Thursday, March 30, 2006

A Beautiful Night For a Blog

I sit here in my apartment tonight with the windows wide open, in he perfect quiet of the night. There is nothing going on around here, no drama, no yelling, no screaming.

I am in a good mood right now. I have a smile on my face. As Alien a pressence as that is. Part of me is feeling okay with myself. There are 2 reasons for this, and they start below.

I have been talking to the ex wife. She has been going through an emotional crisis right now. I have tried to be there to support her, most may ask why, but you know what I have my reasons.

I have waited for over a year for validation. That to her I was nothing more than someone she just used to get by. Part of her rejection of me threw me out of balance. Why would anyone want me, if she did not.

She finally admied to me she made mistakes, and that she continues to make them. She told me that I was good to her. I neeeded to hear this things from her. Because rejection is one of those things, if the person leaves you and stays happy then you really were never worth the effort. Now she sees that I was a decent and loving person.

I dont want her to suffer. It is not that I feel good because she is suffering, but because she realizes, ever how slim she feels it, that I was a Good and decent husband. Or at least I tried. And she also learned that as much as she could have done better, she could also do alot worse.

I do still love her, do not get me worng, and as long as I am single, she and i may have a chance down the road, albeit a slim one, but there is that chance. "There will be Water if God Wills it". But right now I get it. Its over, and she is the only one that could change it otherwise.

Part 2 to this happiness resides in a friend that I always share witty banter with over the instant messenger. We were talking yesterday about things, and the bank girl.

She asked me if i was going to ask her out, and I told her I was not sure. The same conversation I have had with Josiah, Lukrativ, Solethoughts, Ben, Wil, the ex wife and the other countless constant readers.

This girl then suprised me out of the blue, she went down a list of things that I had going for me. She even told me I was cute. Okay i dont think she was being serious on that one, but part of me felt it was genuine, and not just being a confidence booster. Then she even told me that my voice is cute, that I got that Southeren twand to it.

I always hated my voice, always thoguht it made me sound less intelligent than I am. It was never deep enough, sometimes I think my voice forgot to go through puberty. But I digress, but some women just like my voice.

A week ago I got a call at work from Florida. A women was calling to get a customer number. At the end of the call, she said, "I just love that accent."

At the time i was very stunned and thought she was making fun of me. I dont take compliments well. So anytime someone makes a comment I usually think they are making fun of me.

So I have qualities that women find attractive, maybe I dont see them all the time. But I even tonight had a women I was joking with give me that head tilt, like she was thinking about me in different way. Because I was cutting up with her about a video game she rented for her daughter. Who knows, but I did catch it.

So how long will these feelings go on. I honestly can not tell you. I would like them to go on forever, I had a little more confidence today than usual. Maybe women can smell that.

I just have to work on it. Everyone is gunning for me to ask out Bank Girl. Even the Ex wife is calling me a coward. That is sad. But I hope everyone has a great night.

PS: If anything is said negativly about the ex wife then i will delete those comments. I did not bring her up for you guys to cut her down.


Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Bank Girl revisited

Okay, so I walked into the bank this morning. And no bank girl. I also did not see very many people I recognize there either. I was disappointed because I just knew she had quit or had moved to a different branch.

I scanned the bank, and nothing, she was nowhere to be seen. I started to walk to the teller, when I looked to the left and seen her coming out of a side room. I locked eyes with her, and she smiled and said, Hello.

I got goosebumps, I replied to her and smiled, she seemed to slow down a bit before she walked on to the teller window. So there was no way she could wait on me, but I felt so damn good all day. I don't know what is in me, because I just melt every time I see her. I have only felt this way about one other women. I can not explain it, but maybe I just did.

But I am going to have to think/do/try something because if it feels this good to just see her smile, what could the rest of "her" be like.

Man, somedays I just feel like Tweek..

Ack that's too Much Pressure

Hey wait a sec, I have actually buttoned a shirt up that way... Damn you Matt and Trey I am suing you for intellectual properties...

Monday, March 27, 2006

Bank Girl

Okay, I am not sure what has happened here, but Bank girl has not worked since Thursday. I have had to go to the bank everyday since then, and have not seen her. So I am wondering if she has quit or moved to another bank.

So if she did leave, then I guess it puts a damper on the entire asking her out. I guess it will also teach me a lesson about waitng forever to ask someone out. So I will have to see whats going on. Maybe ask the other girl at the bank where she is. I just dont want to come off as a stalker.

Anyway back to the xbox


Thursday, March 23, 2006

Coming up For Air

Hiya guys, sorry I have been out of the loop. The new "wife" has been demanding I spend time with her. She is so pretty and smooth. And when I play with her she just glows.

Anyway. I was watching the movie Bruce Almighty, and I came to a revelation. or at least a very good idea of why things like my heartbreak happen, especially if there is a God.

I know there is a God. I have faith. Yet we wonder why bad things happen. Why he lets bad things happen to us. I think I understand things a little more clearly. And it may sound kind of cheesy.

