Friday, June 03, 2005


I am sitting here writing my blog, waiting on my iwfe to call me. She has some news to tell me, and I am not sure what it is exactly. I am not sure if it is her health, if she has found someone, or if she is moving away from town. All I know for sure is that she said she could not take care of the dogs any longer.

We have two dogs, a Minpin and Pug. Buster and Tiki. I have mentioned them before. I love those dogs but I am not 100% I can take them. I have no idea when and where I will be moving to. The divorce will be final on the 13th. I sign the paper work for the lawyer this week. All I can think about right now is that my wife may be sick, or going to get sick.

You know I wished some bad stuff on here to happen to her. I never meant any of it. It all came from anger, resentment, and the fact that I dont believe I will ever love someone like I loved her. I always thought it would be better if I were a widow. I hate myself for that right now. Becuase I feel like Karma is hitting her now, and its all my fault. Becuase I wished it.

She has told me lies beforebut this time i believe she is telling the truth, and I think it has to do with her health. She started to confess things to me. That she had been dating the maintence guy, that they fooled around and that she waited until we were sepreated for it to happen. She told me that she was seeing another guy, but nothing more. I told her what i had been doing. Seeing girls and dating also, but had not fooled around.

She told me she was sorry that she had lied about me to her friends, and she had did it because she had been unhappy for a long time. The thing she has yet to realize is that she is looking for others to make her happy. She has lost the gift to look inside herself to find happiness. We can only help to make another person happy, they have to come the other half on their own.

I have hope that maybe I can save her, I know before she dies she will say it to me again. She will tell me she loves me. I can feel it. But in the end if her health is failing, then if I win her heart back, I will still loose her in the end. But I have to try.

Becuase till Death do us part. Isnt that in the vows we speak. Love,honor, and cherish. In sickness and in health. The only one she forgot was To forsake all others.

I love my wife, and if she is sick I do not want her to go alone. But isn't it true, we all die alone. But whatever she tells me I know where I want to be. I want to be holding her in my arms and wiping the sweat off her brow when she goes.

Life shouldnt be this hard. It just shouldnt, why cant we just find a way to love those that love us. To not be stupid and make mistakes. Why cant we read each others minds and figure out why we are damaging our relationships.

If I could right now I would take he sickness, and take it into my own body and save her. Whatever it is, she should not suffer, and she is suffering. Becuase it broke my heart today when I got into my truck to drive away and she waved at me. She has not waved at me since she left me.

All I could imagine her saying as I pulled away was help me.

The funny thing is the dream i had a week ago foreshadowed some of this. Her confession to me about what she had done, about how she was sorry. How I told her I was sorry. All I need now is to kiss her and make love to her again, and then I will have been a bonafide psychic.

Then Again, if I was a psychic, I would have been able to read her mind and none of this would have happened.