movie she would be back by.

I stopped doing that a month and a half ago. I would take the old strips down, and look at the date on them , and say, She has been gone for this long now. And she is not coming back. Today I took down the strips for July 19th, and today, the 18th she officially moved out 4 months and 4 days ago. Thats when she come home on March 22 packed a bag and left the house to stay in an apartment on site.

While taking down the CAC strips, Fantasia was seeing Free Yourself on blockbuster tv. While I pulled down the strips entitled, Man of the House and Ice Princess. (People I knew hold always talked about how cold she was the way she left, like an Ice Princess, and I was supposed to be the Man of the house)I would not call her an Ice Princess, I know it was not all her fault.

So 4 months and 4 days have passed. I am still jealous. I still think about who she is with, and how she is having a great life. How she is going to have the stuff she is going to want in life. Jealous that someone is holding her like I longed every night to hold her for the rest of my life. Jealous that she moved on and is happier. Because I dont know what it feels like to be happy anymore. Jealous because I have no sunshine in my world anymore.

I hate her for being happy, I hate her for spending her days lying about me instead of using that energy to tell me what she needed. To tell me what she wanted. I hate her because I blame myself. I hate her becuase I was basically worthless to her, and you know thats my fault too. Its my fault because I let her feel like I was not worthy of her. I let her do everything, because I thought she wanted a man with no spine. I thought she wanted to control everything. So i let her walk all over me, I let everything be my fault. Because I would have rather had her walk all over me, instead of step over me on her way out.

Instead, my plans went arry. She basically walked on me, and out the door. Not because she was cold, or heartless, its because I let her. Si I sit her, another day crying over someone who knew I was worthless and moved on with her life and never thinks about me now. Becuase why when you are happy, why look at the times you were miserable. She never has to be miserable again.

So I sit here, and my life moves on around me. I suffer because I dont know any better. I know next week I will but them strips up, and it will be 4 months and 11 days since she left. Which is also very fitting because our divorce was filed on 4/11.

The thing is, when I am with Mandi, I dont think about "her". I enjoy spending time with Mandi, but I just dont know i she is what I want. I sometimes feel like I should break it off, and yet I am afraid that I will not find anything better, and I will be alone. And being alone, is worse than a possible.

I just know Mandi has problems, her family was not the best to her growing up. Her dad has a very serious medical condition. Her Mother is selfish. Mandi herself is on Anti Depressants. Everyone has there own baggage. Me I am afraid I will never stop loving my ex. I feel like I am not ever going to be worthy of anyone. I am afraid to sleep with anyone because I am afraid I will be a terribel lover. Becuase I was bad at it for the last 7 years why should anything improve now.

I got to get off here. I am making myself worse. I will try to have something more upbeat tomorrow.


Saturday, July 16, 2005

The D&D interview

Hi welcome to the exciting game of Interview yuor blogger, and your host tonight in his stunning Izod shirt is EPZ. Before we move on I would like to introduce the rules to the game, which is lifeted from EPZ site, and they were lifted from The Babbling Brooke

Here are the instructions:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "Interview me." "Blow me" or "Eat me" are not acceptable substitutes.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. I'll post the questions in the comments section of this post.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

************************ And we are off

1. Since you're divorced(ing), what's the one thing you've done or plan to do that you couldn't do while married?
Well that is a tough question. I would say that I am seriously looking to travel to Europe next year to visit the guys I play XBOX with, or maybe meet them in another state. But I think I would like to get to see another country besides Canada, my dad got to see all kinds of places when he was in the military, and I would kind of like to see some sites also. I think he would have been proud of me for doing something adventurous.

