Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Story of Me

Long Time no Talk folks. I lay tonight in my bed, waiting for sleep to come, yet it seems so far away, because I know I need to write, and I will get no peace till I do. I have lots to talk about.

First Charla. Charla and I are not dating for the time being. It seems that We both have some issues. I have issues with Sarah, that I can not seem to get over. I thought I was doing better, but as the holidays rolled in I spent more time depressed than happy. The January 8th came, our anniversary. Or what would have been our 6th anniversary.

The thing was, I am not over all this yet. And who knows how long it takes. Like Charla explained to me, she knows people who have went through divorce. You have times that you are hurting, and then you have times where you think you are okay, and then you hurt some more, but everytime you are supposed to hurt less.

I think there is some truth to all that. I am not over what she did to me. I also am not over what i did to her to make her think elsewhere was a better place to look. Because I know it is easier to blame her, when some things are just as much my fault.

You know I do get alot of advice, and some of you just want to smack me sometime. Some of your advice I think is good, (Finding Heart, I know you keep pushing that damn book, but I am already a nice guy, your not going to find much nicer.) EPZ I think is tired of hearing me whine. Lukrative thinks I need to sleep with a women to get me over Sarah. And I am sure Pro-divorce agrees.

Like Charla says, she can tell from who I am that I love deeply. She says that is not a bad thing, when you are with the one you love. I guess I think of my love for Sarah in the terms of a fish hook. Once it is your flesh, you cant just pull it out. Well you can but its going to hurt like hell. So sometimes you have the cut the tip, so the rest of the hook just slips out.

So when you love so deeply, how do you cut the tip. I guess its one of those things that everyone has to learn to deal with on their own. The key is to cut that hook, before it gets infected. Right now I am the equvilant of a man running around with a fish hook imbedded in his lip, and its just starting to fester. Yes folks I just I painted a story of heartbreak with a festering fish hook.

The worst part of this is that I hurt someone in the process. Because i did not want to be alone, and I thought the key to getting over a deep love, was by falling in love again. The bad thing is, that i am not sure if my soul was ready for that. So I liked Charla, but she was actually falling for me. Not in love yet, but well on her way.

So here we sit, from almost a week ago when she told me she had to break it off with me. Because she felt like she was in Sarah's shadow. Charla worried that if I kissed her, that I maybe thinking of Sarah when I did. That there was this place deep in my heart that Sarah would always be. And she is not sure that she could love me knowing that she may just be my second choice. I understand that. No one wants to think they are the second choice.

So we have decided to be friends. We have issues that we need to work on. She told me that maybe we were never supposed to be more than friends. But she told me that she could not feel right about not ever talking to me again. Maybe we were only supposed to be friends.

I know this, I am thankful, that she has shone me the way back to God. Its something that I had lost faith in long ago. And she opened that doorway again.

So Constant Readers. I continue my journey of discovery. I hope someday soon i think of how to pick the lock that Sarah has placed on my heart, the lock that will not seem to open and let me out. Put I have to find this on my own. No single bit of advice is going to do the work for me. And I cant just go around breaking hearts.

I want to leave you tonight with something Charla sent me in an email today.

Someone sent this to her. I have no idea who wrote, but it made a lot of sense to me.

"Who am I today?" I ask...
And I wonder if I even know.
I know the past has shaped me now,
Even though the past was long ago.

The little moments form a blur,
The times both happy and sad,
All the people I once knew,
and the things I used to have.

They all helped me to become
Where, what and who I am now,
Because everything has influenced me,
I'm not sure exactly how.

But I'm thankful for the memories,
Even of the people I've never really met,
For the people I miss , the people I love,
And even the people I'd like to forget.

For the memories have helped me grow,
they've made me calm, yet strong,
and now there's a story to my life,
That they've been writing all along.

Good night everyone.