Monday, February 13, 2006

Valentines Day Starts...NOW

Well its almost here. The day where we trade chocolate for sex. And yes I am not trading chocolate to anyone if you have not noticed. My how the mighty have fallen. Okay I was never mighty, but whatever.

I lay around all day today. I basically spent more time in a recliner than actually moving. How depressed to do you have to be to actually move a recliner to sit it in front of your computer so you have a comfortable place to sit and use the computer. I know a laptop would be much easier.

I did not clean the apartment today. I did however remove the rug underneath my computer desk, because it was interfering with the recliner. I actually hated the rug. It would never lay flat, it was always getting bunched up, so i tossed it... I wont miss it.

I did leave the house, I went across the street to the "competition" to see if they had any good games in. But their is nothing out. I really need a 360. My life during the day is very boring without my English friends.

I went into the grocery store next door, to kill some time. Guys were falling all over there selves looking for last minute Valentines day cards, silly ballons and flowers. The sad thing is I looked at these guys and realized how much I wanted to be one of them. How silly is it that a "made up" holiday can make you feel so alone. I guess its more the memories I shared on these days then what it means to me today.

I remember one Valentines day i converted our Kitchen into a High School Prom. Because Sarah did not go to her high school prom. And I went by myself. I had her put on a formal dress she had in the closet for the wedding of her cousin Beth. I was dressed up in my Suit. The closest thing i had to a tuxedo.

I hung streamers, and banners, and put little heart window clings on the sliding kitchen doors. I lit the fireplace and Moved the kitchen table in there. I had even went to her favorite Chinese Resteraunt and got her General Tsao Chicken and Crab Rangoon. I had bought a music cd that played throughout the night. I was pretty proud of myself, i was one of the most romantic things I could every think up.

I asked her to dance. And we did, and then I tried to go for a dip, and dropped her. She twisted her ankle and that pretty much ended the "Dance". She laughed about the incident. I helped her up and we continued on to the bedroom after that.I may have even carried her at that point.

I miss things like that. i never got to live down the dipping incident... ever. Even after the divorce she joked about me dropping her.

I put so much thought into that night. Why, because she told me a month or two back, before that night, she had regretted not going to her prom. I knew I wanted to try to give her a little piece of that. I even think I bought her a corsage.

But there are no valentine dipping in my future. At least not tonight. So tonight I will go to sleep, and do what i do every other miserable day.

Think of her and all the nice things I miss, and then think of everything she did to me, and then still ache because I miss her.

Good Night all

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. - C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed, pt. 1 (1961).