I read in a blog post by Pro-divorce about someone responding they were blessed. Not fine, okay, that they were blessed. And that got me thinking after watching Bruce Almighty.

You have your ordinary guy, all he wanted was to get the anchor job and stop doing the goofy stories. I almost see metaphors for my life. I am ordinary. No doubt about it.

Bruce had a good life. He had a women who loved him, and he never noticed it. He spent his time pining over what he did not have, instead of what he did. He was mad at god because he was not getting what he demanded.

Do we not all do this from time to time. Always feel we dont get what we want. That we never look at our blessings. And i think that is why God took Sarah from me. To humble me.

I had not seen the bessings of a wife that loved me. I was too concerned about where I was in life. I wanted a Child, and I had arguments with od about why I was not given a child. Why was it that the only thing I wanted, he wasted on teenagers, drug adddicts, and men who never want to take responsobility for them.

So God got tired of me bitching. He humbled me. He took away my blessings. he took away Sarah, he took away my truck, he took away my house. He did not do it to punish me. he did it so next time, I had a wife, a truck and a house and wanted more that I would appreciate the love I was given.

If I ever get my life straightened again. If I find the women I am supposed to be with I will not take her for granted."There will be water, if God wills it."

Dont get me wrong I dont think I took Sarah for granted, i think I just took my comfortable life for granted. I would have given anything at any point to have her back. But that is the other gift God gives us... Free Will. We make our decisions and just like Bruce, even with the power of God, we cant force someone to love us. As painful as it is. They still have to make those choices.

Anyway, i have my eyes back on Bank girl again. I was chatting to her today while waiting in her line, and I just realized how pretty I thought she was. I studied her face and the way she smiled. Even one time I even looked her in the eys and she smiled and i think i almost melted.

I even heard her make some comment about "Knocking on Wood" and I held out my arm and told her to go ahead, I am Wood, its my last name. She laughed and said thats cute. She even asked how long I had worked over there. i think next time i will ask her why we dont ever see her come over to our blockbuster, what do you think. To test the waters a bit..

Anyway, I think the "wife" is wanting some sweet loving.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

March 22, 2005

Well it is here, the anniversary of the day Sarah walked out of my life. We all know the story. No need to get back into the what happened and why.

One year, and some days I still suffer. I guess all things considered, I should. You don't love someone as much as I loved her and expect to get over it too quickly. So what emotions have I gone through since she left me.

I bet I prayed to God to bring her back to me 867 times. I bet I cried myself to sleep over 150 times. I bet I called her a bitch at least 100 times. And I bet I said I still loved her 365 more times.

I spent days where I only got out of bed to go to the rest room, because I could not think of any other reason to even want to. I bet I told God I just wanted my life to be over 200 more times. I blogged about my pain close to 200 times.

I missed her I am sure over 300 times, and hated her 63 days. I dreamed about her probably 50 times, and I was there to try to help her pick up the pieces a few times.

I at least wondered if she was okay once a week. And at least once a week I hope she suffered. And I at least scolded myself once a week for feeling that way. I wrote a letter to her parents once, that I planned to send, along with my wedding band. I never sent it. In fact I deleted it.

I hugged her a few times, and prayed that she would be okay. Why it broke my heart to see her that way. Yet it hurt me more to know that it hurts to love someone that much.

I've called her when she would talk to me. I emailed her when I felt like I needed. I even run into her at the grocery store once, and had to walk away before I started to cry.

I watched about 100 movies that I would have never watched, with her. I watched movies that I should have watched with her the first time.

I listened to others advice, though most of the time I ignored it. You can only hear, "the first thing you should have done when the divorce was final, was go get laid."

I've looked myself in the mirror and said, I am not that bad looking, I have looked in the mirror and said, I am the fattest most disgusting thing that has walked this planet.

I have been happy, I have been sad, I have been lonely, and I have been mad.

I even went on a few dates. And I am sure I will go on a few more. Yet somehow I will always compare them to her.

So what is a year, its 365 days of pure...

All I know is that it is a long time when you miss someone the way I missed her.

Monday, March 20, 2006

My Xbox 360

I got my Xbox 360 home Friday. I got it all set up by 1:00. I bought a copy of Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter. I pop on the Xbox, and I get the beautiful Xbox 360 logo. A tear rolled down my face.

I go through and set up my Xbox Live account. Which was a lot easier than most people told me it was. I was online in 5 minutes. I then spent 20 minutes playing with the options in live. I downloaded a demo, watched movie trailers.

I then popped in my game. I was not sure really what to expected. I have played it at Wal mart, best buy and other places. All these places have it on a HDTV. Which of course I do not have. I heard a lot of talk about how if you do not have an HDTV that the games don't look much better than a regular Xbox game.

Whoever started this rumor is in my opinion, full of shit. GR:AW (Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter) looks awesome, beautifully polished. The trees sway in the distant, cars explode in fiery glory.

