Monday, July 18, 2005


I am not sure, but I believe over every Blockbuster Counter there is a huge structure suspended from the rafters that has a monthly list of movies that are coming soon. On each side of these is a place for a poster. On this monstrosity you will find prices for most everything in the store. And Every week it is my Monday job to take down what comes out this week, from the front, and add the new strips to the end of the list.

We call these things CAC strips, for what reason unknown to me. I bring this up for a reason. I would look at these things every week, after my wife had moved out, and think to myself. She will be back by the time, Meet the Fockers comes out. SO it was always a sad day when I would take that movie down and say the next movie she would be back by.

I stopped doing that a month and a half ago. I would take the old strips down, and look at the date on them , and say, She has been gone for this long now. And she is not coming back. Today I took down the strips for July 19th, and today, the 18th she officially moved out 4 months and 4 days ago. Thats when she come home on March 22 packed a bag and left the house to stay in an apartment on site.

While taking down the CAC strips, Fantasia was seeing Free Yourself on blockbuster tv. While I pulled down the strips entitled, Man of the House and Ice Princess. (People I knew hold always talked about how cold she was the way she left, like an Ice Princess, and I was supposed to be the Man of the house)I would not call her an Ice Princess, I know it was not all her fault.

So 4 months and 4 days have passed. I am still jealous. I still think about who she is with, and how she is having a great life. How she is going to have the stuff she is going to want in life. Jealous that someone is holding her like I longed every night to hold her for the rest of my life. Jealous that she moved on and is happier. Because I dont know what it feels like to be happy anymore. Jealous because I have no sunshine in my world anymore.

I hate her for being happy, I hate her for spending her days lying about me instead of using that energy to tell me what she needed. To tell me what she wanted. I hate her because I blame myself. I hate her becuase I was basically worthless to her, and you know thats my fault too. Its my fault because I let her feel like I was not worthy of her. I let her do everything, because I thought she wanted a man with no spine. I thought she wanted to control everything. So i let her walk all over me, I let everything be my fault. Because I would have rather had her walk all over me, instead of step over me on her way out.

Instead, my plans went arry. She basically walked on me, and out the door. Not because she was cold, or heartless, its because I let her. Si I sit her, another day crying over someone who knew I was worthless and moved on with her life and never thinks about me now. Becuase why when you are happy, why look at the times you were miserable. She never has to be miserable again.

So I sit here, and my life moves on around me. I suffer because I dont know any better. I know next week I will but them strips up, and it will be 4 months and 11 days since she left. Which is also very fitting because our divorce was filed on 4/11.

The thing is, when I am with Mandi, I dont think about "her". I enjoy spending time with Mandi, but I just dont know i she is what I want. I sometimes feel like I should break it off, and yet I am afraid that I will not find anything better, and I will be alone. And being alone, is worse than a possible.

I just know Mandi has problems, her family was not the best to her growing up. Her dad has a very serious medical condition. Her Mother is selfish. Mandi herself is on Anti Depressants. Everyone has there own baggage. Me I am afraid I will never stop loving my ex. I feel like I am not ever going to be worthy of anyone. I am afraid to sleep with anyone because I am afraid I will be a terribel lover. Becuase I was bad at it for the last 7 years why should anything improve now.

I got to get off here. I am making myself worse. I will try to have something more upbeat tomorrow.