Wednesday, May 11, 2005

How Power Corrupts

Its hard the first time you know you are not going to be with someone forever. You try to convince yourself your wrong. I knew it because she suddenly realized she did not need me financially. She had gotten promoted. We were excited, but things seemed to change after that.

Anything I did was never good enough. The thing that hurt me the most was, she seemed to be ashamed of me. She would tell me, next year you and I will go to the company Xmas party together, when that time came around, well we don't have the money for a tux. She always had some excuse as to why we could not go out an do events like that.

Another time she made me feel unimportant was at a wedding. Everyone was dancing, it was a slow song. I asked her to dance, she told me no. Then a few people at the table made several comments about how I got "Shot Down" and frankly I was embarrassed. I maintained my compossure the best I could but I could feel the tears welling up in my throat. So I excused myself from the table and walked outside and cried.

The Grooms mother and sister came outside, and they seen me. Which even made it worse. I quickly wiped my eyes and said I was tired. I went in a few minutes later, and sat back down with her.

When we left that night, after we walked outside and were by ourselves, she tried to hold my hand. I jerked it away. This made her very angry, she started almost running to the car, and then would not talk to me the rest of the night.

She was always good at the not talking part. When she was mad she always keeps things bottled up. It is silly because eventually your gonna go off like a soda bottle. And I guess that is where we are now.

I look back now and I do not see the same woman she used to be. She seems hateful, and yet at times she seems to want me back. We talked for like 2 hours last week. I gave her another Get out of Jail free if you just come home card. She says she is doing the right thing for her.

I just hate to ever hear divorce as the right thing. Especially when you love that person more than God loves the planet. I know it is over, its just coming to terms with that. I feel somedays i may never recover from this, and other times I feel just fine. I hate the feeling of not knowing How I will feel about her tomorrow.