Saturday, July 15, 2006

Because I Deserve It

"There is Always life In a living Man"- Scottish Proverb

"If you could not live without me, then why aren't you dead yet."- I have no clue who said this


This too phrases mean different things to me. They are phrases that have lived so deep within my soul that have tourtured me for the last 15 months. Why have they tortured me?

Because I loved someone so much that when she decided she could not love me anymore, I fell apart. There is no easy way to say that. You can not sugar coat it. I loved my ex wife more than anything on this planet.

Or for the last 15 months everything I felt, I feel like I deserved. Maybe because I was not the best husband in the world, because I was comfortable. I told her everyday i loved her, I guess I did not say it to her the way that she wanted to hear it. I guess when you tell someone the same thing everyday, 10 times a day, it makes it almost a robotic response. To me it was not. it was how I felt.

And when she left me I wanted to die. And there are some days I would like a quick death, but I keep forgeting the other saying. I am still alive, losing her alone did not kill me. I have slowly done that to myself.

This is where I am. I want to try a new relationship with someone. At least get to know someone. Yes you all know of who i speak. And I know why it scares me. Because it boils down to this.

This is not some girl I seen on the internet. This is live flesh and blood. And I noticed her the first time I seen her, and I knew she was pretty. But at the time I was really too preoccupied with my worthless life. I was dating a girl that frankly had no feelings for, because she was a pot head, who did not care for me much eithier I am guessing.

And the thing is, that I may have ignored the girl at the bank, but she made a mistake. She started talking to me, joking with me, smiling at me. Yes this may all be part of her personality, or part of her job description. And that is what did scare me.

Its not that i dont think she is interested, because I think there is that posibility. But I think the big thing is... I feel like I deserve it.

Thats right for once in my life I feel like I deserve something, something besides pain and misery and rejection. I feel like I deserve a girl who has a pretty smile, pretty hair, a wonderfully sweet personality, a girl who loves butterflies and the color purple. A girl who would want to see me at the end of the day, who would want to wake up next to me, and who may someday want to carry my child, because I am a good person.

I dont know if the girl is that interested, I dont think at this point she is because well, you know I have not even asked her out. But that does not mean I dont deserve these things. But because I think I deserve it does not mean that it will happen. And there is a thousand reasons she could say no, but there is only one reason I want her to say yes...

Because I deserve it.

Sorry ladies if this post came a little bit "all about me-ish" I do not mean to sound smug and arrogant, but long time readers are more likely to understand.

Have a good Night