My dealing with a divorce, coming to term with it, the stress of it and the search to find love again.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Breakdowns, the help, and a rant about the NINTENDO piss.. I mean wii
Well how is everyone doing. I have not written much lately. I had run out of valuable stuff to say. Its more that than my Xbox 360, I play it alot still, but nothing exciting is really going on with me.
We hired a friend of Ray o Sunshine to work at our store. And it is funny cause it is the same girl that Ray-o-sunshine joked around with me about if I thought she was cute. I still dont have a nickname for her yet, so i will have to keep working on that. But no worries, unlike other people I know, i am not hitting on co-workers or doing anything to make them uncomfortable, she is 11 years younger than me and has not graduated high school yet. (This apparently has not stopped other people I have worked with in the past)
I had a crying spell last night after I got off work. I just had a moment of totally lonliness, and wishing that my ex wife and I could have worked things out. It has been a year and I hate that I still have these spells. I wonder sometimes if she has that same feeling, if she regrets it. I have not a spell like that in 2 months, so i guess I was due for one.
No prospects on the dating front. Everyone thinks I took the entire thing with bank girl a little harsh, and maybe I did. But I really doubt I could ask her out, I am just not good at it. And there is this mental block that just keeps from doing something dangerous like that. Okay not dangerous, but risky. I am not even sure its a confidence thing, because the fact is, I have never really gone out with a girl and her turn me down for a second date if i asked. But I just have a hard time with the risk taking aspect, and the embarrasment. So its easier for me to find women online. So I guess if i knew Bank Girl was looking, and single it would have helped.
On to the Xbox 360 front. I love Battlefield 2: Modern Combat. PC players scoff at how this console version of battlefield could even be fun compared to the pc. Well maybe I love it cause I never played the pc version. But I have never been a PC gamer.
Nintendo gave the final name for its new system, the Nintendo Wii (prounouced WE) and all I have to say is that has got to be an even dumber name then the Xbox 360. Yes they explain why they are calling it this, something about connectivity and blah blah blah. I was planning on gettting one after it was released, but unfortanately it is not worth it now. Its only a little more powerful than a the current generation Game Cube, the controller is the dumbest idea ever for a video game system, and it only connects to the internet wirelessly. I dont have a wireless connection, and i am not spending the money to go wirelessly because it can cuase drop outs in the middle of a game. I cant have a game of Battlefield dropping me out and loosing my scare every hour for no reason.
Yeah I gues there are good wireless connection, but friends of mine have a wireless connection and I hear this every weekend.. Opps I lost connection the the internet, I cant find where it is connected, oh let me reconfigure this.. o there we go. Nope to much work. Nintendo has lost my business... I dont care how cheap the system is, if I cant get the most bang for my buck, then screw em.. how hard would it have been to include an ethernet connection on the back of the fucking system..
Well Rant over,
Have a good day, and make sure to visit my Xbox 360 blog as it tells all kind of stories about me.
I had to work Friday night. Which i do almost every friday night. No big deal to me. tree hugging hippie was working with me also. It was a pretty slow night.
A women came in with her 2 children. Littles girls, one was 7 and the other was like 3-4. They both start running around the store, hitting shelves and knocking movies in the floor. THH said very nicely, almost in a funny way, "Kids the life guard said you need to quit running around the pool, or she will put you in time out.
usually this is folowed by, "get over here right now!" instead white trash momma says, "What did she say to you?" For the most part they behave, until they come up to the register.
THH waits on white trash momma, when the little girl again starts running back and forth in front of the wooden floor. CLomping her flip flops as loud as she can. Then runs back and forth again.
THH again speaks up, "Girls Quit running before you hurt yourself."
Now White trash momma has just watched her kids do this, she could hear the clomping, because there were people in LA thinking it was an earthquake. Instead of telling her children to behave, she opens with this.
"These are my children, and you dont need to talk to them in that way."
THH responds with, "well i am just trying to keep them from getting hurt, they dont need to be running around the store."
WTM: Well if they are running around you need to let me know, and I will tell them to stop running, not you.
Did i miss something here. She seen them creating a disturbance. Not once did she tell them to behave. She ignored it and let them do what they wanted. So she started to leave the store, gathered up her items, and told her girls to come on.