This is the greatest system I have ever owned, hands down. I never had seen a video game console that offered so much. Xbox live is great. I am sure if it were not Xbox Live, the system would not be as exciting for me.

So I only got one game Friday. Saturday morning I went down to the local game shop, and traded in 7 seasons of Buffy the Vsmpire Slayer, 5 seasons of Angel, and a couple other games. I ended up with $180 worth of credit, put that with the $22 of credit left over from the games I traded in the previous day to get GRAW. Plus $3 from the gift card Ben gave me for Christmas. That was $205 worth of store credit.

With this I purchased, Burnout Revenge, I paid off a pre-order on Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion. I went ahead and bought a wireless Controller, the plug and charge kit for it. And the Head set.

I really wish they would have had the $400 system because I would not have had to buy the Hard Drive for the 360. It is $100 on its own. With the $400 it comes equipped, and you get the wireless controller and the headset. But I had to buy all that stuff separate, but at least I do have 2 controllers.

Now about the wireless controller. I have had a wireless controller in the past. I never cared much for it. Sometimes it would seem responsive, and other times not so much. I was kind of scared about the wireless controllers.

I seen an ad in an Xbox magazine, showing the wireless controller, and the a shadow of a cord attached, and below it says: It only plays like its there.

That is the most true statement I have ever heard spoken. This controller is amazing. I put in Burnout and raced, I did better on this game then I did on the Xbox with a controller that had a cord. I could feel the response time was spot on.

While i was playing GRAW, my buddy Masta Chief (the guy from England, and my best friend on live) came online. He was weeping tears of joy also. He was so excited that I got an Xbox, i told him everything I got. He told me I done well at picking out my games.

But the coolest thing about this conversation, we were playing 2 seperate games at the time. He was playing Burnout on Single Player and i was playing GRAW single player. You can actual talk to your friedns and be doing two totally different things. I could be watching a dvd and him downloading a demo. On the orginal Xbox, you could only talk to your friends that you were gaming with.

And when someone comes online, a nice little display pops up on the bottom of the screen to let you know. And if you want to send a quick hello, all you have to do is hit the Live Button in the middle of the controller. It will take you right to there profile. So you can send them a chat invite.

I am in love with this system.

I spent last night playing a puzzle game called Hexic for like 3 hours. It was a game that came free with the 360 hard drive. It is simple but ver addictive.

Oh and here is my gamer card. It lets people check my Achievements (Achievements are in game rewards. The more of these you get the higher your gamerscore becomes) my gamerscore, my rep and even the last games I played. It is just awesome. This will also be in my top blog post at all time so you can see how well I am doing.

So anyway guys I am going to run. I hope you have a good day.

Friday, March 17, 2006


A walk to Remember

I stayed up why to late last night, watching another damn chic flick. And yes when it was over, I did cry. I can't help it... Its what I do. That and whatever else it is I do.

All I know is I never realized that the book for this movie was written by Nicholas Sparks. I may just have to pick up and read his novels because the man knows how to tell a good love story that ends up in some god awful tragedy.

Hell maybe I can have him write my Biography.

Yes, I cry at chic flicks, so what? I am sure my friends will make fun of me, who cares. I am sure pro divorce or Lukrative will call me a pussy. Whatever. I am who I am. A sensitive caring person.

Its in my nature to be a care giver. I am a compassionate human being. Who has the capacity to love and care for something other than himself. I may be a little selfish every now and then, but I would hope that my good would outweigh my bad.

So I cry at chic flicks, its what I do.

Good night


Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Let me calrify something from the last post. I am not giving up on women. I am just going to quit spending so much time searching. Its pointless. Every women I date I found flaws. They either never speak, they are set in their own ways, or they have some kind of mental issues. Or maybe its the fact that I am looking for the "old Sarah" and no one can fill that void.

But I am starting to wonder what will be easier. Finding a women or an Xbox 360. Man I have been everwhere looking for one since Monday. I have called every place in town. I get the same answer.. sorry we have none in stock..

Looks like Nashville is not going to happen after all... Ben ran out of money. I thought they were going to blame it on my indecision on going. I am broke, and the only reason I have to go is to find an Xbox...

Oh well, talk to you guys later :(

Monday, March 13, 2006

Xbox 360

Well folks. I am excited. Sort of...

My mother has given me the go ahead to buy me an Xbox 360, and I have to pay her back. I am so happy... just one problem...


I mean I searched all day. I went everywhere, called three different states and no one has any. My next first shot to find on is at BEST BUY on Wednesday morning. They have been getting a shipment in every other Wednesday or Thursday. So guess where my ass is going to be Wednesday and Thursday.

The next opportunity is at target on Saturday, but since I am going to Nashville, that will not be good either. I did hear a rumor that Wal MArt gets them in and puts them out late at night or early morning on Tuesday.

Why do I want and Xbox 360 so bad. Because I miss my gaming buddies. I am sick of playing Halo 2 why they play Call of Duty 2 and Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter. I am not a game snob, I just hate halo when there are much more fun games out there on a better upgraded system.

