Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I hate Holidays

I really hate the holidays. To me there really is no point to the Holidays. I know I am the outcaste here. But most of you have someone to spend the Holidays with, and to me they are a constant reminder that I failed to live up to my big dream.

Some people are born to be Doctors, and Lawyers, and Construction workers. Me, I was born to be one thing. I was born to be a father. And so a few years ago when I was married and one step closer to my dreams the Holidays were always anxious times for me. We would hear the Parental Units asking us when we were going to have kids. And then we would try and try... nothing.

So when I got divorced, I relized that I was one step further from life dreams. Then found out the reason why we could not have kids was more than likely me. So it crushed me.

So everytime this time of years roll around I get more depressed than normal. And my life failures become more apparant. You know I had this picture in my head of gathering around the table and eating dinner with our families and kids and it just hurts to realize this time of year I have none of that.

I eat with the only family I have. My mom and my friends. And as good as it is, and not to hurt anyones feelings. It just feels empty. There's love, but a different kind of love to me. I dont know why the holidays are hard, because all they are is another day of regrets. Same as the day before, and probably the same as the day after.

Oh well I guess I will be okay, depression is like a rollar coaster ride anyway. You have your ups and your down. But just thinking about thanksgiving this year really has me down in the dumps.

But I hope everyone of my readers have a Happy Thanksgiving and cling tight to those you love.