My dealing with a divorce, coming to term with it, the stress of it and the search to find love again.
Monday, November 27, 2006
My Blog: Late Night Super-duper Long weekend round up Edition
Hey guys, how is it going. I hope everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving had a wonderful Thanksgiving. If you were like me and did not then I feel your pain brother.
Funny statement of the day: My friend Ben and i were watching Superman returns today. And Ben brought up a great point. "Man how do you compete with Superman, your fucked if Super man wants your women."
I replied, "Hell I could not even compete with Maintence Man, much less Super Man."
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I swear its kind of funny cause I keep making Bank girl fell sorry for me when i am not really even trying to. Saturday we asked each other about the same time if the other had a good thanksgiving. I told her I spent mine alone and I had to work. Which was followed up with an Awwww. Posion (who was the actual teller waiting on me) Said that sucks. And I was joking around and Asked if anyone wanted to adopt me for Christmas. Posion said she would. I like her she is funny. She knows I have such a thing for bank girl.
Bank girl did ask me if I got another car. And told her yes and she seemed excited for me. I guess they maybe got tired of me coming in looking like a wet and lost puppy dog, with sad hollow eyes. Hell I cant blame em. I was tired of looking like I had my soul ripped through my pores too.
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What i have been playing: Well the video game world is abuzz over the last few weeks. I took my 360 over to my friends house Last night. They had bought 50 ft. of cable and let me hook my 360 up to there cable modem. They got to see Xbox live in all its glory. They talked with my friend in Colorado (Agrippa) and another of my friends in England (Dotslack) I did not have my camera with me so i could show them.
Phil has really come around to the 360 this year. He was one of the many who felt cheated as a sony Fan when they announced the $600 ps3 price. So he said he was going to get a 360 soon. And before he said he cared nothing about playing games online, but he even kind of changed his mind on that when he seen me play Gears of War online. And all the other things you could do (Like download TV shows, and even movies) We watched an episode of Robot Chicken.
The game I am playing the most, its sad really... Lumines Live a very addictive puzzle game (also available on the psp) I have been very addicted to this game. I lay in bed at night and think about ways to arrange certain pieces if they fell into certain paterns. Like I said, addicted. Some crack heads seen me the other day and told me I neded to seek help for my problem.
Mom bought me some new Khakis and Work shirts for Christmas. And one of the shirts made me look really good. I look thinner in these cothes, cause they are not as baggy. Hell I am still suprised in my divorce weight loss. Went from 290 to 257. And I was looking at myself I had actually put on some muscle in my arms. Not sure where it came from, but maybe it was always there I just had to much fat covering it. Yeah, your gonna need tickets to this gun show baby...
Man I seem to come down with flu like symptoms today, and it has made me sweaty and exhausted. I layed around most of the day today at my moms while I did laundry.
I got the key to my station wagons hatchback. And as I was digging around in back, trying to get some of the left over hay out of there I found a 512mb jump drive (Which i have been wanting to get one for awhile) I felt like I should take it back to the guy i bought the car from, I mean I know they are not very expensive. But I really do not need the negative karma. What do you guys think, should I take it back to him or keep. Its nice to be able to haul a lot of stuff again too. My station wagon is huge.
My friend Josiah bought a toyota Yaris this week. He had it special ordered and shipped in to the dealership. However some idiot banged it up on route, and he had been driving a loner all week while they fix it up. At least the dealership noticed it and was up front with him. Because he said himself he may not have even noticed it himself had they not pointed it out to him.
Anyway, I am still deciding if my broke ass is going to go out with them tomorrow night to do the Tuesday night thing. I want to kind of but at the same time being broke and going to a bar kind of sucks. But Jarrod seems to want me to go so maybe i should.
Well speaking of things I should do. I should get off here and go to bed, before I hear the call of Lumines rope me back in, or the thrill of playing the burger king games LOL.
I really hate the holidays. To me there really is no point to the Holidays. I know I am the outcaste here. But most of you have someone to spend the Holidays with, and to me they are a constant reminder that I failed to live up to my big dream.
