Thursday, June 02, 2005

60 days/ 11 left

The countdown as I set here is at 11 days now. That is when the 60 day mark hits for my divorce. I really need to read up on what the next step is. I really need a lawyer, but she made all the money in the relationship, and all my money is tied up in staying above water.

All I know is that the State of Indiana has to have a file for divorce in existance for 60 days. After that i guess we start dividing up assesst. I dont look forward to that. All Iwant is this old computer, my tvs, my video games and consoles.

A few weeks ago she asked me to bring her guitar to her. I told her I would if she went out to lunch with me. I love to watch her cry when she has these moments of clarity when she realizes what she has done and what she is loosing for nothing. I also miss her company to.

I hate how my life is going right now. I feel trapped by life right now. Everyone sees my hard front. The one that looks strong and solid and just wants all this to be over. No one sees behind the looking glass. The boy who only wanted three things in life. He wanted to be Married to Sarah, raise a child, and be a famous writer. At the rate things are going none of this will be accomplished by the time I am dead. In fact the only thing I accomplished is the married to Sarah part.

I miss the trips we would go on at the spur of the moment. I have seen the zoos in Nashville, and St. Louis because one day she just wanted to go. I miss my dogs, and how happy they made her. I miss seeing the smile on her face when I put them there. I just dont know why this is happening to me.

So she is right, I am not mature, I keep holding on to the boy in me instead of being the man that needs to not care. But the man told her that he would protecting her from anything, but he cant protect her from herself.

So here I sit again, another nigh crying about what is lost, and nothing will come out of this wasted night. Its times like this that I believe that the only use I have in life is to be useless.

But the Man in me is to strong to give in and find the one of the few things my dad left, his pistol. I will never kill myself. I tried that once when I was a teenager. I was going to slit my wrist and the only thing that saved me was at the moment I started to do it. A freind of mine called me and My next door neighbr knocked on the door. They saved my life that day. So I have a destiny.

I just wish my destiny crossed paths with my wife. She will always have my heart, and she is the only one who can give it back. I just what to feel important again, like I matter to something.

Yet all I know is I need to get some sleep. I have 11 days left and i am going to need all the sleep I can fit into these long insomniatic nights.

If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be. If it doesn't the grapes were probably to sour anyway. Wait is that how it goes :)