My dealing with a divorce, coming to term with it, the stress of it and the search to find love again.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Dating Again
Well I asked out Mandi today when I called her. We are going sometime Saturday after she gets off work to go see War of the Worlds. I am deciding if I need to get a hair cut. Its getting pretty long in the back and thick on top.
It sucks how bad I want my wife back, but she is determined that she is never going to take me back. I just hope somewhere down the line I can find the happiness that i deserve also. I just wanted to be with her. Now I feel like everything in the world does not line up the way it should. Too many washed out bridges in my heart.
I know if she would let me back into her heart and stop dating other people she would realize what she is missing. Still she has always had a problem with her family. She feels like that if she were to want to be with me again they would never forgive her because they paid for the divorce.
So i will go on my date on Friday with a girl who i am not sure will every want to be with me as more than friends because I am divorced, and the funny thing is if I was not divorced I would not be with her. See there we go lining things up that dont make sense.
Life is an enigma sometimes. You get what you want, and then thats not good enough for destiny, and every so often destiny turns us on our ears.
See I knew this would happen. I dont know if i ever mentioned my wifes wedding band. It is not a perfect circle. In the top it forms a slight angle down. A wedding ring is supposed to be a complete circle. It is suppose to go on idefinately. To remain continuos in one motion. Hers did not. I told her when we bought it that ever so often we were going to have troubles in our marriage because of that ring.
Of course she will blame it on me for blowing out the unity candle at our ceremony. Oh well.. You win some and you loose the rest right. Wish me look on my date.
Okay in a comment EPZ tagged me to tell you about my book colllection, so here goes. I hope you are in for a long read. Cause I have a lot to share.
Total Number of Books Owned: I own at least, 323 books. 134 or more dragonlance novels (some may still be on loan to friends so i am guessing how many. I know that I have ever non-choose your own, and kid friendly dragonlance novel there is save 1) 143 at least, Role playing books. And 45 novels by various authors. (Stephen King, Michael Crichton, Douglas Preston etc.)
Last book I bought was: Blades of The Tiger book one of the Taladas Dragonce Trilogy
Last Book I read: Return of the Exile Book 3 in the Dragonlance Linsha Majere trilogy. It was a good read, I enjoyed the entire trilogy amd ended beter than I had hoped.
Last Non Fiction Book I read: Stephen King's On writing I admit i loved what i read of this book but I never got around to actually finsihing it. But it is a very important book to me.
Five Books that mean alot to me Conspiracy X It was a role playing game that took alot of the best things from the X files and made it it into a game. I loved this game and even became friends with the authors, which leads me to my second important book
Angel: The Role Playing Game The book is important to me because I helped write it. Eden studios let me on the additonal writers because they knew how dedicated I was to them and thier company. This won Role Playing game of the Year Last year at Origins (A role playing convention)
Tales of Uncle Trapspringer, this book is special. I never read it. It will always be special because its the first thing my Ex Wife ever bought me. She bought it for me on our second meeting, cause whenI was showing her what i enjoyed, I noticed it and did not have it. I laughed it off, saying I will have to pick it up later.
The Stand because it is Stephen frickin King thats why this book is special
Stephen King's On writing because its nice to look inside the Mind of who you wish you could write like.
Okay so there you guys go, I hope you are impressed.
Well my ex wife has left the millionaire again. She said he is too immature (something she said about me also) Then she told me after four beers that the two of them had been sleeping together over the last few weeks.
It stung a little bit. Especially when she told me (I cant blame her I started asking questions) that he was good in bed also. Great so he has money, and he is good in the sack. No wonder she doesnt want me.
But there is one little problem with him, he is a jerk. On her birthday, he did not give her a card. He took her out to dinner, but no gift, no card, for someone you are having sexual intercourse with. How many ladies would stand for that out there.
My ex said she feels like she will be single for the rest of her life. You know thinking back it was not the sex that kept us together, I was okay in the sack but I knew that i was never the best. I did the best I could with what i was given. I made love to my wife the best and onlt way i knew how.
What kept us together is what we did tonight. We talked and laughed and cut up. I picked her up and lated her in bed. Joking and touching and giggling. Okay she was drunk on 4 beers, but she was having a good time. I think she missess the good times we use to have before we were married and before my Dad passed away and my mother moved in.
She missed the me who was funny and cute. Who would do stupid things to make her laugh, or pick her up and carry her away. I am a very strang guy. I can pick her up with one arm and carry her.
It was times like tonight i miss the first years we were together. living alone, doing what we wanted. I miss going on the trips by ourselves, even if it was to go watch fire works while driving down the Loyd Expressway, we could see the riverfront and all the cars lining up on the expressway. We pulled over and watched them. That is how we spent our first fourth of July.
I wish she loved me again. I wish we could go back and fix all this. i still wake up wishing for all this to be just a really long nightmare. I wish i could wake up and fix this.