Some people are born to be Doctors, and Lawyers, and Construction workers. Me, I was born to be one thing. I was born to be a father. And so a few years ago when I was married and one step closer to my dreams the Holidays were always anxious times for me. We would hear the Parental Units asking us when we were going to have kids. And then we would try and try... nothing.
So when I got divorced, I relized that I was one step further from life dreams. Then found out the reason why we could not have kids was more than likely me. So it crushed me.
So everytime this time of years roll around I get more depressed than normal. And my life failures become more apparant. You know I had this picture in my head of gathering around the table and eating dinner with our families and kids and it just hurts to realize this time of year I have none of that.
I eat with the only family I have. My mom and my friends. And as good as it is, and not to hurt anyones feelings. It just feels empty. There's love, but a different kind of love to me. I dont know why the holidays are hard, because all they are is another day of regrets. Same as the day before, and probably the same as the day after.
Oh well I guess I will be okay, depression is like a rollar coaster ride anyway. You have your ups and your down. But just thinking about thanksgiving this year really has me down in the dumps.
But I hope everyone of my readers have a Happy Thanksgiving and cling tight to those you love.
Okay, this is all going a little far. How many of you know someone who just bought A ps3... To fucking sell on Ebay.
Myself, at this moment i could care less about getting a Piece of Shit 3. The problem is that the people that do want one are going to have to buy them on Ebay. Where the price is going for 1800 or more. This rant about the morons who pay that. I think people who pay that much for one are Bat shit crazy.
Every Console launch you see these piece of shit people buy a video game system so they can triple the price on Ebay. I think Ebay needs to put a stop to this. Its mnot fair to those people who can not wait in line over night because they have jobs or whatever.
I went to Best Buy today, and there were people still camped out for the Wii, with tents and all. I actually think that would be kind of fun. Just to say you did it. But I hope there tent burns down as they sleep if the plan on selling them on ebay for $1000
I understand it is enterprise and all that horseshit, but is it really worth it to ruin someones Christmas cause you can make a little cash.
She turned to look at me today, and her face brightened with a smile when she seen me. A smile that spoke to me, "Why have you not asked me out yet." Instead she told me I was late. And that smile made the cold rainy day disappear, and a little of that sunshine I sucked in cleared alot of my Congestion and Cough
I am not able to sleep tonight. I finally have gotten sick. I really need to look into the effects of depression on health. Becuase I was sick so much last year at this time, that there has to be a link. Since I am nowhere near as depressed as I was last year.
I believe I went to bed with a fever, I can just tell when I have a fever. I took one of my last few loratabs and lay down. I think it help knock it out. I fell better, and my throat and nose feel alot better.
Yet I have to get up in like 5 hours. But to get up I have to go to sleep and I just can't do it. My brain is firing all kinds of weird images in my head. And the weirdiest is a billboard I have noticed lately.
Its for French Lick Resort. Its were my ex and I had spent our Honeymoon. It is a simple billboard. Its right at the bottom of the Loyd Expressway, and First avenue. I passed it a lot of times before the ole car went kaput. its Black with White letering. In the Left corner there is one of those "Do Not Disturb" door knob signs. And the billboard says, "Reliving History, One stay at a time."
And when i think about that sign. It makes me a little happy and sad all at the same time. It makes me feel like that part of my life was just yesterday, or a million years ago. It reminds me of how happy I was when I was there and how far i am from that right now.
If I could have one time in my past to go to. It would be that weekend. It would be that place. Why would I not go there. I had just married my "best friend". We were miles away from home, and we had a good chunk of change in our pockets to enjoy ourself.
I can remember making love in that bed. I can remember the smell of the roses that filled up the room. I can still remember spending part of the night lying together, while i picked the bobby pins out of her hair. Getting up to go downstairs in the middle of the night to get a soda, and being scared to death of the errie statue for Pluto Water.
I remember starring out our window, and seing the bird's nest cradle in a nook n the wall. And the late night swim in the indoor pool. And the later night in the outside jacuzzi, in the cold January air.
