Friday, September 02, 2005

looking to the Stars

Audrey had wrote a post a few days called Missing the Stars. It really touched me deep somewhere in my heart. So tonight I went outseide and looked at them again. Its been awhile since I realy have. I bet its been about a year.

Often in high school i would lay sprawled out in the fresh cut grass of the front yard of our mobile home lot. With my hands behind my head and just staring at the sky. Then my parents bought a ford van, and we quit driving the station wagon. After that i would lay on the hood of that car and stare at the sky. Most of the time i would beg go to bring someone to love me. Sometimes i would even fall asleep underneath the stars from the hood of that station wagon.

Life moved on, my neighbor Kristen and i would often lay out and look at the stars at night. She was three years younger than me but we talked as equals. We spent almost every waking moment together. Her and Ben were my best friends. I loved her. I have not talked to her in years. I don't think she cared much for Sarah. I don't think she cared much for Keely either, she never warned me to stay away from Sarah. She did Keely.

I heard she is getting married soon. Her mom works with Ben. Some days I wish she was still around us, she moved away to college. She would tell me about what I should be doing with my life. And Since I have known her since she was 9 I would listen to her advice. maybe.

As I got older I got my own car after I graduated from High School and started my first job. Dubbed by my dad as, "Bubba's Banana Boat". He was such a great guy and I really miss him too. I would lay out on it, and look at the stars.

Then there is when my buddies Mike and Will tried to teach me judo. I learned fighting maunevers, stances, and throws. I was strong and took a liking to it. We would all spar in the front yard. I would spend a lot of time staring at the sky when I would get thrown for a loop.

WHen I moved in with Sarah, it was a lot harder to stare at the sky. We lived in an apartment and had nowhere to lay and stare at the sky. It would be over two years before i really studied the sky again.

The next time I would really look at the stars would be in January of 2000. From the outdoor jacuzzi of French Lick Spring Resorts on our honeymoon. I can still remember the feelings i had that first night under stars in the frigid January air. Making out in a hot tub and literally feeling like we were the only ones in a HUGE Hotel.

We moved to a house, it was far away from alot of the bright lights, and it was on the North end of town. Sometimes Sarah and I would lay a blanket out on the ground, bring a few pillows and just lay out there.In each others arms. Listening to crickets chirp, and watching the lightning bugs blink in and out. Most of the time we would come in after an hour or so and slip off to our rooms, and make love.

The last time before tonight that I looked at the sky was after Sarah left me. I was in the back of our house. Crying and asking God why he would take her from me. Why she had not come home yet. Why he felt the neccisaty to take the only thing I ever loved away from me. I am not sure where me and God stand right now. I am not sure why I even still believe. I am not sure why a diety with invinite power could see how a person who had only one thing going for him, one piece that made his life worth living, and decide to snatch it away like a thief in the night.

So who knows were I will be when I look to the sky for any amount of time in the future. I would hope I would have a more clear path in mind when i do. Maybe my life will be in a better place. I am not saying now its all bad, but I can definately see how I would make it better if i had the possibilites.The sad thing is that we look to the skies, and we feel comfort. Hope that if something like that can shine for that long, then maybe we can all shine in our futures too.

Well guys good night, this blog is over, its been a few weeks since I creid but this drudged up some memories.