Saturday, August 06, 2005

What Makes People Do the Things They Do?

Its been a weird day. I say that often to myself, but today just seemed odd. Ever since last night I was not able to sleep. I started thinking about the ex and just could not get my mind off how she is doing, is she okay, does she even think about me anymore.

I was never going to get to sleep at this rate, so I went to my trusted friend the Xbox and played some Ghost Recon Summit Strike, Met some new online friends. And just tried to get my mind off everything. I did not get to bed until somewhere around 4:30 am.

The alarm clock jolted me awake. I have the worlds loudest alarm clock. It went off at 7 am this monring. I had to go over to my moms apartment and wait for the cable people. I took my laundry with me, because its free to do the laundry over there. I do it myslef I would never take my laundry and drop it off for her to do. I have to be responsible now and that includes laundry.

Ben meets me at the door. Holding a newspaper turned to the obits. He shows me a name and I did not recognize right away. A 32 year old man. I shruged as I read the name. It did not seem to be anyone I knew. He told me to keep reading.

I seen his sisters, as he was survived by his wife and daughter. I was confused. Ben had not told me his sister was geting a divorce. If he did I must have blocked it out. With my own problems.

Ben said he and his sister had split. They both had been arrested on drug charges several times, his sister was a heavy meth user, and at one point Ben's mother was responsible for her grandchild, and her daughter. The only way Ben's sister could see her baby if her mother took resposibility for the both of them. 25 years old and your mother still has to take care of you because you cant take care of yourself.

Her husband (soon to be ex husband) had been calling her family members threatening to kill her and his daughter. And then shoot himself, this had been going on for 2 weeks. He called her the night before he died to ask them to come over. For once in her life April made the right decission.

Her husband was living with his father. He left him alone for ten minutes. Mark found his dad's old shotgun, stuck it into his mouth, and blew his fucking head off. Literaly. There was nothing left above the shoulders.

I was glad April was okay. Hopefuly she can get her ass straight. I doubt it. Its an addiction, she is addicted to bad guys, drugs, and she has always been that way. She is one of the lost souls that has not found her way in this world. She has been married, divorced, swinger, lesbian, straight, meth head, crack head, and mother of 2.

Tuesday i am going to meet with Ben. He is going to teach me how to fire a weapon. I have never fired a gun. Something inside me tells me that I should learn this. I am not sure why. I just feel like it will come in handy for future refrences. (No not for Suicide or Murder). Ben has a nice arsenal of rifles, and his step dad has a nice arsenal of pistols. They live out in the middle of nowhere so it should be a good way to let off some steam.

Ben brought up the girl he works at Walmart with again. He said he told her that he had a friend who was interested in her. She seemed interested, but then again he did not tell her who. She left work the night he told her that, and had not been back til last night (Over a week I take it) She was in a car accident. Ben said she told him that she was thinking about what he had said and wham car accident.

She is going to be real dissapointed, I am not anything to worry and not concentrate on important things over. I hate my love life. I am so confused, I dont want to settle for the first thing after my divorce, but I dont want to ruin destiny's plan if it is destiny. Life was so much easier when I had a soul mate. I found A very attractive. But have no clue about anything she has been through in the last 10 years. I like Mandi too, and I am not trying to rush things there, but it seems to be coming along nicely.

I think its the loneliness that is eating at me. I never knew what it felt like to be with people and just feel like I am the only one there, in my head.

I got the internet hooked up at Moms. Then took a 45 minute nap on the couch. When she got home we went to the grocery. She bought me the foillowing items. A huge watermellon, 2 12 packs of RC, a 12 pack of minute maid Lemonade, 2 packages of Lunch Meat, and a 6 pack of Mikes Hard Lemonade.

I dropped her at home. Showed her for the 400th time how to use a computer and check her email. Which I will have to explain again the next time I see her. I drove home.

I still need to get the damn stereo fixed in my car. I bought a portable boom box a few days ago, so I could at least listen to something on the way to and fro. Well this morning I broke the antena with my laundry basket, So now I have no reception.

I get home. My neck is killing me still, I really fudged it up good. I may have to go to the Dr. if it does not clear up soon. I was hungry when I got home. I dont know why I turned down my mothers offer to stay for chicken. I guess cause I just wanted to be home, it had been a long day and I was ehausted.

I decided to cook spaghetti. I had bought a loaf of french bread, and preheated the oven to 400 to cook my bread. I opened the door to put the bread in and had not opened it all the way so while I was slipping the bread pan in there, the oven door swung up. I was lucky when it slammed against my arm, it was turned sideways. If it had been palm down it could have been a pretty bad burn. All I got was a 2 inch burn on my wrist and a half inch burn on one of my knuckels. See kids this is why I like the microwave. It only attacks you if you put a fork in it.

So I take another nap for 30 minutes on the couch. I got up at 7:30 pm and was getting ready to call Mandi. When she called me. She starts talking and suddenly she is upset.

She seems to have a family like mine. She loaned her dad $10 on Sunday, telling him she needed it back on Tuesday because she had no extra cash. He promised he would pay her back. Tuesday came and went, Wednesday, thursday night she calls him. He hangs up on her 3 times. She leaves a voice message saying she needs that money back, or she cant get back and forth to work next week.

She decides to call him today from work. Her dad is staying with her aunt. So when she calls him that morning, her aunt answers. Starts yelling at her saying things like: You should let your dad stay with you, she should be taking care of him, he is sick from his surgery, and you know he has a brain tumor. (Which no one has ever seen any proof of, and everyone thinks he is faking it) And that all she is in being nice to him for is because when he dies from this brain tumor, she get 250K from his insurance. She started to cry nd hung up the phone.

She never started crying on the phone with me. i think she is still too strong for that yet. She is afraid to depend on anyone. She did say she had no clue where her brother was right now, if he was living on the street or staying with friends, she has no clue. No one has heard from him in a week.

No wonder she turned to drugs the poor girl has an awful bad life somedays. She never really complains to me about it. I get little bits and pieces here and there. And thats one of the reasons I am scared of being in a relationship with her. I dont want to be unhappy down the road and feel trapped cause she might be suicidal. But at the same time, It makes me have stronger feelings for her because she is not perfect, and she has not truly even been happy... ever.

So I drank 4 mikes hard lemonades tonight. LAyed in the bath tub with my neck submerged for 20 minutes and decided to call it a night. Until guess what i could not sleep. So here I am, I have to be up in a few hours to get ready for work. Cant sllep, and just typed out the longest post I have ever written

Sorry about the length, I will try to make everything shorter next time. My mom wants to meet Mandi, and Mandi does seem up for that so maybe this Sunay or next weekend.

Well later guys
BTW this post took me over an hour to write. Sad huh