Thursday, March 30, 2006

A Beautiful Night For a Blog

I sit here in my apartment tonight with the windows wide open, in he perfect quiet of the night. There is nothing going on around here, no drama, no yelling, no screaming.

I am in a good mood right now. I have a smile on my face. As Alien a pressence as that is. Part of me is feeling okay with myself. There are 2 reasons for this, and they start below.

I have been talking to the ex wife. She has been going through an emotional crisis right now. I have tried to be there to support her, most may ask why, but you know what I have my reasons.

I have waited for over a year for validation. That to her I was nothing more than someone she just used to get by. Part of her rejection of me threw me out of balance. Why would anyone want me, if she did not.

She finally admied to me she made mistakes, and that she continues to make them. She told me that I was good to her. I neeeded to hear this things from her. Because rejection is one of those things, if the person leaves you and stays happy then you really were never worth the effort. Now she sees that I was a decent and loving person.

I dont want her to suffer. It is not that I feel good because she is suffering, but because she realizes, ever how slim she feels it, that I was a Good and decent husband. Or at least I tried. And she also learned that as much as she could have done better, she could also do alot worse.

I do still love her, do not get me worng, and as long as I am single, she and i may have a chance down the road, albeit a slim one, but there is that chance. "There will be Water if God Wills it". But right now I get it. Its over, and she is the only one that could change it otherwise.

Part 2 to this happiness resides in a friend that I always share witty banter with over the instant messenger. We were talking yesterday about things, and the bank girl.

She asked me if i was going to ask her out, and I told her I was not sure. The same conversation I have had with Josiah, Lukrativ, Solethoughts, Ben, Wil, the ex wife and the other countless constant readers.

This girl then suprised me out of the blue, she went down a list of things that I had going for me. She even told me I was cute. Okay i dont think she was being serious on that one, but part of me felt it was genuine, and not just being a confidence booster. Then she even told me that my voice is cute, that I got that Southeren twand to it.

I always hated my voice, always thoguht it made me sound less intelligent than I am. It was never deep enough, sometimes I think my voice forgot to go through puberty. But I digress, but some women just like my voice.

A week ago I got a call at work from Florida. A women was calling to get a customer number. At the end of the call, she said, "I just love that accent."

At the time i was very stunned and thought she was making fun of me. I dont take compliments well. So anytime someone makes a comment I usually think they are making fun of me.

So I have qualities that women find attractive, maybe I dont see them all the time. But I even tonight had a women I was joking with give me that head tilt, like she was thinking about me in different way. Because I was cutting up with her about a video game she rented for her daughter. Who knows, but I did catch it.

So how long will these feelings go on. I honestly can not tell you. I would like them to go on forever, I had a little more confidence today than usual. Maybe women can smell that.

I just have to work on it. Everyone is gunning for me to ask out Bank Girl. Even the Ex wife is calling me a coward. That is sad. But I hope everyone has a great night.

PS: If anything is said negativly about the ex wife then i will delete those comments. I did not bring her up for you guys to cut her down.