Also me and chief will be able to kick ass in Splinter Cell 4 co-op. We spent hours playing that game together. Sometimes we would be laughing so hard we would be crying.

So I want my Xbox baby. Finally something to look forward to. A reason to enjoy life, I love the 360, I have played several games on it and I am very impressed.

So my life is very boring, I am excited about a videogames system. The only thing I could possibly want after getting an Xbox is a women. But I am afraid that is never going to happen for me. I think its time to give up looking for a women. None of them seem to fill the empty void that Sarah left. So I think I will just bide my time.

Good Night ALl.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Do I have treat for you

Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Peter Griffin: There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
-Family Guy Episode Three

Sigh, We were all depressedwhen we got to the cake shop. You see we were late. Josiah did not tell us early enought that his birthday was on Saturday. So what happened, it seems Peter Griffen bought the only other cake left. So Josiah for his birthday got

An Al Roker Cake with Hershy Kiss Nipples. We knew he was going to be very disappointed. But What could we do, the boy needed a cake for his birthday. So we unveeled the cake to him.

We hoped he would not crawl into a little ball and cry... the reaction we got was almost priceless.

Wow my own Al Roker Cake with hershy kiss Nipples, You guys are the best.

Okay in all honesty, Josiah was asked by Jarrod what he wanted for his birthday, and Joisah told him an Al Roker Cake with Hershy Kiss Nipples. Jarrod spent a few hours looking for a design and could not find one. So Jarrod does what Jarrod always does. Uses his creativity and made the pattern himself. This is a one of a kind cake. And I hope you guys enjoy the humor that went into this.

Jarrod is an awesome Chef. He really needs his own oooking show, and I could be his comic relief.

Have a Good Night Everyone

Saturday, March 11, 2006

What I did Wrong

You guys want to know what i did wrong in my marriage. I will make you a list here.

-I got way to comfortable: I was happy where our lives were at. We had just bought our first house. I loved that house when she was in it. We did have to much debt, but I was looking for a new job at the time.

-I used to write poetry: I told her everyday that i loved her, but it came to a point that i was just saying it, and she thought there was no passion behind it. Because I said it too often. I never brought her flowers anymore. I never left her little "happy notes"

-She never felt Like we Made love: She told me she felt like we always "fucked" She wanted me to be able to kiss her while we made love. I tried so many ways to do this but what can I say, every way was uncomfortable, my gut would get in the way, or being hung like a misqito made it hard to reach in other areas. I did the best I could do, with what i had. I would have changed it if I could have.

-I spent late nights playing video games while she slept. Maybe I should have waited until i knew she was alseep. That way i never missed a waking moment with her.

-I started working late shifts: My job title changed. I was no longer a 9-5er. Not necessarily my fault. But maybe I was too picky when it came to jobs I could have taken, to be home with her. So we lost that closeness we had when I was always home with her.

-I always laughed at her hobbies: Come on did I really have to be cynical everytime she started a new hobby. I used to make fun of her when she would start a new hobby, telling her she would give up on it way to quick.

-Never finding things to do together: I can remember we went and seen the Movie White Noise, because we thought the idea of EVP was neat. We liked alot of supernatural stuff. The movie was terrible, but we wnated to try the stuff for real. I often wonder I had told her to get the recorder and stuff to do this, would we still be together. Would It have been so bad to meet her at the graveyard after I got out of work to see what we could find. Instead I talked her out of it, along with every other thing we did.

-Not having a backbone: Maybe if I had stood up for myslef instead of letting her walk all over me, then she would have had respect for me. I thought of myself as useless, but now I know i was not. I backed down because i loved her.

So I know i made my mistakes. She knows hers. Some of these sound silly, some are serious. But I loved her better than anyone before me or since me. So that is my mistake, for better or worse.

The mistake she used to divorce me, Look at my very first post. All she wanted that day was for me to take her into our bed, rip the clothes off her and make love to her for hours. Instead I was down in the basement playing Xbox online, with people I did not even know. He took all my mistakes before then, to get me to the point where she could not take it anymore.

And i am the one that has paid for it for almost a year. BEcause I wanted to make love to her that day, but I was not really paying attention to the clock on the wall.

Friday, March 10, 2006

I love you... Did you know that?

Tonight after I got home from work. I decided that I wanted to watch "The notebook". I love this movie. It has to be one of the most romantic movies ever made. The only other time I watched it was almost a year ago.

It was the weekend before Sarah left me. We had not been talking much, we did seem to be social, but I was under the impression that I still had something with her, and that this would all blow over.

I will never forget that weekend. It all started on Friday before I went to work. She called asking when I worked this weekend. We had discussed going to see Ring 2. But she wanted to see the movie Hitch. It was playing at a drive in.

She called me from work, asking if my mom would like to go to the drive in with her. Then Saturday we would go see Ring 2 together. I will never forget how happy that had made me.

I knew we had not been getting along, but to me this was the first step to getting back to normal. She wanted to spend time with me this weekend. I knew I had to work that Saturday night, but she was going to the Josh Gracin Concert anyway.

