Monday, July 25, 2005

25. I secretly hope she never has children

Ok this touched a nerve in the ex wifes system. SHe found out about the new car and wanted to know if she needed to take the truck off my hands. (merry xmas hun) I told her she could take care of it. I would give in back.

Then she sends me an email saying that my blog was hateful and that I was wishing her harm in a public forum. I do not see how that makes me seem like I am wishing her harm. The reason I made that statement is for a few reason.

If I were to see her out with her own child in public I would proabably break down. Becuase I would have felt like God hated me. It is the only thing besides her that I ever truly wanted, at whatever cost. (I would have traded my life for her, I would have traded my soul for her to be the mother of my child.) So If I were to see her with a child of her own I think it would destroy me.

My entire family history rides on me. The Wood name dies with me. I am it. There were only 2 boys in this last generation of the family tree. Me and my little cousin who is autistic. I was the last hope of the entire wood family. The thing is I would have traded in my entire family history to be with her even if she could not have children.

I know it is selfish to say something like that, but I cant help if I feel that way. But I am not the one who lied to everyone about me to make it easy on herself. I have the right to be a little selfish, for some one who was dropped like garbage, or street trash. Sorry if I have a little anger and resentment toward her.

I did not act hurt when she told me that "I wished you would have died, because it would have made things easier." I did not take offense to that. Hell but if you asking me, it sure sounds like she was wishing harm on me.

I dont mean to be heartless, but it hurts to know that when you loved someone as much as I loved her, when you loved someone that you trusted even though you felt sometihng was going on behind your back, I gave her the benifit of the doubt. I did not want to know she was lying about me. I knew something was up but did not pry because I thought it would blow over. Well it blew me right off the damn love boat.

So dont worry. You will be happy, you are always going to be happy. You will get what you want. So go have your children, I take it back. It does not matter you left me in a miserable hell were everyday is worse than the day before because my heart blackens everyday, while the tears roll down my face.

You just be fucking happy. And let me rot in knowing that the happiest I will every have been was behind me, and if I knew it was going to end so soon, maybe I could have enjoyed it more. But the fact is I could not even relax in the best days of my life because they were swept out from under me in a moment of anger. I was ignored why you ran away. If you spent have as much time communicating with me about what was wrong instead about lying to everyone about me.