Now when you read this next part, i want you to know I am not a heartless bastard, but if karma can be a little bitch, I can laugh at the results of it. WTM gives Torrie a dirty look as she leaves, you can hear in her mind, "You will rue the day you tried to make my children behave. Mhwahahahahaha"
The little girl opens the door and takes off running toward her car. And trips and slides across the asphalted drive way, skinning up her knee. She started bawaling. Yes it probably hurt, and I feel bad for the little girl, but I could not stop laughing.
White Trash momma felt like an idiot, and she deserved it. People like that should have CPS on there ass for being negligent. These are the children's parents of our future. Oh well.
I hope you agree with mr on my canidate for mother of the year.
Okay, this is a little creepy. My 360 is now keeping an online blog about my habits. Or at least it will be in a few days.I looked at several other 360's that keep there own blog.
Its just a neat little program that I will get some humor out of and hopefully you guys do also.
I have a few funny stories to tell you tomorrow when I actually update this thing, I dont really feel like it at the moment. So everyone have a good night, and visit my 360's blog in the near future.
Well constand reader, I think I have oficial called the bank girl saga over. And like the the cold war, it happened with barly a shot fired. You see I was bummed this week. A friend had said some nasty things on my blog. But one of the things that he said may not have been nasty.., it was the truth.
I went in to the bank on Tuesday, and I went up to a teller, and then I seen bank girl come out of a side room, we looked at each other, I said hi, and she just walked on by with out saying anything. Like I never exsisted.
I took this as a terrible blow to my ego. I know that i am not much in the way of confidence, but if she was even remotely inrested in me then she would have acknowledge me. So i think the book is probably closed on this ever happening. Besides we know I am a big pussy and was never going to ask her out.
Maybe we can get SOLE to start up a business like Hitch. Then he can help those lovable looser like myself to get the women they want, how about it Sole LOL.
So I guess in the next few weeks I am going to hit the online personals, update with a better pic, the ex says I need one with a smile, and maybe holding my dog Tiki. So we can get that set up. Plus maybe a haircut is in order.
So goodnight fellow travellers. All my bruised ego and I are signing off.
I hope you guys had a wonderful Easter. Nothing special here. I did not paint Easter eggs, and I did not get an Easter basket, or a gosh damn chocolate rabbit. I really wanted a white chocolate rabbit this Easter and I could not find one for myself.
So what's been up. Not much. I have been a little pissed at my friend who left what I call a rather nasty comment on here. I just want to go over a few things real fast.
One thing I am is cautious. I don't make rash decisions anymore. I cant afford to jump into things very fast. I like safe and calm, its just me. Why have I not asked out bank girl. Well your right, I don't like rejection. And I am afraid right now, that if I get rejected I am not sure how my emotional state can handle it.
Yes, I have dated since my divorce, every women I have dated since my divorce I met over a dating service online. Its easier to ask out those women because of two reasons. One: You are pretty sure they are single, hence the reason they are on a dating site. Two: If they say no, no big deal, you never have to see them again.
This girl works at the bank I go to everyday that I work during day shift. So if I get turned down, I don't want it to be awkward between us.
Yes I do understand that I may sound like a putz because I can't ask a girl out. But when I try to work through my head as to what to do, I don't think it makes me a depraved stalker. If I start saying, "I wonder which car she drives" and watching from a business when she gets off work to find out, that could be seen as stalking. Following her home, that would be stalking.
Also, I never really said that she was flirting with me, I said I was trying to flirt with her. She has said hi to me a few times when I come into the bank, and even come over and said hi while doing something else. Does that mean she is in love with me, no. I don't think that. Yes she could have an interest, but I am not saying that she is just not being friendly.
All this is new to me, and everyone is right, if I would just ask her out, then we could get this drama over with. And I am not saying I will never do it, but I need to drum myself up for this. And sadly, I am the only one who gets hurt if I don't. (Okay technically if she likes me, she may suffer because I never asked her out, but lets just take this from a selfish standpoint, since it is my blog :)
And also I would like to point out, this is not a cry for attention. That really set me off. A cry for attention is when people make stuff up so they can feel more important. There is not a fucking thing on this blog that is not 100% to my knowledge, not true. Sure I value other blog posters opinions, but they come here to read about me because they want to. Its not that I drug them from other sites and highjacked them. If they like to read about me, then they do.
This blog was created for one reason, and one reason alone. It was a place to put my thoughts out there for me to get things off my chest. I put everything out there that I want. If you read it, great, if not that's fine also.
Further more, I have not had a degenerative mental state. I have been doing a lot better lately. I don't escape my problems, I deal with them. I understand my circle of friends think that I am using the Xbox 360 as an escape. Well we can all say that yes it is an escape, but I still deal with my issues, I can think about my problems and play a silly little game all I want to. Its called multitasking.