Well when i got to work, she called me and told me that she was not going to the drive in after all. She said her friend Tiffany's son wanted her to go to the movies with them. (This was a lie. Later I found out she went on her first date with the Weasal that night.)

I did not think much of it. The next morning we watched some movies, the last of which was the Notebook. I was trying to get her to see that I was a good man. That i have a big heart, and that I loved her. I was sorry for what had happened, and I wanted my wife back.

After the movie, she had to go get ready for her concert. She asked me to come up with her. She was looking gorgeous that night. And I felt so good because she asked me to come up there to keep her company. I tought by the end of the weekend, she would tell me she loved me again.

It never happens the way you want it to does it. For all the hoping and wishing, it never does. I walked her out to the car, and told her how gorgeous she looked. She smiled and told me thank you. I think I even started to cry.

The next morning we were going to go to the movies. Well my mom dicided that she did not want to go. And for some reason Sarah acted like she did not want to go. Sarah layed back down in bed.

She threw a stuffed ball at me, and was acting playful. She laughed when it hit me. And she hid under the covers.I lay down i bed beside her, and stare at the celing. I muttered to her that i wanted my wife back.

She then changes her attitude, this love may try to come back attitude. Suddenly she tells me, well you cant have your wife back. The phone rings a few minutes later, its her friend Tiff. She tells her that she is going to go after all.

I ask her where she is going, and she tells me that she is going to go to the movies. I tell her that she can't go. We were supposed to go together. I try to block her from getting into the bathroom to try to take a shower.

I eventually tell her to go. After she cries and tells me that I am being controlling and posessive. We both go back to work on Monday.

I call her from work on her cell phone, because she had not called me yet. I ask her where she is, she tells me looking for an apartment. I beg her not to go. She tells me that she has to. She no longer loves me, that she feels trapped in an unhealthy marriage and she is not happy.

She said we would talk about it when she gets home. She is not home when I get home from work at 12:30 am. I call her cell phone several times. She never answers. I am freaking out, I am bawling and crying wondering if she is dead, or if she is not ever coming home at all.

She finally calls at 2 am. She tells me that we will talk when she gets home. I ask why she did not answer the cell phone, she says she never heard it ring it wa in the other room. She said she had been over to Tiffs.

I am furious at her when she gets home, and i do not speak another word to her. She asks me three times if I am going to talk to her, then she gives up and goes to sleep.

I hear her get up in the morning, I continue to act asleep. I hear her tell Tiff, "Nope you were not dreaming, I really did call and tell you that in the middle of the night last night." So there it was, I knew she had lied to me. She was with The Weasal that night also.

And that lead up to me finding out everything from Tiff that afternoon. When I came to see her at work, to try to figure out what was going on, to try to do anything to get her back. You guys all know how that went down.

This all started because I watched a movie tonight. Yes it hurt to remember this stuff. Yes I know it was never going to change anything. But if you ever watch the notebook again understand what it is saying. I understood it.

-You are good enough for the person you love... I wish I learned that back then, instead of thinking I was never good enough for her
- Love hurts, and sometimes it takes a break...
- People make decisions that change there entire life, for good or bad.
-And sometimes you never forget your first love.

The title of this post is a quote from the movie. Yet I really like it. But also I need to quote another part of the movie..

It wasn't over for me...

If you had ever stopped running from me long enough thigs might have been different. If I had tried harder, done things differently. Hell maybe if I wrote you a letter everyday for a year. I still loved you and missed you everyday.Even after I found out about Weasal.

I loved you Sarah... But you already knew that. Even though you thought I had gotten comfortable. You knew I loved you. Just like I know you loved me at one time.

Sorry for the sappy post. I just had to say all that to get it all out of my system.

I also official asked out a girl for Saturday. In an email, but she asked me out first. So we will see if she is interested.

Goodnight all.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The Cat and the Fat Bastard

Okay for something that is not tinged with utterly miserable moments of depression... Yeah I know something different.

I am asked to tell this story a lot when I am on Xbox live, this one and the shit-baby story. Both of which have to be the two funniest stories I have ever heard. I am not going to tell the shit baby story, I do not think it would be done justice here. Maybe I can do it as a audio post.

We used to have a guy that was in our role playing group. He was a big guy, I bet he was 6'6" and had to weight 400-450. He was one of those guys who knew he was fat, and always joked around about things. Especially his weight.

He was over at his best friends house. He is just sitting on the couch. His friend was doing whatever your friends do when you are at there house and they are not in the same room with you. (i.e. Bathroom, Showering, masturbating... Well at least you hope they are not doing any of those things while they are in the same room with you)

Well is friend had a cat. A little bitty kitten. It seen someone sitting on the couch and decide to have a visit to the nice man on the couch. James pet the cat a few times, and the cat purred.

Now James was never the most Sane member we hung around. Most thought he was weird, but then again, none of my friends were normal. Well maybe Wil. No nevermind... anyway.

