Monday, August 01, 2005

Something Personal

I went through the nightstand where I keep some of my items. It was her nightstand, inside of it is the Valentine Massager and massage oil I got her for Valentines day. Also in there was the a note I had thrown away but kept later anyway.

She left this note for me two nights after I hada nervous breakdown after coming home from work. This is what started the lies she told her co-workers is what she told me later. I had a breakdown because I felt like I could never make her happy. I was aways going to be stuck in a dead end job making nothing. I cried and had woken her up. I was depressed and I just need to cry. I hate to know that those tears are what caused the ones that dont stop now. The ones that come like ninja assassins to my heart, the ones that hurt and I never see them coming.

The crying was all about me that night, I never wanted her to think anything bad about herself. Two days later, this is the note left for me in the upstairs bathroom. I will share this with you word for word.

We haven't had a chance to talk since Monday night. My feelings are very hurt by what you said. I don't understand why you feel I would be better off and happier if I had never met you. Or why you feel like you don't or can't make me happy. That makes me feel like you consider me difficult or high maintenance. Yes, there are things I would change about you if I could. Just like I'm sure there are things you would change about me. For example I would like for you to stand up forself and us regarding your job. I wouldlike for you to be more thoughtful of me more often (i.e helping around the house, scraping my windows for me... just because) I do alot for our marriage because I love you. I have achieved much succsess in my life and am fortunate both personally and professionally. I do take care of this family finacially. I have not asked you to change that. What we both bring into the marriage is ours, not yours and not mine. Am I happy? That's a loaded question. The thing is, I know what makes you happy and you know things that make me happy. I think that sometimes people get lazy with their marriage and i believe that you have become lazy in our marriage. We've been through this before.
I dont think that you dont know what to do to make me happy, but you lack the drive to do it. That leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless. Because what you said the other night was simply selfish. It wasn't "I know that sometimes i take you for granted and I want to change x, y,z"Rather it was, "you would be better off with out me, you deserve better." (Not I can do better for you or I can be better at showing you how much you mean to me). Instead, it was "you would be better off and happier if I never came into your life." That is very presumptious. And where does that leave us?


So there you have it folks. I told her i love you a thousand times a day, and yet she cant believe that i every did. I bought her gifts, I scrapped her windshield, I brought her flowers, cards, candy, lunch. I called every night from work to ask her how her day was. But none of that mattered, she never heard a single thing i said, except for, "you would be better off without me, and you deserve better." She heard that loud and clear. Becuase the next day after I creid she told her co workers I cheated on her. The lie that i never saw coming. All because i had a depressing day at work.