If this is the way our relationship was to end, then why did so many mistakes get us here. Why did she call me back 7 years ago after we broke up. Because I paged her. I paged her cause I was scared i would loose her forever, because a satelite had went down, and 90% of the pagers went out that day. She called back, and 2 days later her pager service had expired and she had not renewed. 2 days difference in timing and we would not have ever gotten married.
So why if this is right God, then why does it fucking hurt so bad? Why do i still get this tingle in my gut when I see her, a tingle in my chest that no one else has ever given me. If she was not my Soul Mate, then who is, and why not have given her to me seven years ago.
Why Does love hurt. Shouldnt life be perfect. Shouldnt we all have passionate kisses like i would give her for no reasons sometimes right after she walked into a room. What happened to the me that use to do those things. Am i still stuck in a fairy tail utopia why this miserable half cries out for the one thing he always wanted, but now cant have.
Or does part of hr still want me and feels like she has betrayed me and everyobne else to the point that she looses more by loving me than she feels she will ever gain.
But right now all i know is my sleeping arangements remain the same, A king sized bed holding an empty heart
Anyway i did something nice, I put a link to her blog also, since she started one. Please dont be mean to her. We are having a nie time being friends, even if i still find myself in love with her
Sorry I have not updated in awhile. While I have been moving and working have not had much time for anything else. So i thought I would give you more journeys of the story of my life.
Well i have been living on my own now. I have a fridge with groceries, no mother to drive back and forth to work everyday. It made sleeping in a few hours great today. Awwwww, freedom.
Been spending time with the ex wife still. I dont know why I do it. I still enjoy her company, and i miss her as a freind and a lover. How much I want her is evident its nothing she doesn't know. She can tell I still have it for her.
Have you every wonder if fate exist anymore. I wonder why I keep seeing signs that seem to make me want her. I went shopping with her last week.They had a three sided rack that had hundreds of earings, pendets, and whatnot. I look right at it, and see one that says SOUL-MAte. It was bright and colorfully not anything like the rest. It shook me up when I seen. There was not a duplicate of it anywhere.
I am just looking to deep into because I am wanting to be something there maybe. She broke it off with the millionaire, she found out that even 38 year old men can be quite petty and childish also. She doesnt need someone like that.
On another note I am thinking of asking MAndi to War of The Worlds on Friday or Saturday... I have been talkiing to her on and off. But I always feel like there is no future in this path. Of course I feel no future in any path I take. I wanted to love only one woman for the rest of my life now my poor heart is fractured. It doesnt know where it should go, and what way is the right way anymore.
Oh well, it will eventually make its choice as to which path it chooses, maybe I should consult the old tarot cards again.
Well guys I have had a very productive day. I spent the first few hours this morning waiting for the cable guy to get his ass over here and hook me up. Man I remember when getting hooked up was getting laid. Well at least I got something hooked up.
After the cable guy could not figure out for 45 minutes why the internet was not working. I also found out my damn bedroom does not have a cable jack. I am a little annoyed, but hey I can rememdy that problem tomorrow A powerdrill and drywall make an efficient way to break free, or maybe I will just run cable under the carpet... sigh
Then I went over to the ex wifes apartment to hook up her internet. Got to see my dogs and I felt good to do it. I never realized how easy dsl was to hook up, and its almost as fast as mine. But I do not have a landline phone in my apartment. I decided to sign up with vonage. I heard it is good.
Then I decided to sit around and play Xbox until I had to pick up my mother from work. After I came home, I decided I had all the best things here at my apartment. The only thing missing was my bed and a few pieces of furniature. I deiced that I would get the bed, and leave the dresser for another day.
Now i have a king size bed. I also had help from one person, myself. Thats right, I have been moving myself. Has anyone ever tried to move a king size mattress by themselves. Its a task. I also had to bring it down a flight of steps.
That is where todays hilarious story comes into play. I get this mattress wedged in a narrow hallway. It rolls up on both ends, forming a C in the hallway. I cant seem to push the mattress any further, I need to get underneath it and pull it cause it is hitting something on the ceiling.
So i look at the this thing and I see away around it. All I have to do is simply slide across the mattress to get in front of it. So I Step into the C and sit down. Kids do not try this at home. I was wearing blue jeans, and the mattress had no sheet on it. So when I sat down, it was like one of those giant water slides, I zipped through it Fast!!!!. And then proceeded not to land until my ass touched down about 7 steps later. My ass still hurts. If I had known that was going to happen I would have charged the neighborhood kids.
I managed to get all the bed over here. And set it up. Anyway here is my apartment so far. Not looking as ghetto now. I hope to be able to find a used sofa tomorrow for $50 there were some in the paper.
Welcome to Xbox Central
Never was any good at making a bed
Closet, with clothes
I am glad you guys did not tag me on the book debate. I love me some books (Mostly Dragonlance and Stephen King but he
Okay so everyone knows we that I have been talking to the ex wife, in a friendship kind of way. I still love her more than anyone will truly ever know. I know she knows that also, but it does not change the past. She divorced me and she just isn't going to back down that road again with me.
