Sunday, June 12, 2005

12 hours with the Ex

okay, so I spent the entire day today with the soon to be ex wife. I mean from the moment she called me after she got out of bed, until the moment she feel asleep in the living room watching "The Boogeyman"

We watched 4 movies, and talked. Also her mom called her a few times so i had to be quiet for that. And one of the guys she had been dating called. Its funny cause this guy is supposed to be a millionaire work a holic, and yet she spent all day with me and only spent 10 minutes talking to him.

I can not compete with a millionaire, but hey whatever I enjoy spending time with my ex. She has no real feelings for this guy, you can tell by the way she talks about him. There is no spark there.

I asked her at one point if she was horny, because she seemed to be. She told me she was, but that nothing was going to happen. Now it was one of those classic moments when the angel pops up on one shoulder, and the devil on the other. I could have probably started kissing her, an she would not have stopped me. She would have had sex with me and regretted me. So I listened to the damn angel and let it go.

I am not looking for sex with her, although her hotnes factor has definetlygone up about 20 points since she left me. She lost 40 pounds, (300 if you count me LOL)and cut her hair and dyed it blonde. Plus she had her glasses on and not her contacts. I want her to tell me she loves me one more time.

She told me again she wants me to be here for her through the illness, but she wants me to also find someone that will love me, and not think things are going to change if she gets better between me and her.

The thing is, if she never told me she was sick, then i would have moved on sooner than later. I am glad she told me. She thinks she is holding me back from a life I was not leading. Sure I dated a few girls. None had that spark that I wanted. The fact is that i would not trade a momnet of time with her for anyone else.

We talked about mistakes in our relationship. I told her I hated how she was going out all the time doing stuff, that I always wanted to do when we were married. She told me it was because she was kinda shallow. She said when i was married to her, idressed like I didnt care. I never fixed my hair, I always wore hawaian shirts, I was a social disater. She says i dress nice now that i am single.

These are conversations that would have been helpful 6 months ago. Oh well.I will not give up on her yet, she may see me as something she can love again, but I will do her a favor and continue to find another spark.

I just wish i knew what happens when you loose your soulmate in a divorce. I feel like I lost mine. Cause the world just isnt the same without her.

Why does love hurt?