Wednesday, March 22, 2006

March 22, 2005

Well it is here, the anniversary of the day Sarah walked out of my life. We all know the story. No need to get back into the what happened and why.

One year, and some days I still suffer. I guess all things considered, I should. You don't love someone as much as I loved her and expect to get over it too quickly. So what emotions have I gone through since she left me.

I bet I prayed to God to bring her back to me 867 times. I bet I cried myself to sleep over 150 times. I bet I called her a bitch at least 100 times. And I bet I said I still loved her 365 more times.

I spent days where I only got out of bed to go to the rest room, because I could not think of any other reason to even want to. I bet I told God I just wanted my life to be over 200 more times. I blogged about my pain close to 200 times.

I missed her I am sure over 300 times, and hated her 63 days. I dreamed about her probably 50 times, and I was there to try to help her pick up the pieces a few times.

I at least wondered if she was okay once a week. And at least once a week I hope she suffered. And I at least scolded myself once a week for feeling that way. I wrote a letter to her parents once, that I planned to send, along with my wedding band. I never sent it. In fact I deleted it.

I hugged her a few times, and prayed that she would be okay. Why it broke my heart to see her that way. Yet it hurt me more to know that it hurts to love someone that much.

I've called her when she would talk to me. I emailed her when I felt like I needed. I even run into her at the grocery store once, and had to walk away before I started to cry.

I watched about 100 movies that I would have never watched, with her. I watched movies that I should have watched with her the first time.

I listened to others advice, though most of the time I ignored it. You can only hear, "the first thing you should have done when the divorce was final, was go get laid."

I've looked myself in the mirror and said, I am not that bad looking, I have looked in the mirror and said, I am the fattest most disgusting thing that has walked this planet.

I have been happy, I have been sad, I have been lonely, and I have been mad.

I even went on a few dates. And I am sure I will go on a few more. Yet somehow I will always compare them to her.

So what is a year, its 365 days of pure...

All I know is that it is a long time when you miss someone the way I missed her.