The problem is that she is dating (I guess not sure what you would call it.) a man ten years older than her with 6 kids, one of which works for her (She even gave her a birthday card that said MOM). He also owns a scrap yards and is a millionaire. She was pissed at him over the weekend, and I honestly do not think she has a spark for him, you can see it in her eyes that she tries to, but it is not there. I think she likes the thought of never having to worry about money, and always being comfortable. Something she would never have from me. (Unless I could write my novels and sell them)
She told me that she does not think he would ever treat her like she was the center of her universe. That he is a work a holic and that he has a lot of baggage. His daughter is a NUISENCE and she spends more time talking to me than him.
She claims i never treated her like the center of my universe. Looking back i see what she means. Everywhere I went when I was by myself, adn would talk about how much I loved my wife. How I thought she was the most beautiful person in the world. That I felt excited everytime I seen her. How her smile lit up my heart, how her eyes caused me to loose my train of thought. I wrote letters to the newspaper editor about how men should treat there ladies. I loved when we would talk until 5 a.m. just to talk. I missed the trips we would take out of the blue. (St. Louis, Nashville, Bloomington, we were planing on going to an Aquirium in Louisvillle, or a Zoo in Indianpolis in the near future before we split up.)
Thats the sad thing, I told so many people how much I loved her. The thing is I never let her know. I would tell her I loved her on the phone but it became habit because I would say it so often. It just lost its charm. I quit visiting her at work because i had to work late, and so i did not feel like driving across town to see her for lunch. I use to visit her for an hour everyday when I was working dayshifts.
I neglected to tell her that she was special to me. I neglected to make the extra effort to do something nice for her. I neglected to tell her she was gorgeous everyday. I always thought she was stunning. Even the fresh out of bed look. I just never said any of these things to her.
Now back to the Center of the Universe. I want her to be treated like the Center of the Universe, I wanted to treat her like the center of the solar system. Let me explain.
- The center of the universe is vast, and empty. Its cold and no one knows where or what is at the center. There are thousands of stars, and it takes millions of years for light to penetrate it.
-Now I want her to know she was the center of the solar sytem for me. Its not as empty. Everything is closer. At the center is warmth, light, life. I live because she gave me the warmth of love. When I was cold, her warmth reached into my soul. When I was alone and afraid of the darkness of my future, she was the light that tried to guide me. I know life exhist in our solar system because I experience it everyday. I wanted her to realize that my heart was there to be her sun.
I wish i could have given her what she needed. I wish I had millions in the bank. But alas i did not, I was born poor, and learned the best social skills I could. I am smart but dumb because I should have went to college but didnt. I regret it now. If I had made something of my life, then maybe I could have made something of hers. All I know is I wish she woul stay away from this guy, cause he wont make her happy.
He told her if things did not work out between them, that it was her loss. He told her that he was married 3 times and he did not love any of them. How do you marry 3 people and never loved any of them.
I married one and I love her, I never stopped loving her. I never will stop loving her. Because once we loose the sun, we are plunged into darkness, and the bitter cold. To my sunshine...
Well friends, I am exhausted today. I am sore, stiff and in a little pain. So Itook day off from visiting the apartment. I was planning on taking stuff over there, but decided against it for right now. Since I feel like I fell off a mac truck while it was backing up.
Why do I feel this way. Because I helped the ex wife get a computer desk up three flights of steps. I did this by myself, to show my manliness and how much testosterone she was missing. This thing was heavy, But I did it. I celebrated by sitting on her love seat panting and weezing like I just survived the Ironman marathon. Real Manly
After all that, I stayed and help her put it all together. A task that would take someone an hour or so. But my ex and I took 4 hours to put it together. And in the end it was not even a very satiisfying because after we got it together, the shelves were uneven. Very slanted,I wish I had my camera I would have taken a pic.
Now normally if the two of us were in the same room with a desk/entertainment center we would not be talking to each other afterwards because I would yell at her. She would then start to pout. But last night was nice. We did not yell or argue. We worked together like a team. Not a well oiled machine, well maybe a well oiled machine that had a gear loose that caused lopsided shelves.
This week I am going to go over to her apartment to hook up a computer for her. She had me order her a dell computer. It should be here on Tuesday. So I will hook up her DSL.
Well Not much more to say. Everyone have a nice night.
Well here is my new apartment. I thought I would give you the photo tour of everything with my fine $99 camera. Sorry about picture quality, or the death of home design.
okay here is the front door. My living room area, notice 3 things, the carpet, the hole in the blinds and the Wall air condition unit. I will have to get me a new set of blinds, I dont want to kill any peeping toms who may look in on me.
As we look into my kitchen we see the lovely cabinet without doors. I swore they would come and put doors on it today while I was at work, because they left all there tools in my apartment. I also have cleaning supplies under there cause I am definately going to need them.
Now we move on to the bedroom. I am so glad after doing some measuring that my bed will fit here. We are still debating about the headboard however. Yes there is the closet, and it also holds the water heater.
