Friday, February 03, 2006

The letter

You may want to read the post before this one to understand why this letter is here.


You are the only thing in the world that gives me hope. When I awaken you are the very first thoughts on my mind, that cause my almost invisible smile. It pains me to see you hurting, and its not good for you either.

I know I don’t deserve another chance, every time I get one, I end up messing things up again. Not immediately but down the road. You tell me its hard to trust me and you don’t think you can every trust me again.
I want to get passed this, I Love You, every time I say it, I truly deeply mean it. I am afraid of loosing you, and I am scared. But you think its for all the wrong reasons. The reasons I am afraid to love you are because before you, my life was empty. I had no smiles or colors. No one I could talk to that understood what was in my heart. You are important to me because you put things like hope, and love there into my world.

I made a bad decision. One that I had no clue the outcome would be so destructive to our relationship. It was one that I thought in the worst case scenarios, I would not hear you come home and you would yell down to the basement that you were home. I see now why you were upset, and hurt.

Sarah I want you to be my priority. I do want to change, and bad decisions will not happen in the same manner. Every time I do something wrong, I learn a lesson, on what you expect from me. I know you think this is the same fight from a year and half ago, but its not. To me it seems very, very different. Last time it was because I never did nice things for you, leave you love notes, never thought about you, never gave you things that would make you happy. That I never took into consideration what you wanted to do, and I was making another thing a priority every week.

This time you say that I didn’t make you a priority, and in all honesty it was not the best way to show you I was making you a priority. Even though I could not wait for you to arrive home, I should have been waiting and not playing.

Please I am begging you for another chance, I am begging for forgiveness. We need to be in love again. We need to make you see that I am not a bad husband. I am not great, I bet you cant even name a great husband. But I care for you more than any other spouse or Significant Other cares for them.

We have based this relationship on things, strong things. Its built on a mountain of love. Honor, Sacrifices, Family.

Honor: I honor you everyday when I get in that truck, where the picture of you still hangs on my visor. The same pace it has been since you gave me that truck. I look at you at every stop light, before I get of the truck, and when I get back in it. That’s a lot of time I spend in my truck.

Sacrifices: You have given me more than any woman should have. We sacrifice everyday because of my mother. You pay a mighty fortune for us to live in this house and have things to occupy us with.

Family: I don’t have any family, your family is my family. The way they talk to me makes me feel welcomed to be there, even though I don’t really deserve to be there. The way your mom actually talks to me, or your dad willing to try to help me get a job. The way your brother doesn’t call me names. And where would any of us be without Madison. She doesn’t run from me, she always hugs me when she sees me. Marge, I barely knew her and Norman, before he passed away, but I was asked to carry his casket to the grave. It was the only time I felt like I wanted to do it, for some one I had respect for. My own family, there is no respect.

Sarah I know you could live without me. I know you love me and yet have so much resentment and anger toward me. You deserve to be happy, and maybe I can still give you that, if I can get out of this rut I have been in since having to work for BBV. I want to be home with you every night. I never wanted to be someplace else when you were home. I will change that., I will find something soon. I thin you were right about the comfortable thing. As long as I could keep the balance up and you seemed happy, and things were ok.
I just want you to hear me out, and try to let you see reason to forgive me, and try to trust me again. I miss you. And I feel like my insides are ripped apart, and my soul is swishing around in total emptiness. There are things I still want to do with you in this life, one of which is to collaborate on a novel, I think we could do well in that aspect, because you are a great writer also.

Sarah when I am not with you, the world seems dark and lonely. When you are away from me on trips, I fear the dark. Sounds that I hear frighten me. But when your beside me I do not fear them, because I am then protecting you . I have no time for fear. Because nothing would be able to hurt you because it would have to go through me first.

Always have I loved you. I would love it when we would get on subjects and talk the entire night. I t could be over stupid things we ate in high school, or the antics of Ben, but it always was us having a good time.

Robert, was always all you had to say when you we were sleeping and you got scared of something. As soon as I rolled over to face you, you would bury your face in my chest and try to snuggle as close as you could to me. I could smell your hair and my arms would encircle you as you fell asleep in my arms.

Any time we did anything you wanted to do I feel good. Even if I grumble, I still enjoy it. I love the way you place your hand on my leg as we a driving. I know why you do that, you told me one time. I had to do with how your Mom would do that to your dad, its very romantic.

How I wonder what goes through your mind when you see me dressed up, or what you think about when I slide on a pair of pants you like. Something that you see in me that I don’t even see in myself.
I know your favorite food is fettuccine Alf redo. Yet you never go anywhere to eat it. I think in the seven years I have been with you that I have seen you eat it only about 5 times. If you love something then why never eat it.
Laughing has always been something in are relationship. I could always make you laugh when you were feeling blue or upset. Its one of the only things that can keep you going when nothing else seems to do it. So how did the turtle with no arms and legs cross the freeway?
Only you, that’s the only person I have ever looked into there eyes and seen ever growing old with. I can see everything through your eyes.
Violets are blue, and Roses are red but none of them can ever touch the beauty of your smile. The way you smile lights up a room. Its not a smile that I never want to see again.
Everyone knows how to love someone. Its never hard, and I know how to love you. I know lots of things about you. I can remember most major stories about your life. Too many and some more embarrassing than you every want published here. But ask me about them and I can tell you the story, because it’s the only storage space in my brain that is not filled with useless information.

You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. You feel sorry for people, just like I do. I remember stopping and feeding those people stranded on the road, who ran out of gas money. We did not have a lot of money at that time but we stopped and got them wendys. And even scraped enough change together to get them some gas money. We never knew if they made it or not, but when we came back through the station wagon was gone. We did not have to do that but it made another uneventful day memorable.

Oh pretty lady how you can sing. You take everything on the radio and make it your own. How many people get to see you sing your heart out. I know you don’t sing to everyone, and that’s another thing that you do that’s special to me, that makes you special to me.

Understanding you is something I strive to do. I think I get most of who you are, your insecurities and what makes you tick. I Love everything about you. Your different expressions, like the teasing one where you lay on the bed and stick your tongue out and then pull the blanket over you. Its your playful side. Or the look on your face when you are scolding a dog, how your lips hang down and how your eyebrows arch down and you say bad tiki. I want to be able to see your happy expressions again.