James starts looking at this cat. More importantly this cat's head. The kitten unknowling purrerd, not realizing what was going through James' Mind. The cat was jut enjoying some attention.

What was going through James' mind you find yourself asking. Well after much study of this cat's head, James came to the conclusion that he could fit the cat's entire head inside his mouth.

It should have stopped there. Do you really have any reason to prove the theory. So he lifted little kitten head up. Who was still set to purr. Opened his mouth as wide as he could. The kitten head easily slid into his mouth. Success.

The kitten however was not amused. As he held it in his hands, it began to flail around trying to escape from its prison.

About that time the front door to the house opened. His friends parents had just come home. The father comes in to see a flailing cat hanging out of a 400 pound man's mouth. He yelled to his wife.

"That Fat bastard is trying to eat our cat."

I hope you gt a smile out of that.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

My Wednesday

I work a lot of second shift hours, so when i get home at night it is around 11:30. I am wound up by the time I get home, so i am not able to go to sleep. Most of the time i can turn on the tv, lay down and think about my Novel and then eventually sldie into slumber land.

Not Last night. I was tired because I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep the night before. I thought I will put this movie in, "The History of Violence". I figured somewhere in the middle I would get tired and shut it off.

Well i finished that movie, still wide awake. So i got out of bed, came to the computer and decided I was inspired to write my novel. I do not need to hear you guys bitch about my grammar and spelling, for the Novel i actual care about those thigs. For this blog, who gives a shit.

I actually felt the words flow from me. I wrote 5 pages before I knew it. It felt good to write like that. If I could keep it going like that every night then I would have a full novel in Six months.

After that i was feeling tired, so i popped in the other movie i brought home. How to Loose your lover. It was kind of bland. I was tired by the time it was over. So now it is about 4 am. I roll over and go right to sleep.

At 8:30, my cell phone is going off. Its josiah. He is just calling to chitchat. He read about my codependecy breakthru and wanted to let me know that he knew I was suffering from it for awhile but did not want to say anything because it was rude.

We did not talk about it much. I spent about half an hour on the phone with him. After getting off the phone with him I figured it would be easy to get to sleep. After laying in bed for 20 minutes, starring at the celing, I knew I would not be able to go to sleep.

Plus i have a nasty cough, which was keeping me from sleeping. I get up, do my normal things around the house. Fix something to eat, mess around on the computer. Ben had talked about going somewhere, and I told him I might go. But I was feeling worse this morning.

Well about an hour later he shows up at the apartment. So we decide to go do some things. Go here there and yonder. I get home sometime after 4. I was doing something else online, and knew that I needed to take a nap when jarrod called.

I talked to him for a few minutes, he wanted to go "do something". I have no money to do anything, and my apartment is a pig stye and i need to get to cleaning it, but I have just felt like shit for weeks now. I will have to get it done Saturday morning. I cant stand it anymore.

I call my mother, to see how she is doing. I decide to lay down in bed and watch a dvd. I choose BASKETBALLS, and I am about 20 minutes in when Matt and Jeff call. Wanting to go eat.

I have no money, they insist I go with them anyway. The know I never have money, but they like my comapny anyway. So I do go over to meet them. After we eat we go to Target, I seen several Dvds I wanted to put on my Target card, but I decide it was not worth it.

I then go back over to there house to hang out for a little while. I watch Jeff make an Origami Godzilla, so Matt can wine a contest at his job. So now I am worn out. I feel better, but just tired. So i am getting ready to lay down and try to finish Basketballs.

I have not heard anything from the girl who asked me out. I know she has a new job and she is buy. Hopefully I hear from her soon.

I did learn one thing from the movie How to Loose your Lover. They mention that the person that you are dating usually does not show you their true nature until after the three month mark. From experiences that I keep hearing that sounds about right.

Well guys I am going to lay down. Please do not call me at 8:00 in the morning unless you are stranded somewhere, or if you are being attacked by some idiot and need rescuing. I am tired. I want to sleep dammit.


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Hi My Name is Robert, And I have Codependencey Issue


The first time I heard this phrase from Tree Hugging Hippie. I was not sure what it was. I thought it was not being able to live on your own. Being alone. She tried to explain it to me. She then told me to look up some info on it after I got home... that was 2 weeks ago.

I finally did today.

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

This was all taken from a website. Alot of this sounds like me from my marriage. Then It had Characteristics of a codependent person.

# An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
# A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
# A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
# A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
# An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
# An extreme need for approval and recognition.
# A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
# A compelling need to control others.
# Lack of trust in self and/or others.
# Fear of being abandoned or alone.
# Difficulty identifying feelings.
# Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
# Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
# Chronic anger.
# Lying/dishonesty.
# Poor communications
# Difficulty making decisions

Wow how many of those did/do i have. Some of those were very prevalant in my marriage. Then this is what bothered me the most. Questions to identify a Co-dependent person.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

It said afterward if you have identified with "several" of these symptoms, and are unhappy with yourself.. then you "need" to seek professional help. Does 16 count as several. I agree with 16 of these fucking things.