Hell it was the only time in my life I did not complain about spending money. We bought a $99 cheese and meat tray. And i believe a $45 bottle of champaign. You only get one first honeymoon. And i wanted it to be special. And too me it was. This place had everything. Even its own bowling alley.
We discussed getting a dog when we got home. Which would be Buster. It was the only thing she really wanted when we got back from the honeymoon. I dont remember getting anything special, but I was happy enough.
I remember I took off four days of work. And we decided on the last night there to stay another night. It was worth it. It just seemed to be a great weekend. I think it was the first time I ever let myself not worry.
We even changed the voice mail from our hotel rooms. It was kind of silly, we had lived together for almost 2 years before that, but her parents never knew.
It does not hurt as much anymore. There is a little twinge at the ends of my heart strings that it pulls on. But then again what doesn't hurt about the life you leave behind. I have wrote over 280 post about my divorce. And its taking me this long to not cry about it some times.
It just feels like there will never be another time that I will be as happy as i was then. But I hope to never be depressed as I was last year.
I spent all that time writing about this, and I am still nowhere near as tired as i need to be to get some sleep. And this is really starting to bug me.
Anyway, funny quote of the weekend. One of the guys in our group has brought his girlfriend around. And last week she made a comment that took everyone by suprise. I did not hear it, but they were just shocked at how insensitive it came out.
"I can't believe Rob was ever married."
She swears she did not mean it the way it came out. But everyone was just shocked the way she said it. I think it offended them more than it did me. But it did get me thinking... What the hell was she trying to say. I have gone over it in my head, and for the life of me I can not see the positive spin she means on it. Maybe some of you gals (the whole 4 of you) that read my blog can put it into light what she might have meant. If not I think I am going to have to come up with an image redesign if i am getting that jive from all women.
Arghhh Why can I not got to sleep. I just lay there and toss in turn. I must have gotten too much sleep last night.
We had our "thanksgiving Dinner" last night. For all my friends and I. Josiah even went to Henderson to get my mom on Saturday. And jeff took her home last night. So i was probably in a turkey induced coma. Sorry I did not have a camera to take some pics.
I had to laugh at mom today. She told me that if Jeff was not "the way he is" and she was a lot younger. She would be all over him. Wow... thats funny. Maybe I should start calling Jeff dad after this one LOL.
This is a big week in video gaming, well i guess for some people it is. The PS3 launches Friday. And then this Sunday the Nintendo Wii launches. I guess I just really don't care.I mean I just can not see paying $600 or even $500 for a PS3. I mean nothing out there on it looks better than anything on my 360. Maybe its that or maybe its sour grapes because I know I can't afford one.
And the Nintendo wii look like a gimmick to me. The graphics are about equal to the orginal Xbox, a five year old system. Sure its got that controler. But honeslty how long can you swing a controller around before you get tired. Just cause your inivative, does not make you necessarily fun. I look for the wii to be the next big mistake from nintendo. Mark my words.. I see it as the next virtual boy with in a year.
PS3 I am not sure. I think they might come in second place this time around. They need a price drop. My opinion is to make it succsesful it needs to be in the $400 range. How many hardcore gamers really care that it has a Blu-Ray disc drive. That is the reason it is so expensive.
They are banking on the Blu-ray making it sucsessful. The thing is, people are not really ready for another dvd upgrade. People like me could care less if it plays in High Def.. I have a little 20 inch tv. I am not probably going to ever have a hd-tv. Well okay maybe some time next year I could get a cheap one. But as of right now. Its out of the question. I want a game machine, and that is why I got a 360.
Well okay I am going to escape this madness. Maybe try once more to visit sandmanland.
Man oh man. Still no car. And the idea to get a car fell through. So We had to go back to our orginal plan to get me a car. Which means, I am nt going to be able to get as nice of a car, but hopefully I will be able to be on the road again as soon as possible.
Just nothing really has presented itself in my price range. I really hate my life some times. I just need one thing to go my way, and yet, it never seems to. I know they tell us that God never gives us more than we can handle. I am not exactly sure what he expects of me... hell after the last few weeks, I wonder if he even exists.