Well the only room left is the bathroom. A very small bathroom. Well I guess you do not need much room in there anyway. The pic is my cool looking shower curtain. The next is my shelf that holds my towels. (Towels Sold Seperatly, Void in Rhode Island)And last but not least my sink, and a nice pic of my candle warmer
So that is the guided tour of my new apartment. Thanks for stopping by. Dont worry about taking your shoes off. You cant do any worse to the carpet.
You know as much as i make fun I am really excited. Its been along time since I got to make my own decesions about things.
Well I was talking with the ex tonight. She had gotten home from hanging out with her friends. The 2 she has left. And I decided to go visit my new apartment. So I went and did that. I ended up talking to her while I put up my new shower curtain.
I decided that enough had not been done, so I put together my new candle warmers. (A nice thing for guys with smelly apartments, it warms the candle so you can get the smell good stuff without actually setting things on fire) Fire bad!!!
Well I decided to go to Walmart, cause I am an insomniac. I was one of those people I can not stand. The ones who talk on a cell phone while doing anything else. I bought the following items.
Vaccumm $43.12 reese peanut butter cups x 2 $.45 Wall Clock $3.97 (Bought one for the ex, she needed a clock on her wall) Wooden Wall Clock $6.97 (hehe I bought me a nicer one) 8 pack of AA batteries $4.97 universal remote control $9.97 8 Ice cube trays (4 for me, 4 for her) A pack of ol Roy bacon and egg dog treats $2.97(For our dogs. They were do cute they looked just like pieces of bacon and egg)
Walmart is stil insane at 12:45 am. Had to stand in line for 20 minutes.
So I dropped off the stuff at the ex wifes door. And went on back to my apartment. Which are basically right across the road from each other. (No I did not move that close to her on purpose. It was the cheapest and closest to where I wanted to live. I asked her if she minded first. She seemed not to mind so i went for it.) I pay $335 a month for a closet with appliances.
Maybe i will post pics of it tomorrow. I am going to go over there, and go buy some things at the Deals everything is a dollor place. I love cheap shit. Well Gotta goto bed I have to open my store tomorrow.
Here is a question, what is the last thing you bought at walmart. Just an interesting topic.
Wel i signed the lease today on my apartment. Went in, I love the carpet, it was so 70 style. It could have been worse I guess, it could have been shag. I can already tell it is going to be a long time before I have sex with a girl living here. But hey, its cheap, and it was availiable.
I wont be moving total in to the apartment yet. I am a little worried that the king size bed is not going to fit in my bed room. I will do my best to jam it in there. Also the living room is kinda small. But I do not need much, its just me living here.
As long as I have my xbox, broadband internet, I will be a little less than happy. But it will be tolerable. It has a refrigerator, to keep my water cold. It has a stove to cook my world famous spagetti -O 's. Man I miss being married right now. My ex could not cook, or at least she hardly ever would cook, but at least we had the cash to buy dinner if need be.
Oh well this is all part of a growth right. I was never grown up enough in the eyes of the ex but now i am forcing myself to. Its kind of fitting that it is her birthday today. I did drop a card off to her apartment door, with $10 it for her to get her a few bagels at the bagel shop, I wanted gift certificates, but they were out.
Actually they were not out, they could not get the safe open to get the gift certificates, and the only guy who could get the safe open in town sleeps til noon everyday. Sigh Okay well everyone have a nice day
Okay so evil petting zoo stole this idea, so I think I will stil this idea from him, and he stole it from non vocabulum, I would link to her site but I am not that damn good yet. So i apologize.
10 years ago, I... 1. Just graduated from high school 2. Thought I would never kiss a girl 3. Thought I was ugly 4. Couldnt wait to get married 5. Played role playing games
5 years ago, I.... 1. Was Married 2. Had made love to a woman 3. wanted to have children with this woman 4. was my father's boss 5. Had to bury my father 9 days before xmas
Today I .... 1. Am divorced 2. Miss my ex wife 3. still love my ex wife 4. Looked at apartments 5. Looked at new vehicles
Tomorrow I .... 1. Talk to my ex wife 2. Go to work the night shift 3. play Halo2 with people in Britian, France, Ohio and Sweden 4. will still be unhappy about my divorce 5. Wish i could back in time and stop my divorce
5 Snacks I enjoy ... 1. Laffy Taffy Cherry rope candy 2. Andy Capp Hot fries 3. Little Debbie brownies 4. Chips and Salsa 5. Watermelon
5 Songs i know all the words to without the music 1. All Star by Smashmouth 2. you got the hooch by Everything 3. I got friends in Low paces by Garth Brooks 4. I Meant to do that by Paul Brandt 5. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
5 Things I would do with $100,000,000: 1. Make Sure my ex wife does not get sick 2. Pay off all the bills from our Divorce 3. Buy my mother a new car and someone to teach her how to drive 4. Buy me a computer so i could play PC games 5. Fly to England, France, Sweden and Ohio and meet my halo buddies
Top 5 Locations I'd run away to: 1. London 2. Australia 3. French Lick, Indiana 4. Las Vegas, Nevada 5. Alaska
5 Bad habits I have: 1. Chewing my fingernails 2. Bouncing my leg when I am nervous 3. Not throwing away soda cans 4. Looking down on myself 5. Worry about everything and what it means
5 Things I like Doing: 1. Talking to my ex wife 2. Playing Halo online 3. Role Play 4. Read 5. Being in love
5 Things I would Never Wear: 1. A cowboy hat 2. a Speedo 3. Womens clothing or shoes 4. A smile 5. A rolex
5 TV Shows I like:
Those still on the air 1. Lost 2. South park 3. Attack of the Show 4. X-play 5. Hmmm nothing else I can think of
Those no longer on the air 1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer 2. Angel 3. Everybody Loves Raymond 4. ? 5. ?