2. I know you're a huge Xbox fan...if you could create a game based on your life what kind of game would it be and what's the objective?
I think it would be a role playing game and a Sims type of game roled into one. You would start out as me being an akward teenager. Trying to fit in and be normal, while hanging out with the more abnormal. You would gain experence points by doing all the right things I did wrong when I was in school. (ie Actually studying and going to college, asking out girls) We all earn experience points in life even if we are not vanquising creatures in Final Fantasy. Then it would move in to adulthood, where you would play me as a husband, doing the right things like telling the person you love that she was the best thing that ever happened to you. And your goal would be to get to the end in a rocking chair and looking at pictures of your grandkids. I think it would be called Final Fantasy actually cause it is never going to happen that way now.

3. You're life is a movie. What movie is it and why?
Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Becuase I always wanted to be the guy who always got the girl even when the odds were stacked against him. You see in that movie the guy that had been there all the time for her, been her best friend, and protector. She never knew how much he loved her, until he was challengd by the guy who was better at everything, had charisma, and was a movie star and could give her the best of everything. But you cant buy love. Love is something you have to sacrafice for. I would tell her truthfully how many smiles she had. (BTW its 7)

1-One when she is talking to her Niece or Aunt
2-One When she is talking to her Mom or Brother
3- One when she is talking to one of her residents on the phone
4-One when she is sleeping
5-One when she is in a picture
6-One that just melts my heart
7- And one when she is talking to somone she loves.

4. What's the one thing you would stress for anyone getting married?
I always suggest to live together before getting married. Screw what church tells you. I hate to say that but its nice to know ahead of time what to expect from someone you love. That and always tell your wife that they are special because they might not just realize it if you dont tell them.

5. Lose a leg or lose an arm? Which one? Why?
This is one I can answer easily. I would rather loose a leg. I do not do much with my legs as is. If i had a fake leg I could around or even with a wheel chairat worst. If I lost my arm, I would never be ale to play video games again, I would have a harder time writing, even a fake hand you still could not do much.

Well there you go everyone, I hope you enjoy.

And bad news the date to the drive in has been cancelled for tomorrow. It is supposed to come up a storm, so we are going to go to a regular theater.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Not Much to say but I will say it anyway

Well just came back from eating dinner with my Mom and Ben. We had a good dinner at tumbleweed and I am stuffed. Not muc to really say, been kinda busy. My boss is freaking out because we got a bad audit on our store. He is afraid he will loose his job. I think most of our probelms were fired Monday.

Well I was awakened yesterday morning by Mandi. Sh was trying to get me to come over and help her get her computer game running, but I had not showered and I was doing laundry so I couldn't.

She had invited me over to drink with her on Tuesday, but I told her I dont drink and drive. She said I can sleep on the couch. I am not real comfortable with that idea yet. I had to pass, I was tired anyway. Im was planning on going to bed early, I had had a major headache all day because of the audit, and the remains of Hurricane Dennis.

Well low and behold, if my old buddy Jarrod doesnt call. He is bored and driving around and happen to be close to my apartment. So he came over and we chatted for a bit. I finally ran him off at around midnight because I was exhausted.

I am going to go over to Mandi's apartment tonight to watch Constantine, it does not come out til next week but that is one of the god things about working at blockbuster. I get movies a week early. So I am going to watch it. I have been dying to see it since it was in theaters.

Another strange thing also. Ben called me and left a voice mail on my cell phone. When I tried to get it a message on my phone told me my voice mail had been shut down because of repeated failed attemps to enter it. Now I have not been doing this, so who the hell is trying to break into my voice mail. Has this ever happened to anyone before. Could there be another cause, it took me 20 minutesto have it reinstated and a call to customer service.

Well gotta run. Talk at you later

Monday, July 11, 2005

A Sucker is Born Every Minute

Well I am a sucker, you see I always try to do the good thing. And yesterday i tried to do the good thing. Well sometimes it just dows not pay to do the good thing. I got a call while I was working. I was leaving in 15 minutes or so.

This guy tells me his name, and to me it sounded very familiar. He said I sounded familiar. He goes on talking about how we are neighbors and he comes into the video store often.

