Thursday, July 07, 2005

Life has officially Kicked my Ass

After 28 years of living I decided I really dont want to anymore. Now dont freak out, I am not commiting suicide or anything drastic. I just siply feel like from this point on, my life is never going to get better.

I feel my life is over, nothing will ever improve. I feel like I can not love again. I feel that my heart has been crushed. I feel like changing the name of this blog to Divorced and not Dealing. Because simply that, I am not dealing.

I still cry everyday when i think about what i had. And nothing I do seems to take that misery away. I have dated, but have yet todevelop anything that resembles a one half of one percent of love. I have started writing again, but no one to read it.

I just simply wish to move on to the next phase, I have learned all I can learn here. God take me away, perferable non-painful. Heart attack in my sleep. Whatever, just take me Lord. Yeah i know its not going to happen... but I just dont know what to do anymore tomake the hurting stop.

All I see are signs telling me what I am doing is not what i am supposed to be doing. I hear the first song she ever sang to me on the Wal-Mart Radio Network while shopping for clothes for my date the nest day. A celine Deon Song, Because you loved me. If I try to not think about her anytime I am driving I will pass a MAzda on the road, first brand new car we ever bought together.

Nothing I do feels right, I eat but it never taste the same. I get bored watching television or playing a video game. All I think about is how to keep my mind off how much I miss the woman I wanted to spend my life with.

I think about the trips we took, I think about the times we really made love. The time we had sex where she worked. The times we shared in the old apartment. When we use to sneak out at night and go swimming in the Apartment pool even though we were not supposed.

I think about our honeymoon in French Lick, IN at the French Lick springs resort. How we made out in the hot tub, basically because we were the only ones staying in a huge hotel that weekend. You never realise how wonderful the world is until your the only ones staying in a hotel with over 400 room, in early January.

I think about all the past false hope of having children, I was buying about 6 pregnancy test a year. All the diffrent position that never worked.

All I know is life hurts, and in the end we are never given what we want. No man ever dies thinking his life was complete, but no man should ever die feeling his life was emppty.

I have no purpose anymore, she was that for me. I felt okay as long as she was there. I knew to protect her from everything. What happens when you loose the only thing you were to protect. I failed and now I amalone, and she has moved on to something better, but what do you do when you dont have anything better.

I just want it all to be over. I want the pain to be over. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want it to all not be reality. I want to be able to wlk into her work, bypass anyone who would stop me and take her in my arms and kiss her passionately. But I cant...

Because Life has kicked my ass, and I throw in the towel. I will live the rest of my life as misery, because the one good thing I had going, I lost.