5 Movies I like: 1. Eurotrip 2. Win a date with Tad hamilton 3. Coyote Ugly 4. How to Loose a guy in 10 days 5. The Notebook
5 Books I like: 1. Dragons of Autumn Twilight 2. Stephen King's Dark Tower Series 3. It by Stephen King 4. The Stand by Stephen King 5. Jurrassic Park by Michael Crichton
5 Famous people I'd like to Meet: 1. George Bush 2. Joss Whedon 3. Sara Evans 4. Sean Hannity 5. Shigura Miyomoto (Spelling is way off, he is the Creator of Super Mario and Legend of Zelda games)
5 Biggest Joys at the Moment: 1. That my ex wife and I are getting along 2. getting my own place where I will not have to drive my mom back and forth to work 3. Being able to write anything at all right now 4. My Xbox 5. Knowing that my Ex wife is going to be okay, because I will not let her give up
okay, so I spent the entire day today with the soon to be ex wife. I mean from the moment she called me after she got out of bed, until the moment she feel asleep in the living room watching "The Boogeyman"
We watched 4 movies, and talked. Also her mom called her a few times so i had to be quiet for that. And one of the guys she had been dating called. Its funny cause this guy is supposed to be a millionaire work a holic, and yet she spent all day with me and only spent 10 minutes talking to him.
I can not compete with a millionaire, but hey whatever I enjoy spending time with my ex. She has no real feelings for this guy, you can tell by the way she talks about him. There is no spark there.
I asked her at one point if she was horny, because she seemed to be. She told me she was, but that nothing was going to happen. Now it was one of those classic moments when the angel pops up on one shoulder, and the devil on the other. I could have probably started kissing her, an she would not have stopped me. She would have had sex with me and regretted me. So I listened to the damn angel and let it go.
I am not looking for sex with her, although her hotnes factor has definetlygone up about 20 points since she left me. She lost 40 pounds, (300 if you count me LOL)and cut her hair and dyed it blonde. Plus she had her glasses on and not her contacts. I want her to tell me she loves me one more time.
She told me again she wants me to be here for her through the illness, but she wants me to also find someone that will love me, and not think things are going to change if she gets better between me and her.
The thing is, if she never told me she was sick, then i would have moved on sooner than later. I am glad she told me. She thinks she is holding me back from a life I was not leading. Sure I dated a few girls. None had that spark that I wanted. The fact is that i would not trade a momnet of time with her for anyone else.
We talked about mistakes in our relationship. I told her I hated how she was going out all the time doing stuff, that I always wanted to do when we were married. She told me it was because she was kinda shallow. She said when i was married to her, idressed like I didnt care. I never fixed my hair, I always wore hawaian shirts, I was a social disater. She says i dress nice now that i am single.
These are conversations that would have been helpful 6 months ago. Oh well.I will not give up on her yet, she may see me as something she can love again, but I will do her a favor and continue to find another spark.
I just wish i knew what happens when you loose your soulmate in a divorce. I feel like I lost mine. Cause the world just isnt the same without her.
Well I guess I can have a rebachelor party now. I signed the divorce papers this morning. Not that I thought that I wouldn't. It was for the best after all, at least that is her story.
I signed the papers because its what she wanted. Not what I wanted. I wanted to stay married to her but, things happen for a reason. I stil love her and there is always going to be that love.
The divorce will be final on Monday. TOmorrow I am going to go out and find me an apartment, and a vehicle. I am going to try to move out this week. At least everything I am going to want to keep. Everything else the bank can take possession of because I am filing bankruptcy. So if updates get a little flakey you know why.
I did ask my wife if she wanted me to come over saturday night and watch movies. She seemed to act like she was not going to have anything to do. She would call me. That usually means that she has plans with another male on Saturday. I guess maybe she was only being nice to me up until this point because she wanted to make sure I signed the papers. We can see how in the next few days how she treats me if she really wants me as some part in her life. Maybe we can still be friends, but I still love her. I hold out hope that she will see she has been looking in the wrong palce for happiness, and come back to me.
I told her she needs to schedle another Dr. appointment. She has been having some major cramping and headaches. So I am still very concerned about her health. I am still planning on being there for her if she needs me.