Oh and to others who read this blog, I am not going to give up my "idiot box". The thing about it is, its what I do for enjoyment, if you don't like me talking about it, then don't read my fucking blog. 90% of the games I play are "online". Meaning I am talking with people that I value as friends. Masta Chief (Allan) is my best online friend. A guy that has been there for me since the divorce, who gets worried when I am not online for at least once a week. Who will actually call me from England and even told me that he is going to pay to bring me over for vacation at some time in the future. So I am not giving up my Xbox. And yes when I get into another relationship, I will spend a lot less time on it.
Well I have vented a little bit. I feel better, I think you are an Ass dogolopee. I have known that for years so I guess I should have not took it as hard as I did. But I am over it and your still my friend. Now I am going to get off here. If I pissed off anyone who reads this blog I am sorry. But its my story. And I am sticking to it.
Okay guys still no move on bank girl, could not have even if i wanted to. She was working the teller window again. She never seems to work the line anymore.
I think i have a lot of big hangups aout asking her out. I am worried about if she has a boyfriend or not. I thought about maybe asking her co worker just a little bit about her. (She always cuts up with Lukrativ and I) I am just not sure if that is a good idea or not. But it would give me a lot more courage if I know she is single. Anyway
I came home tonight, early from hanging with my friends. A little sadnes enterd my heart today, and I let it in, just a pinch. A year ago today, I had sex with my life for the last time. Afterward she gathered up the dogs, their toys, and left.
Afterward I slipped my wedding band off. I knew this divorce would happen this time. It was supposed to be a better night. She was supposed to stay the whole night with me, but she had other places to be.
One year. In the last year, the best day of my life, felt like the worst day of my life when I was with her. But I survived. I have been ahppy, sad, and every emotion inbetween.
My ring finger still bears the scar. The first week I took the ring off, I was told that three months down the road it would be gone. My "flesh ring" would fade away.
After three months and it was still there, they told me wait til 6 months. At 6 months nothing had changed. They said give it another three months.
I gave it a year. Its still here. It has not faded, it has not gone away. I still see a wedding band on my finger. And I was a little worried about that. And I thought about it on the way home.
maybe when we make a promise before God, so deep in our hearts, that our bodies will always show the scar if we fail. I loved Sarah, and more than anything I wanted to be with her forever. So maybe I have to wear the marlk of our failure because I wanted it so bad, that it scarred me.
But I think tonight God had other plans. I visit a website every week. www.postsecret.com
I read it every sunday when they update the page. Well somehow this postcard someone sent in said it all for me tonight. About how stupid an scared I am being. This postcard I am guessing, was put up last week. I am not sure how I missed it, in fact I am suprised I even found it tonight. But I want you to read it and see if you think God is reaching out to me with it.
This image is from the Post secret website, and I hope somebody does not sue me for using it.
So Do you think God just told me to ask out bank Girl as indirectly as he could. (In case you guys are not able to read the card, It says "Stop Being a Coward, Take the Risk, I'm Worth it"
Goodnight all Robert "Even God just told me to grow some testicles" Wood
Well not much to talk about today. Life is pretty okay at the moment. It could be better, it could be worse. It just a could be kind of of day. Anything can happen on a could be day right?
Lukrativ told me he is going to buy me a gift card for our store for me to give to bank girl. He wants me to give it to her so she would have a reason to come into my video store, and I would look like a nice guy. I just think given gifts to someone you don't really know is just kind of creepy.
He said he has tried it before, and its worked. All I know is that if you give a girl a gift, you best damn sure so it in person, or at least leave your name on it, so she knows who you are. Don't put Secret Admirer and your phone number. Why do you ask? Because you get called a stalker, and her brother threatens to beat you up.
Of Course brother would have made a mistake coming up in my house and threatening me. My two best friends were living with me at the time. But Hey whatever, it was my first time I tried something different to get a girls attention. High school is a funny time. I am just hoping when I do ask her out, or do something that I don't get threatened.
I am calming down a little more. I think I am working up the courage to ask her out. I am getting to the point that my life is lonely. Sure I have my friends and my Xbox 360, but without the USB sex toy Attachments , it does not stimulate me like a women can.