He says he had the company over his house and while they were not paying attention to the little girl, after the company left she pulled a hot coffee pot down on herself. And they had been at the emergency room all day.

He said he needed to get a perscription for the little girl, but his atm card was giving him trouble. Now i know how gulliable this sounds now. At the time I was trying to get ready to go home and wait on customers at the same time.

So he tells me he needs 51 something for the salve, and his atm card is malfunctioning and he could not get ahold of the Pastor of his church. And all he had on him was 19 something.

I am a good guy, and I had some extra cash that i could have spent on something but instead I offered the guy 30 bucks so he could get his money. He said he was very grateful, and that he would buy me lunch. I told him to not bother, just bring me my cash tomorrow. He said he would that he was a good christian person.

Now remember I thought I knew this guy, the name was familiar. I could not actually wait right there for him because I needed to get home cause I was going over to see Mandi. I left the money in a envelope and told a co worker who it was for and left.

Well guess what, no man showed up with money for me. Not at 11:30 like he said. So I waited all day. No money ever showed up to me. So I hold out hope but, I am thinking I got taken.
I checked the guys name in our computer. Guess what, no one by that name has ever rented at our store. So the familiar name was not familiar at all. Cause I never have heard of him.

So I could have gone out to eat tonight with that $30 instead I am home with a TV dinner, which has the equivelent tempature of the sun at the moment.

I am not sure who I am more mad at. The guy who lied about his poor daughter, or myself for being smarter than this and stil giving a total stranger money out of my pocket.

Well at least on the good side of things. The girl that I was talking about who wrote me, well she wrote me several times today. So i may have a good karma from a bad deal. She seems to be quite the talker, and seems to have a good heart. But at least she wrote me back. Who knows.

I am stil planning on going to the drive in with Mandi on Saturday. She is making Sandwiches and stuff. She really is a sweet lady to. I enjoy talking to her. But i am not sure if she would be ready for anything else, and If I find somebody who is, I hope she understands. She is the one that has but the major barrier up. Maybe a trip to the drive end might loosen her up a bit. I am not trying to sleep with her, I would like to at least kiss her, she hugs tight...

Welll That is my life, in a nutshell at the moment. Oh yea a guy got fired from work today. Well have a nice day

Sunday, July 10, 2005

A Night with A Glimmer of Happiness

I left Mandi's tonight. We watched the movie Cellular and then I went home, cause she had something to do tonight. Its nice having a friend, at least someone to spend a little time with.

Before I left I got a Personals response from another lady who is 26 and seems to be a real sweet heart. She actually kept reply to my replies and I left her my email address. I have to keep my options open. Mandi has told me she is talking to another guy, so i can talk to another girl.

She seems to like movies, alot. She said she is a movie fanatic, and i like pretty girls, so it could be a match made in heaven... or it could be just another of those girls that i get excited about who then mysteriously stop writing me. I am hoping for the best.

Now on to my moment of Zen. I was driving home and stopped at a Shaved Ice Stand. No one knows how much I love those damn things. As I waited in line under the twinkling lights I suddently felt happy.At first i was scared because it was a heart attack. I felt like a kid again. Even though I miss her, I always felt good about myself, like I was not bad looking, I had some confidence, and i was not even wearing Khaki.

Of course it did not stay long, but I felt it. It was there for a moment.

I am still having my Good Days and my bad Weeks. I hope to someday have the good and bad days. Lord only knows if I will ever have my bad days and my good weeks. That seems a little exceptional, but you know what... tonight I felt like an exceptional person. Tomorrow I may feel like a shitty divorcee who misses and loves his ex. But tonight I am exceptional.

I am going to run me a bath, and read a little more "Needful Things"

What the heck is Wrong with khaki anyway.

So I just went out on date number5, 6 or 7 not sure how many now. As we are leaving Texas Roadhouse, she looks at me, and I dont know if it was the margareta talking. Do you only wear Khaki.