I bought my own tarot cards. After the lawyers office we went to the park for a half an hour and we talked. I gave her a reading, it was funny
The first card I lay down for herself meant, that she needed to stay and clean up the mess of a bad situation. She thought I was lying at first. Whenit got to the card of her self image (How she sees herself) It came up as the devil. Then her outcome card at the end basicaly said she will not have to wait long for an outcome. Pretty funny.
I have never lived on my own. I have lived with her, or my parents for every bit of my 28 years on this earth. I am excited about living alone, but at the same time I am worried that I will always be alone. I guess that is normal after a divorce you did not want. You wonder if you were just easily discared, that you will never be loved the way you loved another again.
Well I am signing off. I am now the divorced part... now we move on to the dealing.
Its funny what you day dream about when you are alone.I daydream more than I probably should. As a writer I find it to be a very creative outlet. So I was laying in bed tonight after talking to the soon to be ex wife. When I got off the phone with her I started thinking about how I always wanted to be her hero.
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a hero. I wanted terrorist to take over my school, so i could save the cute girl in school, so she would notice me. Now I know I am not a tough guy. I know I am not athletic and no one is going to mitake me for spiderman if I were to swing over a bridge on a rope and save the dangling child. Okay once at a aunted house we had to swing over a mud pit and lets just say my shoes got muddy when I ran through it.
I always wanted to be someones hero. I wanted to join the police force, but I could never pass the physical, I weigh 260 pounds, 5'9" and do not look good in a uniform. But I always wanted to help people. I wanted someone to say, That man saved my life when the bank was robed because he took out the lone gunman when he was not paying attention. He was swift and dashing. And he handle him with his judo-like fighting style.
And after I got married I wanted my wife to think I was her hero. That is when I began to fantasize about how much I loved her and wanted to protect her. I used to believe that one day she would be scared and a man would get angry and try to hurt her in the office, just as i showed up.
When I would think of anything hurting her I could feel the adreniline pump through me, and it was not even realing happen. So I would feel sorry for the first guy that ever tried to hurt her and i was a witness. I may be fat but lets say anyone under a 150 pounds would no what it feels like to fly. Becuase i am very strong.
Now I just want my wife to think i am her hero. I would do anything to make her think that way again. Rescue kittens from trees, stop an alien invasion, save our neice from a hostile kidnapping plot gone wrong, or all three at the same time or maybe I just need to get some sleep.
Wow if that last sentance did not put a funny picture in your head I dont know what would.
I had put up a little to much information on my last blog message, so I took it down. Its a little too personal what is going on with her. Lets just say my soon to be ex wife is possible going to become very ill.
In the last 4 days I have talked to her on the phone, text messages, and even been to her aprtment 3 times. We talk, and we talk about the things we each failed to do in the marriage. We have talked about who we have dated and what we have done with these women. (I have been a complete gentleman, I have not even kissed anyone since her, and she does not believe it.) Some of this hurts. Because I really think she jumped the gun.
Now I dont know what to do. She told me she wants me to date, so I can move on with my life. That she is not going to get back with me. She is not seeing anyone, officially. But she broke up with a guy 2 weeks ago, and she is seeing him tonight at a friends b-day party.
I worry about her. She feels awful for everything she put me through, and she is acting like she is at the final stages of death. Like she has no chance, and she does not even know how bad it is.
I went to see her last night. She wanted me to bring over some paperwork for her bankruptcy. So I took it over to her. She made me some ice cream. Then we talked, as he evening progressed, we started talking about things. Then she started feeling sick. Throwing up and other things that come from the state of her health.
I sat by her as she got sick, rubbing her back. Just trying to comfort her. SHe has started to worry me. Then she lay in the floor and just seemed to be in agony. And we both almost fell asleep in the floor.
I left about 12:45 am,and called her from my cell phone. I came in a checked the blog while we talked. Then I tried to get off the phone about 1:00 am. She seemed to be dissappointed, so I stayed on a little longer. Till about 1:45 and she seeemed to be getting tired, so i let her go.
I really hope I am doing the right thing. Because all I can do is think about her health. I dont want her to die, and she keeps telling me I need to move on and that she will be fine. I dont want her to think that I am putting my life o hold to be with her. That just makes her feel guilty. It bothers her becuase after everything she has put me through, hurt me, and dragged by good name through the mud, I am the only person who is still standing by her.
She told me on the phone one night that she did not want me to help her through this because , "I have hurt you enough already." If I watch her suffer, she is not hurting me. I want to be there for her, to help her cope. Everyone does stupid things, and hers has cost her her friends at work. No one at her job talks to her anymore. Becuase they found out one way or another that she had lied about me. They found out I never cheated on her.
And for you people who love the tarot cards I want to let you in on a reading a friend of mine game me. I can't remember the names of the cards but it was a King Arthur deck so I will tell you the cards. Very revealing. It was a love on past present future.
Past= Morgan Le Faye= It means deciet, a lier, giving off an illusion. It meant that some one in the past had lied to me, a past realtionship. That could only represent my wife. Its to uncanny, but it gets weirder yet.