Lets just say, i am really having a crisis of Faith at the moment. I have said it on more than one occasion, I am not Job. I have a breaking point. You can not keep eroding my comfort level away from me and expect me to be okay. I try to do good, so why is it I seem to be the one to get punished.
Mom called me today freaking out. Her cable is not working. Usually I get blammed for this because I hook up the 360 over there and forget to plug something back up. Since I have not been over there in weeks now, it can not be me. I told her since the cable all over the house is out to call the cable company. They are sending someone out to take a look at it.
I also had to try to walk her through how to turn up the volume on the computer so she could catch up on Jericho. I think I would have had an easier time trying to help Helen Keller try to climb mount everest.
Final fantasy 12, man I love it. But at the same time it is very difficult as you progress. In a way that turns me off a little bit to it. I keep leveling up, and the monster still seem just as hard. So I kind of play it in spurts. And I am sure I will be laying off it for awhile for one game
Three Words:
GEARS OF WAR
Oh man this game is going to be so awesome. How else can you describe it. This is oe game that is going to scream Next gen game. The graphics ar gorgeous, everyone who has played it is raved about it. One question remains. Is Gears of War the Next Halo, or is Halo 3 the next gears of War.
I just got a call from work, asking a question. It seems my boss is at the hosptal right now. His mom is in the emergency room right now, and I dont know what is going on, I worry for him.
I can tell you I have walked home a few nights from the mall. Its a good walk, about a mile and half if I get the bus to drop me off as close as possible. The first night was agony. Now, I have gotten used to it. I can do it without a problem. My legs even forgive me. Now if we could do something about these evil rain fairies. It is raining again today. Dammit, I hate the rain.
Anyway, i need to get off here. Hope everyoe is having better luck than me.
I hope everyone survived Halloween ok. I had an interesting halloween to say the least. I had to take the bus to the mall because the bus that runs by my apartment stops running at 6:15. So I have to walk home the 1.76 miles. Well I could have some one pick me up but I figure it is good for me to get the walk in.
I picked up my copy of Final Fantasy 12 while I was at the mall. The mall was packed with kids, they were giving away candy to the little kids. But I did not sit around and stare, i wanted to get home.
I called my mom, and chatted with her on the way home. It was something to keep my mind occupied as I walked. About a block from my apartment, I passed a guy yelling at me. He was motioning me to come over. I turned and looked at him, he motioned for me too come over. He asked if I wanted to hang out.
I told him nope. I just want to go home. He came up to me and I told him again I was going home. He tried to grab my arm, and at this time I was rather annoyed. I backed off and said i was going home.
He asked where home was, I told him down the road. He said he did not know where he was going and wanted to know if he could hang out with me. I told him no, I was going home. And he then started following.
Okay i started to get real nervous. I am not sure if he was mentally handicapped, he did not have that look to him. He may have been high, but he was the most persitant person I have ever met. I crossed to my side of the street. and a few cars went by me. He was on the other side of the street, and I heard him start to swear. Then he came up behind me one more time. And he put his hand on my backpack.
"Get the fuck away from me, I dont know you, and I dont want to hang out, i just want to go home." I was annoyed, and a little taken aback at how strange this guy was acting.
He held out his hand and said, "My name is Jeff."
I told him i did not care, and to go away. My mom was freaking out at this time because she was hearing me tell this guy continuiosly to go away. Another guy walked past us and he started pestering him, and I just hurried on before he could follow me into my apartment complex. I looked back to make sure the other guy was ok, and he had moved on past crazy jeff.
After all that I am happy to report that the game was worth it. I played it quite a bit last night. This morning I started to worry. I should have called the ex and let her know this crazy guy was on her property. I am not sure he was living there, or what but it was just creepy.
But i did not call her. I am sure some one else reported Jeff, because he was one crazy mo-Fo.
Welcome to Hendy's world. A world full of danger. Boredom, Puppies, Video Games, and Heart. You cant forget the heart. Oh and did I mention videogames.
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