Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Center of the universe

Okay so everyone knows we that I have been talking to the ex wife, in a friendship kind of way. I still love her more than anyone will truly ever know. I know she knows that also, but it does not change the past. She divorced me and she just isn't going to back down that road again with me.

The problem is that she is dating (I guess not sure what you would call it.) a man ten years older than her with 6 kids, one of which works for her (She even gave her a birthday card that said MOM). He also owns a scrap yards and is a millionaire. She was pissed at him over the weekend, and I honestly do not think she has a spark for him, you can see it in her eyes that she tries to, but it is not there. I think she likes the thought of never having to worry about money, and always being comfortable. Something she would never have from me. (Unless I could write my novels and sell them)

She told me that she does not think he would ever treat her like she was the center of her universe. That he is a work a holic and that he has a lot of baggage. His daughter is a NUISENCE and she spends more time talking to me than him.

She claims i never treated her like the center of my universe. Looking back i see what she means. Everywhere I went when I was by myself, adn would talk about how much I loved my wife. How I thought she was the most beautiful person in the world. That I felt excited everytime I seen her. How her smile lit up my heart, how her eyes caused me to loose my train of thought. I wrote letters to the newspaper editor about how men should treat there ladies. I loved when we would talk until 5 a.m. just to talk. I missed the trips we would take out of the blue. (St. Louis, Nashville, Bloomington, we were planing on going to an Aquirium in Louisvillle, or a Zoo in Indianpolis in the near future before we split up.)

Thats the sad thing, I told so many people how much I loved her. The thing is I never let her know. I would tell her I loved her on the phone but it became habit because I would say it so often. It just lost its charm. I quit visiting her at work because i had to work late, and so i did not feel like driving across town to see her for lunch. I use to visit her for an hour everyday when I was working dayshifts.

I neglected to tell her that she was special to me. I neglected to make the extra effort to do something nice for her. I neglected to tell her she was gorgeous everyday. I always thought she was stunning. Even the fresh out of bed look. I just never said any of these things to her.

Now back to the Center of the Universe. I want her to be treated like the Center of the Universe, I wanted to treat her like the center of the solar system. Let me explain.

- The center of the universe is vast, and empty. Its cold and no one knows where or what is at the center. There are thousands of stars, and it takes millions of years for light to penetrate it.

-Now I want her to know she was the center of the solar sytem for me. Its not as empty. Everything is closer. At the center is warmth, light, life. I live because she gave me the warmth of love. When I was cold, her warmth reached into my soul. When I was alone and afraid of the darkness of my future, she was the light that tried to guide me. I know life exhist in our solar system because I experience it everyday. I wanted her to realize that my heart was there to be her sun.

I wish i could have given her what she needed. I wish I had millions in the bank. But alas i did not, I was born poor, and learned the best social skills I could. I am smart but dumb because I should have went to college but didnt. I regret it now. If I had made something of my life, then maybe I could have made something of hers. All I know is I wish she woul stay away from this guy, cause he wont make her happy.

He told her if things did not work out between them, that it was her loss. He told her that he was married 3 times and he did not love any of them. How do you marry 3 people and never loved any of them.

I married one and I love her, I never stopped loving her. I never will stop loving her. Because once we loose the sun, we are plunged into darkness, and the bitter cold.
To my sunshine...