Present=TOWER= the single worst card in the deck. It means total anniliations, it is destroyed, no hope of fixing it, over, demolished. Well the only thing I can think of is my marriage is destroyed, over gone.
Future = Lovers = Pretty self explanitory. Now here is the weird thing. Who was this card. The girl I wanted to know about has not spoke to me in a week. So its obvious that she is not my lover. So its very interesting who this lover card is.
Well I came, I saw, I blogged later. And you should pray for my wife. Even if you have read this blog and hate her. I wish everyone would send a little prayer for me or her, cause my life is in utter turmoil.
My divorce will be final on Monday. 6 more days until I become another statistic.
Fun fact you should know. The #1 divorce capital in the world is Las Vegas. The #2 is Evansville, IN where I live. Scary huh.
I am sitting here writing my blog, waiting on my iwfe to call me. She has some news to tell me, and I am not sure what it is exactly. I am not sure if it is her health, if she has found someone, or if she is moving away from town. All I know for sure is that she said she could not take care of the dogs any longer.
We have two dogs, a Minpin and Pug. Buster and Tiki. I have mentioned them before. I love those dogs but I am not 100% I can take them. I have no idea when and where I will be moving to. The divorce will be final on the 13th. I sign the paper work for the lawyer this week. All I can think about right now is that my wife may be sick, or going to get sick.
You know I wished some bad stuff on here to happen to her. I never meant any of it. It all came from anger, resentment, and the fact that I dont believe I will ever love someone like I loved her. I always thought it would be better if I were a widow. I hate myself for that right now. Becuase I feel like Karma is hitting her now, and its all my fault. Becuase I wished it.
She has told me lies beforebut this time i believe she is telling the truth, and I think it has to do with her health. She started to confess things to me. That she had been dating the maintence guy, that they fooled around and that she waited until we were sepreated for it to happen. She told me that she was seeing another guy, but nothing more. I told her what i had been doing. Seeing girls and dating also, but had not fooled around.
She told me she was sorry that she had lied about me to her friends, and she had did it because she had been unhappy for a long time. The thing she has yet to realize is that she is looking for others to make her happy. She has lost the gift to look inside herself to find happiness. We can only help to make another person happy, they have to come the other half on their own.
I have hope that maybe I can save her, I know before she dies she will say it to me again. She will tell me she loves me. I can feel it. But in the end if her health is failing, then if I win her heart back, I will still loose her in the end. But I have to try.
Becuase till Death do us part. Isnt that in the vows we speak. Love,honor, and cherish. In sickness and in health. The only one she forgot was To forsake all others.
I love my wife, and if she is sick I do not want her to go alone. But isn't it true, we all die alone. But whatever she tells me I know where I want to be. I want to be holding her in my arms and wiping the sweat off her brow when she goes.
Life shouldnt be this hard. It just shouldnt, why cant we just find a way to love those that love us. To not be stupid and make mistakes. Why cant we read each others minds and figure out why we are damaging our relationships.
If I could right now I would take he sickness, and take it into my own body and save her. Whatever it is, she should not suffer, and she is suffering. Becuase it broke my heart today when I got into my truck to drive away and she waved at me. She has not waved at me since she left me.
All I could imagine her saying as I pulled away was help me.
The funny thing is the dream i had a week ago foreshadowed some of this. Her confession to me about what she had done, about how she was sorry. How I told her I was sorry. All I need now is to kiss her and make love to her again, and then I will have been a bonafide psychic.
Then Again, if I was a psychic, I would have been able to read her mind and none of this would have happened.
I have avoided looking at pictures of my wife. Tonight I did that. What I see in those pictures is not the same girl who is divorcing me. This girl is smiling and not bitter. I miss that wife. She had long flowing hair, that reached to the middle of her back. Now she has short, "sassy" hair that doesnt even reach her shoulders.
She had gotten her hair cut the night before we had the fight that lead to her reason for divorce. I think she was planning to fight with me that weekend anyway. She had been lying to people about me before this point anyway. I think she was hoping to make herself more sexy and the hair was the last step before the end.
I just want to see karma really take a bite out of her ass. I want her to feel for once how what she had done to me makes me feel. I want her to drive past my house/apartment whatever, and wonder who is with me. I want her to know what it feels like to have to sleep in a bed that you made love in several times a week with the person you wanted to make love to several times a week for the rest of your life, and no that she aint coming back. I want her to have to live in a house that was supposed to be our hopes and dreams, where she told me we would raise our kids. I want her to live here everyday and suffer.
I want her to feel like the only person in the world that loved her doesn't care about her. I want her to feel miserable. I want every bad thing in the world that she deserves to happen to her happen.
I want all this to happen so I can watch, and cry. Becuase even if it happened it still not going to change anything, it still will hurt me because I love her more than she deserves.
But what do you know. I am one of the last of a dying breed. I am a guy that cares, and loved, and wanted to stay married to one woman for the rest of my life.