I never knew about this, Pro-divorce is right, and if I could afford it maybe I would get thearpy.

Some of these I never thought it would not be considered weird. Number 12, do not like to take compliments or gifts. Lukrativ is all the time telling me if I need to borrow money just ask, or if my friends offer to pay for my meal because I never have money. It always bothers me. Why, because I am supposed to be the one who takes care of everyone else.

And its for reason that I caused the disillusion of my marriage. It was all my fault. And because I feel it is my fault I have had a hard time moving on. I have had a hard time having fun.

So where do I go from here. I hear there is a Codepedency anon to help people get over these problems
Thinking about seeking that out. It may be the first step on my way to being happy again, if that is even possible.

"#%&*" I am sick Again

I am feeling worse and not better today. I think it was the little walk I took yesterday. It was chilly, and I was still sick. Usually does not make for a good combination. Ben asked why I was getting sick all the time. I tink heartbreak keeps you from gettting better. Its like the body refuses to live. Reminds me of the south Park episode where Kyle gives up on life because Cartman is getting everything he wants, so he has a hemmeroid that almost kills him.

Ahem, again that last statement about a pain in the ass slowly killing me, is not directed at Sarah

I thought at first that I was getting better, and last night Ray-o-Sunshine said that I was starting to sound worse. Well this morning my head seems even more clogged up. I am tired, and I tried to lay down again. Nope. Nothing. Cant sleep.

I found out from Sarah, that Buster has to go to the vet tonight. It seems he is having more and more trouble with his hips. She said he will just start crying for no reason, and if you try to touch him he bites you. Poor little Buster. He is only 6, he was the only thing my wife wanted when we got back from the honeymoon. I hope he will be okay. I dont what would happen to her if something happened to him.

I got asked out on a date. This was a girl I dated awhile back. Okay we went on one date, but she thought I was kind of cute. I think the reason it did not work out before was several reasons. Number 1 being, that I was not even divorced yet. I knew that this relationship would have been more serious, and I was still under the disillision that Sarah still loved me and could not admit it to herself. She was going to be back.

There was sexual tension there. I just knew that if I were to get mixed up in a relationship, and Sarah "came to her senses", then I would have to hurt some ones feeling. Another reason is that she lives in OWensboro, and it is a very long drive to there. Like 45 minutes or so.

I told her we would go out soon. But right now I am getting sick, and besides I am very broke at the moment.

Lukrativ asked if I wanted to go to Indy with him when he went up to see Phil (Not "Replacemnt Rob" Phil). I declined. He told me I would have fun, and i explained his type of fun and my type of fun are 2 different things. He seems to think that i never have any fun. Its not true. I have all kinds of fun on the weekends. It just never really has to do with Strip Clubs and Booze.

My friends have noticed a change over me in the last couple of weeks. They said I seem happier. "Replacement Rob" (Phil), even said that to me last week. I do not necessarily feel happier, but maybe I have just gotten better at hiding my misery.Its a good thing heart break can't kill you on its own.

Another funny story to tell about this weekend. This one involves Me and Phil. The reason they call Phil "replacement Rob" is because me and him are alot a like in many aspects. He is divorced, and he also has been known to do stupid things also. (But not swallow coke tabs, thats all me.)

JArrod is sitting between us on the couch Sunday Night. Phil is holding one of those lighters, the kind you use to light a grill or a burner on a stove, or I guess even a candle.

Phil is just watching the flame, he keeps lighting it and turning off... Like a little kid playing with fire. Jarrod suddenly has concerns of Phil burning down Matt and Jeff's house. So he takes it way from Phil. And tried to hand it it me. he then relaizes he is just handing it to another person who is just as liable to burn down the place.

"Gosh Dammit, Someone take this thing before these two burn down the house." No one trusts me with anthing anymore. I mean you suck pepper up your nose twice in one day, all because you are trying to show them how you manage to do it the first time. And suddenyl there are seating arrangements made for you by the time you get to the restaraunt, with the salt, pepper, and sugar packets at the other end of the table.

Oh well.

If you would like to hear all the crazy stuff that goes on from another point of view. Then You should visit my new blog, where I am trying to make everyone we hang out with on the weekend a team memeber.

It is called

We will see if they actually all join.


Monday, March 06, 2006


Well I earned a new nickname last night at Matt and Jeff's house. My new nickname is.. Tab. Let me explain.

Last night I am drinking a Sunkist cherry Limeaid, (YUM). For some reason, i do not like drinking a soda and having the tab that you use to open the drink touch my nose. I am not sure why I have this fear, but I think its called Alluminuimnose-phobia. So i do what everyone does to keep this from happening. I broke it off and dropped it into the soda.

This is all fine and good. Until you foget and take a big gulp. And you realize at the last possible second that UHoh, as you feel it slide down your throat. I could have kept this little fact to myself. To save myself the embarrasment.