Sunday is coming up, and it will be a year since I had sex. Me and the ex had a one last tie night. I felt bad afterwards. It was not exactly how I planned it. Trust me I am not really looking for sex. I want the whole package. I want someone to watch movies with, someone who will make me feel better when I am down. Someone to spend the entire night talking to. And yes sex could not hurt. Its been so long since I had it I probably forgot ho anyway.
I have been walking a little taller, smile a little more. I try to smile at all women now. No matter how out of my league they may seem.
On to other news, Ray o Sunshine is quitting after next week. I sure will miss her. She was like a little kid sister. Now who is going to worry about what I eat. Oh well.
Oh and by the way, i had a great day sitting around and playing my Xbox. Much more fun than I would have going out to the park and being outside. But I will probably do that. I may see about getting me a laptop in the fall. I think if I could get a laptop and take it to the park I would do a lot more writing.
Good day all, gettign ready to go put my money down on Battlefield 2: Modern Combat for the 360. I have been dying for this game to come out.
Well I have been enjoying Xbox this morning since about 6 am. I woke up and decided I just wanted to spend most of the day playing it. Spent half the morning on a Game called Oblivion, and speaking to one of my online friends F3RN0. (Ferno in case you are not 133t). We were both playing the same game, but its not multiplayer, but at least I could help him out, since he just got the game this morning. I could walk him through the questions he had, since it is a long rather difficult game.
I did Finish my first 360 game. Ghost Recon, and it was awesome. I went to the competition and rented Call of Duty 2. After a while of playing it, I just got bored with it. I wanted it because everyone told me it was good, but Next week Battlefield 2: Modern Combat comes out and I know I want that one.
Sorry about the 360 talk, just wanted to update my blog while I am downloading a demo of the new Tomb Raider game. Oh how I loved those games in the day. There has not been a good one in years, but hopefully this one will be awesome.
Well nothing to report on the bank girl front. Since I wont be going to the bank again until next Tuesday. Oh well. Its not like I would ask her out yet anyway. But hey who knows. I think it will happen. I can feel it.
Anyway good night all. And I will catch you later.
Okay, so I did not get to be waited on by bank girl today. I was disappointed because I could see her all the way over by the teller window, hoping to catch her eye so I could smile or something.
And about half way through my transaction, I lost all hope when another car pulled to her window. So I was pretty certain she would not even notice me today. But God had other plans methinks.
Seems the lady she had at her bank window had a rather large check or something to cash. Bank girl had not been there as long as everyone else, because she could not remove the funds without permission.
Well another girl called to her and told her that she could handle the transaction. So Bank Girl brought it to the teller next to me, looked up and smiled...
"Hello." She Breathed. Following with that smile that just melts me like ice cream in summer, well all right
"Hi." I tell her back, trying to put as much as much manliness in my voice as I could muster, without trying to do a super hero impression. I followed it up with another smile.
"How are you doing?" She asked me, while looking into my eyes. I replied I was fine, and asked her how she was doing, she said fine and my bank transaction was finished. I told the two of them to have a good day, and smiled at her as I walked off.
So I am sure she asks everyone what kind of day they are having right? Nothing out of the ordinary. But why do I feel like I hear birds freaking singing when she talks to me. I am sick. It has to be that. Ack this is too much pressure.
I still have the little card in my pocket, but I feel like I am about to take a chance, maybe. I am just nervous. Man I wish this were easier. In third grade you could always send your friend over to talk to the girl for you. Now I just don't think that is as cute when your pushing 30.
Okay I sit here tongiht, nervous. I am trying to go through asking out bank girl. I have taken alot of peoples advice, and put together a conclusion.. I am a big ole' pussy.
I made out a little card with my name and phone number o it. I can drop it off to her and ask her to call me. I just dont think i am going to e able to do anything. I am so nervous. I am sitting here shaking. I am tweeking out, ack...
I can not figure out why this girl I know truly nothing about is making me feel this way. It defies the laws of chemistry. I dont get it. It cant be love, maybe is fucking phermones, i dont know. Maybe she does think i am cute and she gets worked up when she sees me and i get worked up because of that. I am literally chewing on my fist right now as I type this. I only ge nervous like this before dates, this is really unlike me.
Its like part of me wants to ask her out so bad, and the other part does not want to be rejected and they are at war with each other. Its not fair I tell you. Right now If I were a betting man, I am going to say the safe bet would be that i am going to chicken out.
So I pray to God for Guidance as always. I ask those of you who pray to also do the same.
Welcome to Hendy's world. A world full of danger. Boredom, Puppies, Video Games, and Heart. You cant forget the heart. Oh and did I mention videogames.
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