Friday, June 03, 2005

Old Memories

I have avoided looking at pictures of my wife. Tonight I did that. What I see in those pictures is not the same girl who is divorcing me. This girl is smiling and not bitter. I miss that wife. She had long flowing hair, that reached to the middle of her back. Now she has short, "sassy" hair that doesnt even reach her shoulders.

She had gotten her hair cut the night before we had the fight that lead to her reason for divorce. I think she was planning to fight with me that weekend anyway. She had been lying to people about me before this point anyway. I think she was hoping to make herself more sexy and the hair was the last step before the end.

-Loose some Weight... Check

-Get my nails done... Check

-Get my hair cut short and sexy... Check

-Dump my Husband for ultimate happiness... Check


I just want to see karma really take a bite out of her ass. I want her to feel for once how what she had done to me makes me feel. I want her to drive past my house/apartment whatever, and wonder who is with me. I want her to know what it feels like to have to sleep in a bed that you made love in several times a week with the person you wanted to make love to several times a week for the rest of your life, and no that she aint coming back. I want her to have to live in a house that was supposed to be our hopes and dreams, where she told me we would raise our kids. I want her to live here everyday and suffer.

I want her to feel like the only person in the world that loved her doesn't care about her. I want her to feel miserable. I want every bad thing in the world that she deserves to happen to her happen.

I want all this to happen so I can watch, and cry. Becuase even if it happened it still not going to change anything, it still will hurt me because I love her more than she deserves.

But what do you know. I am one of the last of a dying breed. I am a guy that cares, and loved, and wanted to stay married to one woman for the rest of my life.

Why are we a dying breed, because women dont want us. They want the cheating slimeball asshole disrespectful and uncaring men. We are being breed out of existance because the assholes are the evolved male. They have confidence, good looks, and the bank accounts. And the women swoon.

It does not pay to be a nice guy anymore. I tried to be the best husband I could be. I gave in to most anything that she wanted. In the end, I was still not good enough. I still feel like she left me for an asshole, of course she wont admit that they were anymore than friends. Why because she never cheats on me. At least that is what she tells me.

I still remember when I had a truck accident, she got made and left that night, and stayed out at the apartments she runs. She packed lingiere in her bag, and had called a member of her staff that night from her cell phone at 12:30 AM, right after she got off the phone with me at 12:27AM saying she was going to sleep. I know cause I knew something was up. I checked her cell phone when she came home. And seen she had called this guy.

Why do you leave your husband with lingere in your bag, and call another man after you tell your husband your going to be. I can only think of one reason. I dont know if they did that night. The next day I talked to her, and convinced her that she needed to stay and I would do anything to keep her.

I never mentioned the lingere, the phone call, and the love note I found the next day i her purse. Becuase I was happy she was just home. She doesnt know that I know. But I did and I let it go.

If she would just come back now, i probaly would let anything that has happened recently go also. I wish Icould hate her. But I just cant because I still feel like she needs to be protected from the world.

I wish I could just turn the other cheek and ruin her life, but it hurts and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

I just want to see my "Wife" Again