Saturday, March 11, 2006

What I did Wrong

You guys want to know what i did wrong in my marriage. I will make you a list here.

-I got way to comfortable: I was happy where our lives were at. We had just bought our first house. I loved that house when she was in it. We did have to much debt, but I was looking for a new job at the time.

-I used to write poetry: I told her everyday that i loved her, but it came to a point that i was just saying it, and she thought there was no passion behind it. Because I said it too often. I never brought her flowers anymore. I never left her little "happy notes"

-She never felt Like we Made love: She told me she felt like we always "fucked" She wanted me to be able to kiss her while we made love. I tried so many ways to do this but what can I say, every way was uncomfortable, my gut would get in the way, or being hung like a misqito made it hard to reach in other areas. I did the best I could do, with what i had. I would have changed it if I could have.

-I spent late nights playing video games while she slept. Maybe I should have waited until i knew she was alseep. That way i never missed a waking moment with her.

-I started working late shifts: My job title changed. I was no longer a 9-5er. Not necessarily my fault. But maybe I was too picky when it came to jobs I could have taken, to be home with her. So we lost that closeness we had when I was always home with her.

-I always laughed at her hobbies: Come on did I really have to be cynical everytime she started a new hobby. I used to make fun of her when she would start a new hobby, telling her she would give up on it way to quick.

-Never finding things to do together: I can remember we went and seen the Movie White Noise, because we thought the idea of EVP was neat. We liked alot of supernatural stuff. The movie was terrible, but we wnated to try the stuff for real. I often wonder I had told her to get the recorder and stuff to do this, would we still be together. Would It have been so bad to meet her at the graveyard after I got out of work to see what we could find. Instead I talked her out of it, along with every other thing we did.

-Not having a backbone: Maybe if I had stood up for myslef instead of letting her walk all over me, then she would have had respect for me. I thought of myself as useless, but now I know i was not. I backed down because i loved her.

So I know i made my mistakes. She knows hers. Some of these sound silly, some are serious. But I loved her better than anyone before me or since me. So that is my mistake, for better or worse.

The mistake she used to divorce me, Look at my very first post. All she wanted that day was for me to take her into our bed, rip the clothes off her and make love to her for hours. Instead I was down in the basement playing Xbox online, with people I did not even know. He took all my mistakes before then, to get me to the point where she could not take it anymore.

And i am the one that has paid for it for almost a year. BEcause I wanted to make love to her that day, but I was not really paying attention to the clock on the wall.