Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Hi My Name is Robert, And I have Codependencey Issue


The first time I heard this phrase from Tree Hugging Hippie. I was not sure what it was. I thought it was not being able to live on your own. Being alone. She tried to explain it to me. She then told me to look up some info on it after I got home... that was 2 weeks ago.

I finally did today.

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

This was all taken from a website. Alot of this sounds like me from my marriage. Then It had Characteristics of a codependent person.

# An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
# A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
# A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
# A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
# An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
# An extreme need for approval and recognition.
# A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
# A compelling need to control others.
# Lack of trust in self and/or others.
# Fear of being abandoned or alone.
# Difficulty identifying feelings.
# Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
# Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
# Chronic anger.
# Lying/dishonesty.
# Poor communications
# Difficulty making decisions

Wow how many of those did/do i have. Some of those were very prevalant in my marriage. Then this is what bothered me the most. Questions to identify a Co-dependent person.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

It said afterward if you have identified with "several" of these symptoms, and are unhappy with yourself.. then you "need" to seek professional help. Does 16 count as several. I agree with 16 of these fucking things.

I never knew about this, Pro-divorce is right, and if I could afford it maybe I would get thearpy.

Some of these I never thought it would not be considered weird. Number 12, do not like to take compliments or gifts. Lukrativ is all the time telling me if I need to borrow money just ask, or if my friends offer to pay for my meal because I never have money. It always bothers me. Why, because I am supposed to be the one who takes care of everyone else.

And its for reason that I caused the disillusion of my marriage. It was all my fault. And because I feel it is my fault I have had a hard time moving on. I have had a hard time having fun.

So where do I go from here. I hear there is a Codepedency anon to help people get over these problems
Thinking about seeking that out. It may be the first step on my way to being happy again, if that is even possible.