Why are we a dying breed, because women dont want us. They want the cheating slimeball asshole disrespectful and uncaring men. We are being breed out of existance because the assholes are the evolved male. They have confidence, good looks, and the bank accounts. And the women swoon.
It does not pay to be a nice guy anymore. I tried to be the best husband I could be. I gave in to most anything that she wanted. In the end, I was still not good enough. I still feel like she left me for an asshole, of course she wont admit that they were anymore than friends. Why because she never cheats on me. At least that is what she tells me.
I still remember when I had a truck accident, she got made and left that night, and stayed out at the apartments she runs. She packed lingiere in her bag, and had called a member of her staff that night from her cell phone at 12:30 AM, right after she got off the phone with me at 12:27AM saying she was going to sleep. I know cause I knew something was up. I checked her cell phone when she came home. And seen she had called this guy.
Why do you leave your husband with lingere in your bag, and call another man after you tell your husband your going to be. I can only think of one reason. I dont know if they did that night. The next day I talked to her, and convinced her that she needed to stay and I would do anything to keep her.
I never mentioned the lingere, the phone call, and the love note I found the next day i her purse. Becuase I was happy she was just home. She doesnt know that I know. But I did and I let it go.
If she would just come back now, i probaly would let anything that has happened recently go also. I wish Icould hate her. But I just cant because I still feel like she needs to be protected from the world.
I wish I could just turn the other cheek and ruin her life, but it hurts and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
The countdown as I set here is at 11 days now. That is when the 60 day mark hits for my divorce. I really need to read up on what the next step is. I really need a lawyer, but she made all the money in the relationship, and all my money is tied up in staying above water.
All I know is that the State of Indiana has to have a file for divorce in existance for 60 days. After that i guess we start dividing up assesst. I dont look forward to that. All Iwant is this old computer, my tvs, my video games and consoles.
A few weeks ago she asked me to bring her guitar to her. I told her I would if she went out to lunch with me. I love to watch her cry when she has these moments of clarity when she realizes what she has done and what she is loosing for nothing. I also miss her company to.
I hate how my life is going right now. I feel trapped by life right now. Everyone sees my hard front. The one that looks strong and solid and just wants all this to be over. No one sees behind the looking glass. The boy who only wanted three things in life. He wanted to be Married to Sarah, raise a child, and be a famous writer. At the rate things are going none of this will be accomplished by the time I am dead. In fact the only thing I accomplished is the married to Sarah part.
I miss the trips we would go on at the spur of the moment. I have seen the zoos in Nashville, and St. Louis because one day she just wanted to go. I miss my dogs, and how happy they made her. I miss seeing the smile on her face when I put them there. I just dont know why this is happening to me.
So she is right, I am not mature, I keep holding on to the boy in me instead of being the man that needs to not care. But the man told her that he would protecting her from anything, but he cant protect her from herself.
So here I sit again, another nigh crying about what is lost, and nothing will come out of this wasted night. Its times like this that I believe that the only use I have in life is to be useless.
But the Man in me is to strong to give in and find the one of the few things my dad left, his pistol. I will never kill myself. I tried that once when I was a teenager. I was going to slit my wrist and the only thing that saved me was at the moment I started to do it. A freind of mine called me and My next door neighbr knocked on the door. They saved my life that day. So I have a destiny.
I just wish my destiny crossed paths with my wife. She will always have my heart, and she is the only one who can give it back. I just what to feel important again, like I matter to something.
Yet all I know is I need to get some sleep. I have 11 days left and i am going to need all the sleep I can fit into these long insomniatic nights.
If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be. If it doesn't the grapes were probably to sour anyway. Wait is that how it goes :)
Welcome to Hendy's world. A world full of danger. Boredom, Puppies, Video Games, and Heart. You cant forget the heart. Oh and did I mention videogames.
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Blades of The Tiger book one of the Taladas Dragonce Trilogy
Return of the Exile Book 3 in the Dragonlance Linsha Majere trilogy. It was a good read, I enjoyed the entire trilogy amd ended beter than I had hoped. 
Stephen King's On writing I admit i loved what i read of this book but I never got around to actually finsihing it. But it is a very important book to me. 
Conspiracy X It was a role playing game that took alot of the best things from the X files and made it it into a game. I loved this game and even became friends with the authors, which leads me to my second important book
Angel: The Role Playing Game The book is important to me because I helped write it. Eden studios let me on the additonal writers because they knew how dedicated I was to them and thier company. This won Role Playing game of the Year Last year at Origins (A role playing convention)
Tales of Uncle Trapspringer, this book is special. I never read it. It will always be special because its the first thing my Ex Wife ever bought me. She bought it for me on our second meeting, cause whenI was showing her what i enjoyed, I noticed it and did not have it. I laughed it off, saying I will have to pick it up later. 
The Stand because it is Stephen frickin King thats why this book is special
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Never was any good at making a bed
Closet, with clothes
I am glad you guys did not tag me on the book debate. I love me some books (Mostly Dragonlance and Stephen King but he
Important Blogs
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