I like my khaki, the ex told me I always looked goood in khaki or that one pair of blue jeans. But this Indiana Summer is too hot for Jeans. So I am at a loss what should I wear, should I buy some of those fancy I-pod or Izod or what ever EPZ wears.

Ladies I could use some help hear. I am buying steak and rib dinners and not getting any action. Could it be all the Khaki is clogging her mind. Khaki shirts, khaki shorts. Man I dont know. Please is there a thing as too much khaki, some one please dress me..

Waky Taky Khaki in Indiana

Saturday, July 09, 2005


I wish i could be more like this song. The Lyrics remind me of what i can feeel one day.

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and my scars remind me
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

drunk and im feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
im pissed 'cause you came around
why dont you just go home

'cause you channeled all your pain
and i cant help you fix yourself
you're making me insane
all i can say is

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized

that youre drowning in the water
so i offered you my hand
compassion's in my nature
tonight is our last stand

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

im drunk and im feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
you shouldnt ever come around
why dont you just go home

cause youre drowning in the water
and i tried to grab your hand
i left my heart open
but you didnt understand

you fix yourself!

i cant help you fix yourself
but at least i can say i tried
im sorry but i gotta move on with my own life

i cant help you fix yourself
but at least i can say i tried
im sorry but i gotta move on with my own life

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

I feel like I will always be ready to help her if she gets into trouble. I know I would leave anyone I am with for just another chance with her. Becuase I will never give into the fact that she is never going to tell me I love you Again. I just will not believe that.

I feel like she is going to make the bad decisions that she always makes when she jumps head first into to something and I know she is going to get hurt. And in the end i think that is why I cant move on. Because I made a promise to her and to God, no matter what, I would protect her.

So i cant let go, as muxh as everyone tells me I must, as much as she has told me I must, as much as I know i need to. I can't because its my code of Honor. Even if she never will tell me she loves me again. My heart will never give up. I will wait quietly and possible lonely for her to realize that she still loves me. Because I have seen it in her eys, and at some point she will get tired of running.

Yet I wil go do something with Mandi, but I think the only reason I date her is because she is not in a hurry for anything. Part of me womders if I just took the next step with her, if it would get me over the ex. And I think thats the reason I do not force myself to. Becuase if I move on, she will never be ablw to come back to me, and forever is a long time to miss someone you love

So i again rip at those scars, because I would rather love her forever, than to move on and not ever feel.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Life has officially Kicked my Ass

After 28 years of living I decided I really dont want to anymore. Now dont freak out, I am not commiting suicide or anything drastic. I just siply feel like from this point on, my life is never going to get better.

I feel my life is over, nothing will ever improve. I feel like I can not love again. I feel that my heart has been crushed. I feel like changing the name of this blog to Divorced and not Dealing. Because simply that, I am not dealing.

I still cry everyday when i think about what i had. And nothing I do seems to take that misery away. I have dated, but have yet todevelop anything that resembles a one half of one percent of love. I have started writing again, but no one to read it.

I just simply wish to move on to the next phase, I have learned all I can learn here. God take me away, perferable non-painful. Heart attack in my sleep. Whatever, just take me Lord. Yeah i know its not going to happen... but I just dont know what to do anymore tomake the hurting stop.

All I see are signs telling me what I am doing is not what i am supposed to be doing. I hear the first song she ever sang to me on the Wal-Mart Radio Network while shopping for clothes for my date the nest day. A celine Deon Song, Because you loved me. If I try to not think about her anytime I am driving I will pass a MAzda on the road, first brand new car we ever bought together.

Nothing I do feels right, I eat but it never taste the same. I get bored watching television or playing a video game. All I think about is how to keep my mind off how much I miss the woman I wanted to spend my life with.

I think about the trips we took, I think about the times we really made love. The time we had sex where she worked. The times we shared in the old apartment. When we use to sneak out at night and go swimming in the Apartment pool even though we were not supposed.