I suddenly tell everyone in the room, "I just swollowed my drink Tab" There was a look of horror on every face. Matt looked like he needed to call an ambulance. Jesse looked over and asked, "Are you okay?"

I explained to both of them not to worry. This is not the first time this had happened, I am alright. They looked at me as if I had bugs crawling out of my ears. So by the end of the night we had a new nickname. Tab. "Replacement Rob"(Phil) came up with that.

Other than that, not much going on. I do believe that bank girl is out. I think she is younger now then I thought. Looks like she is in college, and after my divorce, i do not do college girls. If you get them in a serious relationship to early, they tend to get bored later in life if they do not get all the running out of themselves.

I am not ditching the idea yet but I need to feel around a little more.

anyway guys, gotta run.


Saturday, March 04, 2006

A year ago today

A year ago today is the day i made the mistake that Sarah used to divorce me. Today is the anniversary of me not hearing her come home because I was in the basement. This is the Anniversary to the worst weekend in my life that I could not change.

Friday, March 03, 2006


Been a very interesting week. Okay so not really. I think I am getting better. My nose has pened up a little bit, I can smel food and even taste some of it now. Unfortantely I also have a fever blister on the left corner of my mouth. Some one is going to think I got Herpes or something. Geez.

Another funny thing about my body, when I get sick, Iswear my beard grows faster, okay the fuzz on my face, it is supposed to resemble a beard. You would think I could grow a beard. My dad looked like Captain Lou Albano, hell my grandmother on my mom's side could grow a beard. It took me a month for a goatee to grow out that did not look like peach fuzz.

I went to my mom's apartment on Wednesday, spent the day doing laundry and hanging with Ben and his son Scott. Ben's son is 4 and hilarious. He has an unhealty facination with snow men. I mean I love video games, I love to read, I love to blog. But this boy loves snow men.

Ben said that one morning his son was bugging him about wanting a picture of a snow man. So ben drew him one on the back of a coupon. He did not think much more about it until his son got out of school. His teacher came up, she said all day he would not let go of the snowman picture. She said that they had to write something, and instead of putting the snowman down he just switched hands with it.

He carries around plastic snow men, he makes people make him snow men out of play doh. My mom bought him a dog toy the other day because it was a snow man and he wanted it more than anything else in Wal mart.

After I left my mom's apartment that night (After watching Lost) I had a sense of dread. I felt like I was not going to make it home alive. Like my number was up, and i was not afraid. I just felt like my time was up. The good Lord just called B11 and I was yelling bingo.

I drove more careful, slower, smarter. I took the same route home i always took. It was just the weirdest thing. I had the windows rolled down on my car, it was beautiful here Wednesday night. It got up to 72, and it was only like 68 when I left.

I made it home. Nothing was out of the ordinary, everything just seemed to be quiet. It felt so odd. I never felt so alnoe in my life. Then i heard the squeeky bed of the neighbors. Then I knew how alone I truly was.

I went to work last night, I worked with Ray-o-Sunshine. She was sitting there talking to me about everything, she is truly a talker. We started talking about my eating habits. She told me I could not eat 7 doughnuts for breakfast. I reminded her again that I am a fat boy.

She then asked me if was still eating the grilled chicken i bought last week. I told her I was. She then started telling me about what else I could do to eat. I laughed at her. She then told me she wanted to give me some recipes and a shopping list.

I had to aske her how old she was again. I had to remined her I was 28 years old and I knew how to go shopping. She just laughed at me and tried to explain that I needed to eat more healthy. The sad thing is, she is so right. Damn the youth of America and there healthiness.

We then got on a discusion about her friend who goes to high school with her. About how everyone think that this girl is smart because all she does is copy other peoples home work. I told her that maybe she is going to have a rich husband to pay everything. She doubts it because the girl has not had a boyfriend since 8th grade.

I laughed. R-o-S boyfriend said it was because she is red headed and guys dont like red heads at there school.

WHAT.. People dont like red heads, ack.. I love red heads, What is wrong with guys if they do not like red heads. I had to explain about my love for red heads. Which ended up in a funny question. Did I think her friend was cute?

"I thin i am a little old for your friend." I was not going down that road. It only takes once for you to say you see an 18 year old high schooler you think is cute, and your friends are calling you Pedophile Pete or Jarrod on the weekends. Oops, we are not supposed to say things like that about Jarrod any more, strike that from the record books.

Although in a way it is ironic that I tell her I am way to old for her friend, considering that my dad was 10 years older than my mom. But I know there is no way I could ever date an 18 year old for the simple fact i was not even cool and hip when I was 18, much less now, I am closer to wearing golf shorts and sandals to every being hip. I guess you could say I am closer to breaking one than to being one.

Well thats my long Friday post, enjoy. I am sure I will have more to say soon. Everyone take care.


Thursday, March 02, 2006

Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit.

As of the previous post, my blog has a word count of 97,401 give or take a thousand or so.

Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit.

As of the previous post, y blog has a word count of 97,401 give or take a thousand or so.