Tuesday, February 07, 2006

My fears

I was once afraid of the dark. Not so frightened that i would use a night light or anything. But there was just the odd shapes that one would see out in the darkness. Hovering where the light would never illuminate.

I remeber what cured me of the dark. It was Sarah. Because I knew if I wre going to protect her from the things that i thought I seen in the darkness, then I would have to put away childish fears. For there is nothing in darkness that is not in the light.

Sure sometimes, when she was out of town, or out with her family and I was alon at night, the fear was there. But now days it is gone. No I enjoy the darkness, well mostly. I rarely leave the lights on in my apartment when i am home. I have the soft glow of the computer monitor, or the tv. The only time I ever turn on the lights, is if its dark and I am trying to fix something to eat, or if I am reading a book or something.

I was laying in the darkness a few minutes ago and realized why I like it. I realize my sleeping habits have changed. I sleep on my right side toward the center of the bed, with a pillow pinned beneath my head. I also have another pillow that i wrap my arms around.

And I relaize that if I close my eyes and concentrate real hard, I can make believe in the darkness it is not a pillow, and that its her and sometimes that gives me enough comfort that I can go to sleep.

The other fear that I have is that I may never have children. I am afraid of this one as I get older. Some events I am not going into lead me to believe that I was the reason Sarah and i never had a child. Never having a child caused a lot of conflict between me and God.

Its the one thing that scares me, and some people just dont get it. You hear all the people saying kids are alot of work. You never understand how much work they are. But its one of the only things I have ever wanted from my life. Even if the child is not mine by blood.

I have started chatting with a girl named Amanda, sort off. I am not holding out too much hope that it will lead to anything yet. Its not progressed more than a few emails.

You see, her father died last week. She had only sent me one email before it happened, saying that she would enjoy talking to me. Then she wrote in her blog about her father dying. I sent my condolences. And pretty much thought it would be the last time i would hear from her. Striking it up to bad timing.

Well it was not. She emailed me again today. She had been out of town, and said she was going to be real busy. She tld me that her mom had died about 5 years ago, and her dad had been real sick so she knew that it could happen at anytime.

She is only 24 years old, and already has lost both her parents. And she has a 2 year old son.

Dont get me wrong, I am not saying anything about if this is going to bud into a relationship or anything. But I am actually taking THH advice this one. I am not mentioning Sarah to her. Not for awhile. I did mention I was divorced and thats it.

Who knows this may be the last time i talk to her even. Like I said i am not getting my hopes up yet. But who knows what could happen. All things happen for a reason, right. But again its a little more hope, something I could use anyway.

I hope you guys have a Good Night