I think about our honeymoon in French Lick, IN at the French Lick springs resort. How we made out in the hot tub, basically because we were the only ones staying in a huge hotel that weekend. You never realise how wonderful the world is until your the only ones staying in a hotel with over 400 room, in early January.

I think about all the past false hope of having children, I was buying about 6 pregnancy test a year. All the diffrent position that never worked.

All I know is life hurts, and in the end we are never given what we want. No man ever dies thinking his life was complete, but no man should ever die feeling his life was emppty.

I have no purpose anymore, she was that for me. I felt okay as long as she was there. I knew to protect her from everything. What happens when you loose the only thing you were to protect. I failed and now I amalone, and she has moved on to something better, but what do you do when you dont have anything better.

I just want it all to be over. I want the pain to be over. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want it to all not be reality. I want to be able to wlk into her work, bypass anyone who would stop me and take her in my arms and kiss her passionately. But I cant...

Because Life has kicked my ass, and I throw in the towel. I will live the rest of my life as misery, because the one good thing I had going, I lost.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Great Date

I have to say I had a very exciting date. Okay I enjoyed myself on this date. Me and her had went and seen War of The Worlds, and I loved it. Even though me and her mad fun of how retarded the people in this movie were, It was still a great movie.

Now Mandi and I have been out a few times, and I always talk to her several times a week on the phone. Whats funny is that she hardly talks on the phone, sometimes i think the girl needs to cue cards. However we talked to each other all through the movie. In low quiet voices so not to disturb others, I am not rude.

Something seems a little diffrent about her tonight, after tonight she seems more talkative. We sat outside her car and chatted while she smoke a cigarette. And I even got a hug. I was feeling good.

When I got home she called, and we talked. She had been talking to her grandmother, and she said they were discussing how long you should wait to kiss someone. She said we have been on 3 official dates and we have not kissed. She then said she liked the idea of taking it slow. She said that most of the time she jumped right into things and blam nothing came out of it.

So I was a little disappointed at this. I do not mind taking things slow. But I can tell you I felt a little twinge of something with her today. Not anything that could ever replace what i feel for my ex. But there something there I could latch on to. I wanted to kiss her. I held back because i know what she had said before, about not sure about the romantic stuff with me because I was divorced.

I am glad i did cause i could have ruined everything with her. So i have a question for you guys. What should be my next move. I thought about tomorrow asking her over to watch a dvd. Possibly Hitch cause I just bought me a copy. Or something anyway, on my next date whiether it be tomorrow or next week end. What should I do?

Should I put my arm around her, kiss her hand when she leaves, hug her tighter. Kiss on the cheek. I am truly dating deficent. I am afraid to roll over her stop sign. I like being friends, and we get along good. But I want something more. I want to feel again.

Anyway i hope you guys can come up with some advice for me. But I had fun and she seems more into me then she did before. Well Night all....

Friday, July 01, 2005


When I was still in heaven above
God asked what i wanted most of all

I sat and wonder about riches and glory,
I contemplated on being sympathetic,
To be a great author and write a good story
Anything in the world as long as I was not pathetic

I did not to be a drunk,
Or to chase women for fun
Nor did I want to be a bully or a punk
Or be a thug that carries a gun

As i started to make my decision
a girl yet to be born stole my attention,
I asked God to what was her name
I believe it be Sarah if its all the same

I could have had anything that day,
A world of no work and all play,
I told God with a smile,
I wany her, if only for awhile

God looked down on this unborn child
Stroked my hair very mild
Are you already for such big plans
I dont see a girl who will wash dishes or pans

No I said I want to be loved
She will fit in good with heaven above
Devil or angels it does not matter much,
I will take her as such

You may not hold her forever this you understand
Cause even I can't change the will of woman to man
In the end you may loose it all
If it is love that you want then I will answer your call.

It took him 20 years to bring her to me
I waited for love from sea to sea
Now it has come and gone
But I know I loved her and for that my decesion was not wrong

Have a great day everyone